The Final Farewell

While he helped them say their final goodbyes, deep down he was not prepared for this unwanted farewell. His life has revolved around her and he became frantic imagining the world being so colorless and soulless without her presence by his side. Her eyes had shone brighter than the million stars lightening the gloomy sky.The searing pain seeped through his soul when he realized that her eyes would not be able to brighten his dark days ever again. Her warm summery smile had made his heart melt and his blood ran cold thinking that his heart would freeze without her heart-warming smiles. She had been there for him at each step of the way. She had not only taught him to tame the flight of his dreams but also the world of their reality. They had been deliriously happy together and it was unbelievable that she would decide to embark on a new journey without him.

He held her hand in his hand, kissing the fingertips but not for one second had he stopped praying for a miracle. He was crying his eyes out. He was not ashamed of his tears today because he was desperately waiting for their magic to seal the moment so they could stay together for eternity. Since the past forty-five minutes, he had sought various means to communicate with her: through his tears, the melody of his voice, the tranquility in his silence and the fire in his touch. His fingers had been interlaced with hers for the longest time and he hadn’t stopped mumbling in her ear but nothing seemed to be working. It killed him a thousand deaths for every second which brought them closer to the explosion of the ticking clock. It crushed his heart to see a part of him being taken away from him so ruthlessly but he couldn’t do much about it so he begged for mercy. He felt utterly powerless against the bullet of time. He was trying his best to stop her from abandoning his world and he wouldn’t give up until the very end.

She would never wake up again and machines wouldn’t be breathing for her anymore. However, they battled the last minute of their union with courage and strength that set an example for the soldiers in the war-zone.

He had lost more than a wife today — he had lost his soul.

That touch to make it all worthwhile ❤

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Diary of Nobody -XII-

Once upon a time, you were mad at me for faking a smile:
“If you can’t smile back genuinely at her (a stranger in the grocery store) then there is no need to smile back. Faking is not your thing.”

Today as I pierce my way through the crowd, there are many heads turning around smiling at me. I wonder why they would smile at a girl who is lost in her own world with earphones plucked in her ears. Anyway, they smile and sometimes I look away and the other times I smile back but I wonder if they can differentiate between a fake and a real smile. I am not sure what a fake smile is as I don’t intend to fake smiles around people – all I know is that I am socially awkward.

If you could see me today then you would see a smile that represents neither joy nor pain but it is merely an essential that I have to wear every now and then. This might come as a surprise to you but it has been a while since my heart has beamed with sheer delight.

I seem to have lost not only my smile but also my happiness. Eventually, I will find my way back home.

And sometimes just sometimes, I smile with my eyes

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A Love Trap

The rotten scent of your broken promises,
Lingered on my skin,
Smothered my soul,
Brutally marked me inch by inch,
With the thousand lies,
That stemmed from one another,
Truth was a pungent poison,
Love was a panel of misty dreams,
You had lit an inextinguishable fire within me,
To drown out the voice of my mind,
You fearlessly knocked at the door of my heart,
Failed to realize that love was a perilous art,
You laid out an ingenious plan,
Every move brought you only closer,
To reach the shore — the beginning of our dead-end,
A moment you had waited an eternity for,
Oblivious to the love that could have been your abode,
You cherished the lust cradling your soul,
Only to destroy one thing I loved the most,
Ever since my heart had found its way to you,
It ached me to love you more than myself,
But don’t you dare question it my ruthless lover,
Love within me can burn for a lifetime,
I can learn to build the world of my dreams again,
Pain can leave me scars over the years,
The suffering and sacrifices can never go in vain,
These scars are the badges I wear,
So proudly for conquering my fears,
As a proof that I have survived,
That I am breathing and healing,
Most of all that I have made it out alive,
I might never learn to love myself like before,
‘Cause I chose to love a man made only for war.

Diary of Nobody -XI-

Just because there wasn’t a forever with you – I feel there can never be one.

While our song plays on the radio tonight, I slip in and out of reality making emptiness and nothingness my peers along the way. I am numb to the emotions of life for now. Lately, I have been thinking about you a lot more than usual and it’s intriguing and confusing at the same time. Why can’t you just leave me alone?

I went for a stroll this morning. There were barely any cars out on the road at that hour and the sun was beginning to rise. I liked the city better at this time when it was quiet and peaceful. I inhaled the beauty of the serenity surrounding me and it was in a long while that I didn’t need music to accompany me. Usually, I disconnect myself to drown out the voice of the world with a pair of headphones and my music playlist but today I was trying my best to connect with the same world. I was cherishing the birds singing their songs in the distance. I hummed along with them but the morning was not the same after you had crossed my mind. Suddenly, I was taken back in time (just like that). I wanted to tuck my hand in the pocket of your coat so our fingers could be entwined while we walked.

I was wandering in the valley of our memories, far from reality. She held my hand and brought me back to face the real world. I looked down at this little four-year-old girl pulling down on my sweater’s sleeve. Your name escaped my lips and you were not a secret anymore. I didn’t realize that I had been crying until she pointed it out and demanded a reason for my tears. I panicked and ignored her question and became anxious if she had been out at this hour all by herself.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard her call out ‘Daddy, Look I am here’ to a man standing not more than ten steps away with his back facing us looking around for her.

I smiled at her and assured her I was fine. She couldn’t help being the usual quick-witted kid and bombarded me with detective questions like what had I been doing there; if I had been out with my father as well; why would I cry in the middle of the street; if I was scared when she held my hand and who is ‘your name’. I was astonished when she mentioned you not because she heard your name and remembered it but because she considered you an important question-mark-to-be-answered to reveal my mysterious story.

I knelt down so that I was face to face with her. I held both her hands in my hands and told her that I didn’t have answers to her questions but I had something that she would like. I fished through the pockets of my sweater to find this toy I have had from few days ago when I went to McDonald’s. The happiness spread across her face and I witnessed a sunrise right then and there. Her father called out her name again and she responded back with ‘I am coming’.

Before I realized, she hugged me tightly. I knew this was a goodbye hug. Overtime, I have become an expert in knowing how these hugs feel.

“I really like you. Will you like to be my friend? I don’t have many friends”, she whispered in my ear while hugging me.

Before I could respond, she continued: “I can be better than ‘your name’ and then you wouldn’t miss him.”

The tears rolled down my cheeks again and I whispered back that I would love to be her friend. She kissed me on my cheek and ran in the direction of her father.

The man politely smiled at me while she climbed on the shoulders of her father and waved me goodbye with a smile that will stay with me for the rest of my years.

I made my way back to the apartment while I mourned over this short-lived friendship. For the first time since I have known you, I realized I had confided in somebody other than you.

Humanity Disaster

I am a human and I am prone to making mistakes. I quarrel with my partner just before I go to bed. I fail to realize that I might never wake up to apologize. I take my mother for granted and I can never do justice to the love, care and respect she deserves yet I never try. I fail to recognize the sheer magic of her presence in my life. I gossip and spread rumours for merely self-pleasure. I fail to understand the irrevocable damage caused. I am too much of an egotistic to apologize even if I am at fault. I fail to see that contentment sprouts out of generosity. I am not careful with my tongue and words. I fail to appreciate their ability to influence the minds and hearts. I judge when I don’t have the right to. I fail to comprehend that I don’t have to be like the rest. I blame the system when the change demands my actions. I fail to acknowledge the power within me.

I am a human and I am prone to regret. I usually realize the value of the blessings in my life after I have lost them. Why do I have to believe in the theories proposed by the society when I have the power to think and differentiate between the right and wrong? Why am I accused of being ‘crazy’ when I think out of the box? Why is it that when I die, the same craziness becomes literature and philosophy? It startles me how a person doesn’t have the courage to resolve unsettled issues in their lifetime but he considers it important to be a part of the funeral of a friend who he hasn’t spoken to in the past two decades. It frightens me how we enjoy the ideology of freedom of speech when it concerns our motives and opposes the same ideology when our beliefs are threatened. We distinguish ourselves from others on the basis of religion, culture, invisible geographical boundaries, wealth, ethnicity, social status, political ideology and etc. However, why do we never emphasize more on what brings us together than what divides us? It scares me how we have been too absorbed with classifying ourselves to fit in different categories to distinguish ourselves from one another that we are utterly oblivious to the fact that we are all the same – aren’t we all humans after all?

I am a human and humanity is my responsibility but I am too busy being a human who is prone to hypocrisy.

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Diary of Nobody -X-

If I had a time machine, would I travel back in time to relive my glorious days with you?
Yes, I would and then I would hit that ‘pause’ button so neither time nor the circumstances could take you away from me.

There was a time when my day didn’t begin unless I heard your voice. Your voice would bring millions of fluttering butterflies alive within me even when you were thousands of miles away. I needed your messages in every few hours to get me through the day. I didn’t need caffeine anymore; you had to fix me a dose – a love dose. I craved your company day and night. I wanted to watch our favorite movies and TV series together sharing a tub of popcorn, a can of coke and our warm bed. I needed you to melt me in your arms and steal me away from this world. I longed for your presence but the distance stood as a fatal barrier between us. I didn’t realize the precise moment when my sense of this world became entirely restricted to just one person – you.

You were a man of your own kind. I survived every challenge that came my way: from being unwanted sometimes to being unloved the other times; from being repeatedly taken for granted to being able to cope up with you cold attitude and mood swings every now and then. One second you were a warm lover and the other second a ferocious beast. I ensured myself that I would muddle through anything for us because you were my final destination. I didn’t see anything beyond you not because I couldn’t but because I didn’t want to. I was left shaken and traumatized after every one of your raging thunderstorms but I believed that my patience would pave rather a fine and lasting ground for us only for you to prove me wrong. I didn’t realize the precise moment when I had mistaken my flaws for my strength.

You have me wondering if I was just a fool in love. You have me wondering if there really was any fire of passion burning wildly in the depth of your eyes that enticed me. You have me wondering if our love was merely a delusion to justify the necessity to be with each other for a destined while. You have me wondering if you were me, would you love yourself the same way I do or cage your emotions and give up. You have me wondering if losing you is freedom or an imprisonment to my own existence. I didn’t realize the precise moment when these nerve-racking uncertainties overtook the empire of my reality.

Desire

Forever and now, the lips are sealed,
Words uttered are merely a pass in the air,
Forever and now, the hearts bleed,
Actions done are merely another sacrifice to bear,
Now or never, you decide,
Flip or turn, we have tried,
False hopes but the truth’s divide,
In the quest for a cure but my hollow insides,
I feel wanderlust, consumed and denied,
These open wounds couldn’t heal unless love is by my side,
The emptiness fills my soul with pleasure every once in a while,
The solitude strangles my demons striving to attain ecstasy,
I paint this world with a single stroke of a shy smile,
Distance can keep us apart but my love travels every day mile for mile,
Seldom the darkness crawls in blurring our vision,
Wounding us with the sword of our decisions,
Our fears are the rivals in this love-battle,
Let’s break away from the worldly shackles,
While all these years your love has only lifted me higher,
You have me wondering if you are the only dream I truly desire.

Diary of Nobody -IX-

I lay in our bed wide awake thinking to myself that this cold night could have been warm if you were by my side with your arm around me. But then I have to get a napkin to spit because it’s not a decent thought especially when you belong to somebody else now. I calm my mind only to begin sobbing later. There are silent tears in the beginning followed by shouting, cursing and crying out loudly within a matter of few seconds. This is a therapy that always seems to work – the louder I cry the better I feel.

I surround myself with the dark of the night and our memories fall into place. I see you carrying me on your shoulders; I see myself feeding you while we watch Netflix; I see you fixing our washbasin taps in the kitchen so I don’t have to deal with washing dishes in the cold water; I see myself dressing you for work. I hear your laughter and it echoes in my head. I cover my ears with both my hands but your laughter doesn’t leave me alone. I smell you in the sheets and in my thoughts. Your scent is invading my sanity. There is a sudden urge for your touch. In my thoughts you can and have only belonged to me. My heart is racing and I need you to hold my hand so you can pull me out of this mess.

I switch on the lights but hesitate to open my eyes. I don’t like the feeling of light accompanying me in this journey tonight but this is the only way to put my thoughts on hold for now. I remind myself of the reality and it makes me furious. I cannot possibly love you after being left behind all by myself because you wanted to make things right by another woman. I am tempted to embrace the dark again but in order to keep my sanity intact; I have to avoid its company tonight.

I pull my coat out of the closet and leave the room. I make my way out of the building and stand at one corner half lost fiddling with a lighter and a cigarette in my hands. I play games in my head second-guessing if I should smoke or not. Reluctantly, I light a cigarette and inhale deeply to fill my lungs with smoke. After few puffs, I waste the cigarette and feel guilty for letting another bad habit conquer my night. So it was you in the dark and now a cigarette in the light. Although comparatively, cigarettes are not as bad for my lungs as you are for my heart.

I am just another hypocrite feeling guilty for smoking but have never felt guilty for loving you knowing that my heart should have stopped beating for you a long while back.

Book of Life

You are a book,
An untitled story,
The beginnings and endings,
They write it for themselves,
They make their way,
Piercing into your lives,
Exploiting the truth,
Faking the lies,
Broken trust and false promises,
Unexpected expectations and rustling good-byes,
Chapter after chapter,
New characters,
Hesitantly envisioning,
The possibilities to realize your dreams,
Learning from the past,
Making present an inspiration,
To seek a brighter tomorrow,
And the book continues,
Good and bad times,
Protagonists and antagonists,
Friends and foes,
Love and light,
Arguments and fights,
Brand new beginnings,
Abrupt endings,
Day after day,
Chapter after chapter,
Light after dark,
Misery after bliss,
The vicious cycle continues,
The combination of peace and conflict,
Accumulated loads of ambiguity,
But what are you living for?
What is the purpose of this ongoing war?
Why do you yearn for more and more?
The answers to your questions,
They demand years and wisdom,
For you can resolve this mystery,
With a journey of self-discovery.

Diary of Nobody -VIII-

‘Let Go’ – I have no idea how many times have I heard these two words since you have left. What astounds me is that you are among those peeps who are babbling about ‘letting-go’ and its apparent advantages. I get all kind of advice about how letting-go is the best thing to do in my situation (Pardon me but when did I tell you about my situation – guilty of gossiping?) or the very cliched motivational clauses like ‘You are a strong girl; you will turn over a new leaf in no time and will do much better’. Oh please, I don’t need to hear all that because I am well aware of the sympathy drill so save your pity for somebody else because I know how strong I am and that is why I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I apologize if this sounds offensive but people seem to do it a lot for the sake of I-don’t-know-what and I absolutely hate it (the wonderful genuine gems can ignore it).

Letting-Go for me means a delete button and I don’t seem to have one. Oh wait, only machines have the privilege to have that button function for them but I’m a human which means that I will have to live with you in my system for the rest of my life.

Can I completely forget you as if you never existed? No, I can’t (unless I have dementia, amnesia or some other memory-loss issue).

So with no delete button, I am looking forward to a situation something like this: every time I will hear your name, I will wince; every time I will go to places we have been to, I will resist nostalgia; every time I am around something that is related to you or reminds me of you (which is apparently everything), it will be an open invitation to depression. Thus, even after ten years, you will serve me merely with delicious pain-cakes and mouth-watering sorrow-berry muffins.

So what exactly do you want me to let go?

Letting-Go for me means destroying the world I created with lots of love, warmth, affection, memories, sacrifices and just the tinge of the magnificent blend of perfection and comfort in the mere hope of a Forever. This world is my home and you want me to let go of my home. My life revolves around my home but you want me to let go so I can be homeless and lifeless.  You want me to let go of my perfection so that I don’t dare to imagine another again. You want me to let go of the luxury of being myself so I can no longer savor our flawless memories. You want me to let go of my happiness for the sake of a better tomorrow which neither of us has seen. You want me to let go of my love because you are apparently in love with another woman who supposedly can paint you a better world than the one you are a part of at the moment. However, do you ever feel the need to ask yourself if I want it that way too or is it that your selfishness will precede my selflessness yet again?

Feel me but don’t say a word,
Love me but don’t leave my mind blurred,
Between the lines of needs and wants,
Not for a second have my heart not desired you,
Ever since you vowed to me your love.