I lay in our bed wide awake thinking to myself that this cold night could have been warm if you were by my side with your arm around me. But then I have to get a napkin to spit because it’s not a decent thought especially when you belong to somebody else now. I calm my mind only to begin sobbing later. There are silent tears in the beginning followed by shouting, cursing and crying out loudly within a matter of few seconds. This is a therapy that always seems to work – the louder I cry the better I feel.
I surround myself with the dark of the night and our memories fall into place. I see you carrying me on your shoulders; I see myself feeding you while we watch Netflix; I see you fixing our washbasin taps in the kitchen so I don’t have to deal with washing dishes in the cold water; I see myself dressing you for work. I hear your laughter and it echoes in my head. I cover my ears with both my hands but your laughter doesn’t leave me alone. I smell you in the sheets and in my thoughts. Your scent is invading my sanity. There is a sudden urge for your touch. In my thoughts you can and have only belonged to me. My heart is racing and I need you to hold my hand so you can pull me out of this mess.
I switch on the lights but hesitate to open my eyes. I don’t like the feeling of light accompanying me in this journey tonight but this is the only way to put my thoughts on hold for now. I remind myself of the reality and it makes me furious. I cannot possibly love you after being left behind all by myself because you wanted to make things right by another woman. I am tempted to embrace the dark again but in order to keep my sanity intact; I have to avoid its company tonight.
I pull my coat out of the closet and leave the room. I make my way out of the building and stand at one corner half lost fiddling with a lighter and a cigarette in my hands. I play games in my head second-guessing if I should smoke or not. Reluctantly, I light a cigarette and inhale deeply to fill my lungs with smoke. After few puffs, I waste the cigarette and feel guilty for letting another bad habit conquer my night. So it was you in the dark and now a cigarette in the light. Although comparatively, cigarettes are not as bad for my lungs as you are for my heart.
I am just another hypocrite feeling guilty for smoking but have never felt guilty for loving you knowing that my heart should have stopped beating for you a long while back.