I lay in our bed wide awake thinking to myself that this cold night could have been warm if you were by my side with your arm around me. But then I have to get a napkin to spit because it’s not a decent thought especially when you belong to somebody else now. I calm my mind only to begin sobbing later. There are silent tears in the beginning followed by shouting, cursing and crying out loudly within a matter of few seconds. This is a therapy that always seems to work – the louder I cry the better I feel.
I surround myself with the dark of the night and our memories fall into place. I see you carrying me on your shoulders; I see myself feeding you while we watch Netflix; I see you fixing our washbasin taps in the kitchen so I don’t have to deal with washing dishes in the cold water; I see myself dressing you for work. I hear your laughter and it echoes in my head. I cover my ears with both my hands but your laughter doesn’t leave me alone. I smell you in the sheets and in my thoughts. Your scent is invading my sanity. There is a sudden urge for your touch. In my thoughts you can and have only belonged to me. My heart is racing and I need you to hold my hand so you can pull me out of this mess.
I switch on the lights but hesitate to open my eyes. I don’t like the feeling of light accompanying me in this journey tonight but this is the only way to put my thoughts on hold for now. I remind myself of the reality and it makes me furious. I cannot possibly love you after being left behind all by myself because you wanted to make things right by another woman. I am tempted to embrace the dark again but in order to keep my sanity intact; I have to avoid its company tonight.
I pull my coat out of the closet and leave the room. I make my way out of the building and stand at one corner half lost fiddling with a lighter and a cigarette in my hands. I play games in my head second-guessing if I should smoke or not. Reluctantly, I light a cigarette and inhale deeply to fill my lungs with smoke. After few puffs, I waste the cigarette and feel guilty for letting another bad habit conquer my night. So it was you in the dark and now a cigarette in the light. Although comparatively, cigarettes are not as bad for my lungs as you are for my heart.
I am just another hypocrite feeling guilty for smoking but have never felt guilty for loving you knowing that my heart should have stopped beating for you a long while back.
“So it was you in the dark and now a cigarette in the light. Although comparatively, cigarettes are not as bad for my lungs as you are for my heart.”
Damn! It’s beautiful Naima 💙
Thank you Ritika.
This is so beautiful! The last para, oh my God! ❤
Thank you Kritika :))
Wishing you a great day.
Sometimes amist wanting to forget someone we wish to remember them the most…..loved it
Indeed — the wish to not forget what should have been forgotten long time ago is deadly.
Thank you for reading.
So true….our mind works in mysterious ways…and love just complicates it further…loads of love..nidhi❤️
Ah!! Feel like you speak for me… Feel like you spill my heart… Feel like, feeling your pain in me… This one is so damn beautiful, Naima!! Just loved it!! ❤ ❤ ❤
I am so happy that you can relate to this. Thank you for your over-whelming comment.
Pleasure is all mine dear!! Love to you ❤ 🙂
I need a smoke myself lol
Hah, well what a pity that pain just doesn’t stray away with a smoke.
I’d die anyway, I have breathing issues xD
Oh then you better stay away from those cigarettes, girl! :))
I was really pulled into this piece, Naima. Emotive work!
Thank you Yusra for your kind words.
[ Smiles ] Hmm. This is, a very nice intriguing piece, my friend!
Thank you Renard.
Life is never what we want, it’s always the other way round, we don’t know what life has for us the next. One moment, everything seems to be all perfect the best we could ever have and the next moment, its all gone and we are left with the memories only.
Lots of love..! ♡
The unpredictability scale is quite high with life — you never know what could happen.
Lots of love,
There is just something beautiful about cigarettes, the smoke or just the image of watching your worries turn into light smoke and disappear, soul less and aimless 🙂
New fan! 😀
Thank you for taking the time and interest to read so many of my posts. I am heading to your blog now to see what’s in store for me at your end.
Cigarettes indeed are a work of art — there is something fascinating about them especially when I think about them as a writer.
Your blog is addictive! Like a kid in a candy store, i couldn’t just stop at one post, had to read a few 😀
You made my day with that comment!! ❤
Love is cruel. But should not mind taking the plunge into the sea of never coming back.
That’s what I intend on doing but the question is for how long? :))
Maybe something it’s all about letting loose even when we ‘don’t want’ to..
It depends. If it is the ‘right thing’, it’s worth the wait. Some people have ups and downs, some downs and downs. Time is the best solution.
Time is the best and the most cruel solution.
Yes. It heals many hearts though.
This was so heart-touching and beautiful, Naima. There are times when we feel that there’s now way out. But I am sure that a person who expresses so well, won’t take long to find a way. The lines and phrases you used throughout the post moved me and touched me to the core. And cigarettes, ah, not many people know this but I started writing after smoking for the first time. Does it boost writing skills? 😀
Hah, ‘started writing after smoking’ — no wonder smoking is a bad habit yet loved by many. It has to have something other than rotting away your lungs and heart (may be it works as a talent hunt lol)
Thank you for your comment.
Awards awaiting you at https://inkingthethinking.wordpress.com/2015/04/15/awards/ !
Much love! ❤
It just made me what to read it again and again ! your posts are pure magic ! besttt ❤ take care and inshaaAllah everything will turn out to be good naima! Have a bit faith in yourself 🙂 and you have got some amazing friends here! See I am always there 🙂
Aww Izza — you’re such a sweetheart. Thank you for being such an amazing person. I am so glad I came across you and now you are a part of my WordPress family.
Sam here! I am glad I found you 🙂
definitely a dark one and nicely done.I can certainly feel it.