Diary of Nobody -III-

I am trying to sleep. Insomnia is not exactly good for my eyes; the eyes you liked so much. You remember when the other day we were by the Subway and the lady who was preparing our sandwiches told you that you were very lucky to wake up next to somebody like me every day whose smile could enlighten anyone’s day. She kept going on about how beautiful our couple was and bestowed us with her blessings. I liked that lady. You usually used to pretend to be upset with me for taking all the compliments. You were quite an actor; even better with your sense of humor. Anyway, we actually were quite a good-looking couple. We would have made the world jealous.

At this time of the night, I am hooked up on our very first and last public-display-affection (we both liked to keep our business private otherwise). You had your flight next day and we were shopping for your family. It was snowing and it was dead cold. Usually in the romantic-comedies, that would have been the perfect timing for the spicy romance. However, in reality the couples are just trying to keep each other warm; nobody have the guts to think about romance when their brains are freezing. We were waiting on the cab in the city-center. You held my left hand tightly and put it in the pocket of your coat (Warning: It was what you used to do when you would hear my teeth chattering from the extreme cold. I never misunderstood this gesture for romance because I knew it was just your way of keeping my fingers from going numb). Well, the cab didn’t show up for quite a while and you rang the cab service again to hear the very same response that the car was on the way.

I don’t know what got into you after you hung up the phone. You held me in your arms and kissed me on my lips for quite a few seconds. The shocker is that I kissed you back. You sealed the kiss with a very silent ‘I love you’. For that one moment, I didn’t realize that there was anybody around us. I thought we were in our home and you kissed me. I mean, for those few seconds, I forgot I was standing in the middle of the city-center and there might be people watching us. When after a minute or so, I realized that we had finally kissed in public, I was absolutely blown away. To tease me further, you kissed me all over again. Thankfully, our taxi was there after a couple of minutes or I don’t know what other things would have happened for the first time in your first snowfall with me.

Can you lull me to sleep?
Will you sing me a lullaby?
I need your arms to be my pillow,
Tonight for a change, let me not weep.

Diary of Nobody -II-

Today I woke up with a pain in my chest, mainly on the left side. You must have been missing me. Does she not take care of you like how I used to? Does she not put your clothes out on the bed while you are in the shower so you don’t have to fish through the cupboard? Does she not prepare breakfast for you before you have to leave for work? Does she even know that you love to eat vegetable-cheese omelette in the breakfast? Does she know that you are allergic to any kind of household work? Does she love you the way I do?

You remember when the first time we moved in together, you told me to never toast bread in the toaster for you. You always liked to make toasts on the pan. I would grease the pan with butter and then spread butter on both sides of the bread and make a golden brown toast for you. You would get annoyed if the corners of the toast were burnt but when I would offer to make another one, you’d always refuse and tell me that you enjoy the crispy corners. I would smile to myself and think that you were the most terrible liar I knew. Over the time, I learnt that if I had burnt the toast, I should make a new one without asking you. You were all about formalities although eventually you would agree for what you want but formalities were necessary in your book of code and conduct. You had to pretend to care to make me feel good and once you were done making me feel special, you’d be like, ‘You’re the wife, know your role.’ I could never stop laughing after that.

The omelette was your favorite in the breakfast (of course with lots of chopped green chillies and red chilli flakes). You always liked it if I would not break the omelette on the pan while flipping it. With time, I mastered that art and I thought of myself as the best omelette chef in the world. You loved my cooking. When I would bring our breakfast in the room; you would once in a while surprise me with a clean and tidy bed. You knew I had a thing for the bed. I always wanted the bed to be made and be clean and tidy. However, you wouldn’t always do it. Your idea was that when I expected it, it shouldn’t be done but when I didn’t; you would make the bed. Your inconsistency and spontaneity always caught me. I remember how you used to look at my disappointed face when the bed was not made and to tease me further, you would put your arms around me from behind, giggle and whisper in my ear that you love to surprise me and watch my expressions. I wonder how we knew each other so well. I wonder how you could ever leave when you told me you saw your God in me.

I loved those times even better when you’d have to go early to work and then return by mid-day. I always liked to wake up with you and see you off (maybe that’s why you always told me that I was the perfect wife-material). When you had to go early, you preferred drinking juice instead of eating breakfast in the morning. However, when it was time for you to return after few hours, I would prepare breakfast for you. I loved to wait on you and would always be looking for you from our apartment’s window (imagine me and my race: kitchen and room, kitchen and room – Such a restless soul). Usually, you’d have the key of the apartment so when you would return; you wouldn’t go to the room (to keep your bag and stuff) or use the toilet (even though sometimes you had to use the toilet very bad because you didn’t like to use public toilets) but you would straight away come to the kitchen, hug me from behind and kiss my mouth. That was your routine. Sometimes, you would be running to the toilet after kissing me to get relieved but the kiss was necessary before anything. It was amazing how I would forget to kiss you at times before leaving the house but you would never forget to kiss my mouth. Do you ever wonder how it would feel to kiss me again? Do you ever wonder how my mouth will taste now — Heartache Berry or Emotional Cherry?

You were very self-conscious about your bad breath, even with me. You had to mouthwash before going to bed every night. Although, you couldn’t ever escape it completely because when you’d wake up and kiss my mouth unconsciously after wishing me a good morning in the bed, it was always too late for you to realize that you have kissed me without brushing your teeth or using mouthwash. I want to confess something today: I loved to kiss you better in the morning than in the night.

Every morning, I wake up with a part of you: sometimes your kiss and sometimes your scent; sometimes the hollow spaces in my heart that your absence fills and sometimes with your picture in my hand. Now that I have written this; I know why I woke up with a pain in my chest today. I might have missed on some part of you this morning and my heart couldn’t allow that injustice with you and your memories.

The flavor of love,
Is it vanilla or chocolate?
The cravings in love,
Are they bitter or sweet?
All that I know about love,
It begins and ends with you,
It’s the flavor of your tongue,
The scent of your body,
The sound of your voice,
The touch of your hand,
The sight of your utmost beauty.

Diary of Nobody -I-

I used to think of movies and books being too cheesy, over-dramatic and over-romantic for trying to show how one person can be on your mind for 24/7. I mean, you let your Ben & Jerry melt because you’re too busy thinking about somebody who might be having fun with somebody else (have some respect for Ben & Jerry – nobody gets to treat that tub of magic like that).

As a pedestrian, your life is even more miserable when in love. For instance, you have been waiting for the cars to stop so you can cross the street but once the traffic had stopped, you have been time-travelling within your own thoughts. Now somebody would have to nudge you to let you know that you can cross the road (only if you are fortunate enough for people to think that you are not crazy). Otherwise you would have the waiting and time-travelling game driving you mad.

I think what you are trying to do with your thoughts is none of my business but now that I am on the very same page as you, I know what you all have been up to. You are busy trying to keep your sanity intact. You are busy trying to control the traffic of your brain-cells from running into the business of your heart. You are at a crossroad and although it seems like everything is at a standstill; the world inside you is moving too fast (that’s exactly how I feel).

Yesterday, I was training for this new job that I have been recently shortlisted for (Congratulations to me). I was sitting in a big auditorium with lots of people. Their voices were like the annoying version of early-morning-chirping-birds. I was absolutely lost. Not because I was nervous or anxious about the training but because I was lost in your thoughts. I was wondering what you would be doing at that time when I was sitting there thinking about you knowing exactly that it was too early for you to be awake. I know how the time difference works between us so I was trying to sort out your routine for the day in my head. I also know that it’s none of my business now but I like to think of it as my business. I miss waking you up (worse off, I miss waking next to you – *sigh*, not again).

The whole world around me in that auditorium was buzzing with energy and the smell of sweat (they needed Febreeze). Everybody was trying to be social in their very own way and that is when I realized I wanted to run away from that place. On more than one occasion, people tried to start a conversation with me but I didn’t show quite an interest in their conversation so they didn’t bother either. I just wanted you there. I wanted to laugh with you. I wanted to play that game we used to play where we would guess ‘who is who’ and stereotype people (how sweet evil devils we used to be together). I wanted you on my team, right by my side.

It’s not that you have made me anti-social. I have always hesitated being around new people. Socializing and striking conversations has never been my cup of tea but it reminds me of how easily you would crack jokes around people to make them comfortable. You were an absolute ‘pleaser’. Although mostly, you’d enjoy staying in with me because apparently on the outside you were this people-friendly guy but on the inside you had some trust issues because of bad experiences so we both were all the same for different reasons. I loved it when we could stay in all day long, binge on snacks, order takeaway and watch Netflix for the entire day. You would get hungry after every hour (sometimes even less) but skinny people like you always have the advantage over food. How I miss those memorable days and wish for them to return (Not again – Control your emotions *breathe in and breathe out*).

Yesterday was a pain in my bum. I didn’t know why you kept visiting me in my thoughts so often. I wish you could visit me in reality though. Hey, I’m not trying to be cheesy but my heart was aching – that is how much I missed you yesterday. Do you miss me? Do you miss the thought of being around me?

I have a better question. Do you even love me?

I wish you’d come back one day,
I wish for our love to take you high,
It’s only you I want to be with,
Over the time, I have learnt to love our differences,
Over the time, I have learnt this little trick,
Keep fooling your heart,
‘Cause the love they talk about,
It is merely a myth.