Double Standard

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It’s not hurt that conquers my heart but it’s you. I am what my past has made me and it’s all about you – it’s all about us. The pain that comes with being a part of you is somewhat enchanting. I find my comfort in your arms. I seek my love in your eyes. I recognise myself in the purpose of your existence. It’s unbelievable that you will play a double standard game but then after all you are one of your kind – unpredictability is in your blood.

I can breath you in all day long. I can feed on the curves around your lips forever. I can watch myself in the depth of your eyes for every second left of my life. I can forgive you but not forget you. I can love you but not leave you. I can please you even at the expense of who I am but you won’t see, you won’t listen and you won’t even understand. All that I was and all that I have become is to you just another pawn in your double standard game.


Photo Credits: https://www.google.com/images

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For a second, I thought I lost you. Your fingers let go of my hand and your pulse plays hide and seek with me. Your eyes are shut and your face is calm as if angels have already arrived. Suddenly, I hear you mumbling..

‘Mitsy, please don’t leave me‘.

I don’t know what to do, I feel powerless, as if I am shackled in chains of self destruction. How can I let you go when you have asked me not to?

‘Darling, I am right here’, I whispered.

You hold my hand as tightly as you can but I feel nothing. Your eyes are teary but you wouldn’t say a word. Of course, you and your feminine strength! But I know, beneath this Iron Lady of mine, there is my little chunky bear who is crying and hurting and I cannot do anything about it.

‘You ate anything?’, you struggled to speak.

‘Shush, don’t you speak! You worry too much’, I smiled.

I vowed to you on our wedding day that I will be there by your side forever and will catch every one of your teardrop before it lands on your cheek. Now for the first time I have failed to fulfil my vow. As I see a teardrop moistening your cheek, I scoop it gently with my finger before it dissolves in your skin. I feel like a criminal in my own body. You are not supposed to break like this. One after the other, each day is draining you out and as much as I want to take you away from all this, I cannot. It’s difficult to believe that humans like us can become this vulnerable and incapable that we have to give up to nobody but ourselves – our very own body.

I feel sick to my stomach watching these doctors fiddle with your body like a mechanic would with an automobile. I am watching you while these doctors are trying to understand your body. Your body is complex and functions differently than mine. It is attacked by those microscopic things called germs. As a child, I always thought of these germs as a creation of the imagination of Science. Perhaps, now I stand corrected. Doctors tell me that the germs attacking you are not ordinary germs we might be affected by if we don’t take care of our hygiene. Instead they are pretty dangerous; deadly enough to change the will of your body. Now, as your body and germs fight as one, so must our spirits in this battle for life.

While these doctors are trying to do their job, you are peaceful like angels have taken you away from me. For a second I think I have lost you all over again but it’s the story of my life. Your disease is draining the life out of your system and watching you come and go is draining mine.

Happy Mothers Day (UK Version)

My super-mum when she was super-young!

My super-mum when she was super-young!

I have grown up celebrating “Mothers Day” on the second Sunday of May since ever but this time there is a twist in the story. I realized that England celebrates its mother’s day on the second Sunday of March and so I decided there is no harm in celebrating mother’s day twice a year instead it is a TREAT (for my mother specifically). But there is a villain to this story too and that is “Time”. My mother isn’t with me today (in England) and so she wont be on the Mother’s day in May though I know that regardless she wont be physically with me, her love and prayers are always with me.

The hustle and bustle in the stores, grocery markets (Especially Card Factory) on this very weekend is worth mentioning. People choosing cards for their mommy, granny etc and I felt miserable and happy at the same time. Happy for many would have their mothers right with them to cherish this special  day and miserable cause I was jealous or rather envious – I was envious of their happiness.

Mothers are the embodiment of God on this planet(at least that’s what I’ve believed for ever). There are no adjectives that can describe how great a mother is but we can always try – try to tribute her and make her feel special; not on just one special day but every day in our very own way. She should know that she is always cherished, her presence is a significant trademark in our lives, love for her is eternal and even if it is that we have to present our lives at stake to honor her, we will!

This woman who we call our “Mother” starts to feel us way too before we become tangible for her. She knows us well enough even before giving birth to us. Those nine months are her celebration, she counts down to the big day when she could finally touch her baby. The baby she had been awaiting since long when every day was a pain blended with happiness. She protects her baby for life exactly like her womb has protected the baby for nine months. Our mums are all the very same in a very different way. Some are strict, some are lenient, some are emotional, some are harsh and the list goes on but what unites them is they all love us – just enough that even if the whole world hates us, her love would be sufficient for the warmth and care needed.

These two ladies are the most beautiful beings on earth!My mommy and sissy <3

These two ladies are the most beautiful beings on earth!
My mommy and sissy ❤

My mom is a super-mom! Incredibly loving, caring, cheerful, emotional, compassionate, fierce, patient, kind, generous, warm-hearted, strong, beautiful, wise, my mentor, my bestie and the list goes on and on until I conclude it – she is a role model for me and I would always want to be a mother like her. I am very fortunate to have her in my life. The distance over the time has taught me many lessons. I wake up to my ringing alarm clock in the morning and miss looking at her angelic face for the very first thing in morning. I eat yogurt every morning and would buy her favorite cereal “Weetabix” cause I miss arguing over the breakfast with her that I don’t like eating yogurt or Weetabix for breakfast no matter how nutritious it is. I miss our “girlie” conversations and gossips. I miss when nobody is there to see me off when I leave for school. I miss her teasing me over my so-called big nose. I miss her calling me those nick names when I’d get real annoyed to attack her and she’d tickle me despite of the fact she knows that I am not ticklish. I miss cooking and baking with her when I’d be giving her tips on fashion and fitness and she’d be telling me to focus on cooking before she could smell something burning. I miss those long nights when she would toss and turn in bed cause something is bothering her and all she would need is a good massage, a considerate ear and a hot cup of milk and when I’d do it for her, she’d kiss my forehead and would tell me that I am her princess. I miss when she’d pinch me when I am on the verge to spit out her secret(unintentionally) in front of my dad. I miss her confused expressions while I’d teach her to use laptops, smart phones or even an I pod. I miss “HER”. I have realized her importance in my life even more in these few months while I have been away from her. She is my lovely mommy and I miss her every day and every night and I know she misses me way more than I can ever miss her but we love each other the most.

Find some time to spend  with her and let her know that you love her cause the arms of the clock would never turn back and the last thing you’d ever want to do on this planet would be “Regret”. Love her, respect her, honor her and make her feel special before it’s too late. Tell her she is your super-mom and your life may be super-busy and super-occupied but you always have some super-time every day for your super-mom! Cheers!

Dark Days Are Gone!

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Memories of you stuck in my head

I cursed myself for its difficult to shred our thread
Why did you leave me on my own?
How can you pretend to be unknown?
But baby sun shines after every dark night
You may be one in the million and I blame my sight
I wont beg you for any chance, I know I am right
The truth in my eyes will rewrite my love story – the highest flight
So wait for the day when I get back to you
Get back to you to show you what I’ve got
A man of my dreams, my soul mate for a shot
You’ll be jealous and I’ll hit the right spot
So wait baby wait until I get back to you….

You complained how I snored in the bed?
Or how I slept when you talked and talked instead
Did it give you the right to smack me down?
Who were you to complain when I frowned?
Baby, have a look at your cold blue eyes
They said it all despite of my unworthy tries
So wait for the day when I get back to you
Get back to you to show you what I’ve got
A man of my dreams, my soul mate for a shot
You’ll be jealous and I’ll hit the right spot
So wait baby wait until I get back to you….

My heart still beats on the rhythm of your name
My soul calls out loud for freedom – its untamed
Baby would you let me know my blame?
Oh shame, if I have been too lame
Too lame to forgive you over again
You bruised me everyday to fulfill your aims
Pardon baby, no more love coming your way
My heart will give up on you someday
So wait for the day when I get back to you
Get back to you to show you what I’ve got
A man of my dreams, my soul mate for a shot
You’ll be jealous and I’ll hit the right spot
So wait baby wait until I get back to you….

 

The Random Scribbles…

I lie in my bed,
With the shedding memories which were misread.
I miss your touch and the way you held me,
The reason for my smile is gone for I am free.
I walk out of the door and nobody’s there to pull me in,
Can you just not see there lives a *GIRL* under my skin?

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He respects me,
His efforts always invested for my happiness and glee.
I look here and there to reassure if he is still around,
He shrugs and there is his shy smile to be found.
Beauty is his possession,
For I know, I have made a CONFESSION!

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You went away,
I waited for there was much to say,
Turn around if there is any way,
Can you hear me shouting – please stay!
This world wont give me a chance to pray,
Can we relive those golden days?
Forgive me, I’m on my knees today,
Leave me the burning scar – remind me to smile everyday!

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Sleepless nights in the cold December,
Loneliness is all what I can remember.
The river of my tears that flowed before your door step,
My insignificant soul meant nothing but an ultimate misstep.
The one embrace I crave for now is,
The arms of death to spare me with bliss.

Beyond The Vision!

When I was a little girl, the world around me was like a bubble. I now think, if I would have popped my finger out of that bubble in those days, the world would have not been observed as a merry-go-round by me. A small girl who bombarded her parents with a “WHY”, “HOW” and “WHEN” frequently and who was fearless to burst the bubble and come face to face with the ruthless reality pertaining in the society; but Alas! The vindictive time, it always has a great timing! At the age of 4, this girl asked her teacher, “Ma’am, why can’t birds speak?” That day her teacher told her that every WHY in the world can not be answered and due to the undeveloped brain cells which failed to analyze the answer in the appropriate manner, that answer of the teacher was saved as a permanent file in ROM of her brain that could never be removed. Whenever, she faced a situation or a question and as soon as her brain used to prepare her for asking WHY due to the perplexity, the same stored file used to bang her head at the right moment reminding her of the teacher’s answer. She laid in her bed every night wondering how the sky is standing without pillars when no building can. She marveled how the sun shines so brightly when the moon was merely the opposite. She was bewildered when she questioned herself why the sea is so immense that she can’t see the ending spot. The perplexed questions ended every night with an exposure to the unexpected valley of dreams. Hence, that is the time when this 4 year old girl started coming out of the sealed bubble. She now wanted to be a colorful butterfly which can fly and be responsible for her very own flight.

Some of my many journals!

This girl started developing wings and the bubble was harmed every time her wings flapped at any instant. She lived in the world of her QUESTIONNAIRE. The questions, she kept to herself which were ultimately the reason for the quest to discover and explore beyond her knowledge. She wanted someone to hold up to her and answer her; she again faced hard time analyzing which medium could be the safest. Yeah, her wit clicked, why not her very own mother; but again that permanently stored answer of the teacher amplified her mystification and that is when she discovered that there exist a PAPER and a PENCIL that can be her best friend and unlike any other beings on this planet, their mouths will be forever sealed. She was amazed to discover such an innovative idea and at the age of 8, she started maintaining her very own registers. She did not want anyone to know about her thoughts regarding anything; she wanted those journals to be as personal as her body was to her. She was unaware of the fact that an eight year old doll would not be given sufficient privacy to survive and hence would be intruded more than once if the hidden registers came across the eyes of her guardians. She tried her level best to never let anybody know that she writes to release the burden off her shoulders; she carried those registers in her bag every time with an unpleasant fear of her thoughts becoming publicized.

Around the corner, this truth was not concealed for a very long time and she found her mother reading one of her private journal once she woke up from a very sound sleep. That was the first time she ever yelled at anybody. She was crying, she was blaming herself, she was regretting for choosing paper to be her best friend as it eventually showed its disloyalty. There was nothing confidential mentioned in those journals which could not be read by her mother but the very mutual thought of how untrustworthy even a non-living thing can be occupied her and this trauma didn’t end well. Her mother held her, caressed her, kissed her and embraced her collecting her entirely in her maternal arms where she sobbed for an eternity. She kept repeating the same line of how she hated herself. Within this phase, she realized one of her very good qualities that she doesn’t require an eternity to get over a mishap. Within two days, she was the same cheerful girl who lived in her own world with the same innocent heart building more question with every passing moment but now she did not have any best friend. At school, she was a quiet and shy girl who always succeeded in academics with a remarkable margin but showed no interest in any extra co-curricular activities. The time continued to pass by and taught her various lessons of life but she missed that unfaithful friend of hers – PAPER! The only thought that used to startle her was that why could she not forgive her best friend? After a year or so, she recovered and was friends with PAPER again. This time she wanted to be more aware of her mother not reading anything; she was now growing into an adolescent and the life was chasing her like she was a bone being chased by a starving dog. She continued filling sheets and sheets with her personal experiences, her daily affairs, how the world haunted her, how she wanted to be everything but not a wife (like her mother), how she wanted to explore the space and etc. The dreamy world was yet not over until 12, subsided with mature thoughts than her age-group. Even her dreamy world craved the meaning of life and the reason behind her existence. She often used to write about it when she entered into a very charming and alluring phase of any human’s life – TEENAGE!

Now this doll was 13; no more a doll indeed. She was a grown up girl who was ready to flap her wings open and explode the bubble confining her abilities. She flew swirling around the boundaries of life and exploded it with a charisma. Her teenage was abnormal or rather should I say it was normal because it was not the same boy-friends, drinks, clubs, pubs and dance floors that united her life and thrilled her but it was her escalating confidence that made her “UNIQUE” in the gatherings. Her parents were astounded themselves, she was paranormal with her brain grasping more than required for her age. She was no more a shy doll but a confident and stunning girl who could sway around with daffodils and make the universe dance on her finger tips. She turned out to be a debater where her teachers encouraged her to debate frequently to enhance her inborn skills with the weapon of experience. The paper remained her best friend throughout; though it was disloyal at times but she realized how her best friend could be someone else’s friend too. Her acquaintances called her arrogant, rude, she was blamed for her attitude when all she did was smile – her gleaming eyes smiled to their remarks. She was blessed with an enriched soul, all her job was to nourish it with plenty of resources in order to live up to what is expected of her by the world as well as Him.  

Let you soul be free like a flying bird because ETERNITY lives in there.

This girl is ordinary just like YOU. A compassionate soul living in everybody – the only difference between YOU and her is she listened and responded to her soul since the day it called out to her; she was accomplishing what she was asked for by her Almighty. This is a time to catch the right bus at the right station and listen to your blaring soul, let the questions seep your heart, get a medium to express yourself and immortal soul BUT be aware of the hazards and obstacles on your way because no accomplishment can be achieved without the audacity to try. Live every moment in a sacred way cause neither can you trust your breath nor your life – this little doll gave us the same message of how to never trust the voices you hear from your ears but trust the sole voice that you can hear from the ears of your heart and soul – the voice of Eternity. 

Betrayal (THE FINAL PART * PART IV)

Love is neither for me nor for you;
Lesson for everybody – comprehended by FEW.

My bed swallowed me in a gulp

Concealing the emotions within my heart’s pulp

Under the sheets, the rolling tears need a break

Otherwise there will be a flowing salty lake

Everything has turned to betray me except his thoughts

His memories slaughter me with the silent thrashing shots

I shut my eyes to embrace the mortal sleep

One thing more to deceive but his thoughts deep and deep

I strive to trail away from his thoughts for an instant

Defeated by an immense margin – my soul arrogant

Was the time spent with him an incredible reality or a worse nightmare?

I can sense his breathing pulse caressing my earlobe as if I still care

His splendid looks, miraculous personality, humble nature – my ultimate admiration

Was it an obsession or my admiration on biased foundation?

Was loving him intensely my substantial mistake?

Was this I deserve at the end of the day – melancholy, agony and heart ache?

The uprising question is: WHAT HE DID?

Struggled to get rid of me; leaving me to solve his remnant grid

The perception of the prince charming that enthralled me before

It lingers in my head – poison needed to seal the sore spore

He was my prince – THE ONE with whom I dreamt of walking down the aisle

The moments passed by in the shot of a bullet – I helplessly smile

The twinkle of his eye, the curve of his lips, his emphatic Adam’s apple

His vivid imagery accommodates the empty rooms of my brain as a gray-dapple

Things turned from bad to worse

Nothing left except to curse

Eventually my doom compelled my soul to give in

The devastated me doesn’t have any choice but to dump my feelings in the fatal bin

I turned pale, feeble and fragile

No more rosy cheeks; tears competent of the fast flowing Nile

Love is eternal regardless of what is cherry-picked

Love is morphine – an addiction for an addict

There is a message for you to know

Love is naïve yet a massive blow

Seek the lesson on your way

Trust broken once can’t be mended any day

Love unconditionally – no quest for the reward

Thirst for endeavor and adventure rings the heartily chord

*THE END*

Betrayal – Part I

Betrayal – Part II

Betrayal – Part III

Betrayal (Part III)

Let me cry,
Let everybody spy.

The empty house compelling me to commit a sin

The burning scars appealing hindered pain under my skin

The dagger in my hand – I desired to bleed

Thus excreting the organic fluid to feed my soul with creed

The unwavering will to slash my wrist

Eradicating the memories behind the mist

His face pressed against the walls of my brain

The smell of his body intriguing my soul again

He is yet a sweet memory – I can’t blame him

How can I forget our first kiss under the moon lit dim?

I am into pieces again – pleading myself to forget and forgive

My heart aches in the quest for our moments to commemorate and relive

His virtual appearance holding me close together

Hence I am nothing better, just an old rotting feather

His reminiscences surpassed me to hand the dagger again

“Let’s do it”, recalled my hasty brain

I was on the verge to gash my wrist for the blood to flow

Flow like a thrusting ocean to manifest what’s there to show

The stamina summoned when a thought clicked

Why such an audacious choice for my family cause of a vicious convict?

I threw the knife onto the ground

Sobbed and wept unless I heard a sound

As I heard the sound, I dashed to my room

Washed my face, managed to be in bed without a BOOM!

He ruled my thoughts persistently declaring his reign over me

We vowed to love each other forever with glee

Did he forget his commitment even before the war started?

Did he intend to make me bleed with suffocation and misery faint-hearted?

To Be Continued…

Betrayal – Part I

Betrayal – Part II

BETRAYAL (Part II)

Seeing is not believing,
Believing is not feeling.

As I heard him declaring his departure

He shot an arrow as miraculously as an archer

Listening to his bizarre words, I was on my knees

Possessed no strength to hear, smell, touch or see

I watched him parting in the dark rainy night

Wishing a final goodbye with a vivid smile radiating light

I strolled home single-handedly weeping and crying

His words stuttered in my mind – my tears complying

My mum awaiting me at the home’s door

Disguising the ache, the veil of bliss that I wore

She asked me where was I?

I sighed and told her a lie

How can I tell her it was a lad?

Who deceived and took everything I had?

My numb body directing my senses to the way to my room

Thoughts ruled my mind and soul – this appalling doom

I cursed myself for being in love as a dope

There was no rainbow after this rain, no bliss and no hope

He left me for the sake he was done

Likewise, he is going to find another one

He is a traitor, a betrayer and a player

Thus ruled my heart for an eternity as a mayor

Depression and distress was now the food to my soul

I salute him for his significant triumph to attain his desired goal

One day when no one was in the house

I clasped a knife due to that louse

To Be Continued…

Betrayal – Part I

Betrayal (Part I)

Note: Since I was going through some of my old creations today, I thought of sharing this one of my heart-felt poetry which I wrote for my friend for her quick recovery after an awful accident that changed the course fo her life. This BALLAD will be divided into various parts as I am not in the will to post it without the element of curiosity. I have posted it before too on my old blog but many of my new friends haven’t been entertained so here you go with the first part – if you have read so re-enjoy and for fresh readers, *fingers crossed* (hope you like it).

Sometimes, my eye can betray me as well.

Whenever I think of you

I feel on me the dew

My hands sweat

My eyes become wet

Seeking around, finding someone

Who promised to be always by my side in the long run

I am struggling and fighting to recognize his voice

Lusting for the touch of his hands, smell of his body or my choice

My memories inundated with him only

Thus he left me forlorn and utterly lonely

He promised to build me the fountain of happiness

Money paid no heed, I loved his struggle effortless

He assured and reassured how he loved me the most

His confessions false, his existence reminiscent of a ghost

I was folly to think how he was the ONLY ONE for me

The reckless cheeriness and his ways responsible for my glee

One day he turned to me like a rock

Almost numb, my mindset shock

I wondered at his condition that day

My hand resting on his, consoling him to tell what he ought to say

He hesitated to proclaim his disappearance forever soon

He walked away leaving me under the blood dripping dark moon

To Be Continued…