Relationship Trauma!

NOTE: Thank you so much for keeping a track to my site even when I was not posting, the stats are evident. Thank you for the shower of those beautiful mails who wanted to inquire about my NO-POSTING season, your care and love for me moved me to the core and that is how I planned on updating the blog today in spite of the busy schedule – your over-whelming love can break the barriers of the cold working schedule. I am blessed to have a bunch of sincere readers who seek my work and look up to me. Thank you once again for all the mails, they are worth million gems and I will surely be getting back to each one of them. I hope that my readers can compromise on my delayed posting though I will try to post at least once a day and if not possible then at least once in three days. The posting may be affected but I ensure that the reading hours won’t be reduced – all the blogs I follow will be read and fed with likes and comments where necessary. Thank you for the cooperation.

 

It has been three years, two months, twenty-seven days, seven hours, five minutes and thirty-seven seconds (to the date) when I met him for the first time. I was always pretty precise about our timings as it was always a treat to make him feel special with such remarkable moves that helped me look at him gaping with surprise at how perfect I was at times especially when it was concerned with him. I never intended to sound over-efficient or behave over-smartly but my target was to feed him with pleasure and happiness all at once. The stories of his past haunted him every now and then and I believed that it was my responsibility to ensure him that he was cherished and his present was much better than what he had expected of his future in the past. My efforts always wanted to pursue the desires of his heart so that he could feel the warmth and passion of love burning within me for him – his appearance may not be the factor for why was I attracted towards him but certainly his soul was primarily a key reason for my helpless condition. Despite of all my efforts, I believe I lack immensely from time to time. This feeling first bothered me when I realized that his way of expression and the incredible charm was fading – it was not my sight which has to be blamed but he really was changing. I did not have the nerve to ask him if he was not interested in continuing what we had between us – a blend of friendship that was transforming into love on my part and I was unaware of how his heart would respond to my feelings. The change in attitude is always evident and with time I saw his attitude rusting. I feared to let go of him – how would I ever feel if he would someday introduce me to the love of his life unaware of how my heart raced for him incredibly. How could he ever deny that when he called me beautiful, I blushed because there is really something happening deep down within me when he praises me. How could he not know that when we linked arms and walked together at the Christmas party of the school for the first time, I felt like a fairy-tale princess and I wanted to pause the life at that very moment to glance at him for eternity. Was he really unaware of my feelings unless I expressed myself in those three letter essential yet worthless words? How could I ever forget that moment when he said: “Darling, I was waiting for an eternity to hear it. Oh my goodness, I love you so much too”. He embraced me and I felt secured in his arms – first time ever after my daddy was gone and never held on to my finger because of his lousy second wife and her sons that comparatively seemed better to him than me and my mum. I can never compare him to my dad as I never found him a moral person but this guy; he was beyond morality for me.  Unfortunately, we always are immature and perceptive when the mind stops functioning and it is the chords of heart that tunes in to write the lyrics of our love song. He repeatedly betrayed me whenever he said that he loved me and I was such a fool that I actually believed him every time his cold gray eyes deceived me with the floral words he uttered. I have no idea what was my ranking on his list but he was the first one for me and the last one too (This thought was shaken when he left me all on my own at the eleventh hour)

 

Doubtlessly, he treated me exceptionally. He lived in the hostel of the campus as his home was situated in some other city but he would always walk me to my home which was a 15 minutes walk from the school campus. He would often slip his arm around my waist to hold me against him firmly or would hold my hand tracing my fingers gently on our way to home. Everything he did was charismatic or may be I was new to flirting even at the age of 19. We went to the cinema a couple of times together and all he did was look at me; I would punch his well-built chest muscles as I was shy but he used to sit there looking at me the entire time and laugh out loud when I used to sob gently (on an emotional scene) with my tears fluttering on my cheeks and then he would gently press his pinky finger against my cheeks to wipe away the tears. When we used to head out of the cinema, he always babbled about my red rosy cheeks – rosy was the word he used for my cheeks. He knew that if I would laugh or cry I will turn red like a tomato within a second and this was one reason he used to call me “Rose” so that he can tease me with his enthralling smile and lure me with his appealing flirtiest voice. He always encouraged my natural looks – he thought ”NO-MAKEUP”  made me stand above all the girls in our school and he repetitively mentioned how he loved me for my simplicity. His gentle kisses on my forehead when he would cup my face in his hands always enhanced my confidence and strengthened my love for him. The first time he ever kissed me on my lips was stupendous – for a moment I thought life was at a standstill as if I was drawn away from this world to the Heavens and I enjoyed a flight with angels. It was quick but this was the first time I could smell his Tony & Guy gel cream, his strong after shave and the strawberry cologne that enchanted me to remain like this forever. He was a gentleman – I realized it when he plunged his gray eyes into my chocolate brown and uttered the three magical words for the last time. Are you wondering where did he go? I don’t know myself. After our graduation, he ensured me that we would marry and he would do all he can to make me meet his parents. One day after two months he called on my landline – I ripped open my heart and started screaming at him over the receiver. I cursed him for being out of contact, for switching off his cell phone and simultaneously I cursed myself for not taking his home address, if that could have been one way to be in contact through postal cards and letters! After listening to me calmly, he uttered in the cold voice (an anonymous voice I was unaware of), “We can not work out. I think we should part our ways”. The receiver dropped from my hand and I was shaken from head to toe. I didn’t have the strength to uplift myself and I fell onto the ground when my toe hit the corner of the table and my toe-nail was scraped from the corner oozing the red liquid that was none of my concern anymore – my heart was bleeding much more than what drenched the bottom of my trousers and spilled on the floor. I got up and dug myself in bed – not just for one day but for many days that continued for several months but my mum’s patience always fed me with the stamina to bear the hardships coming my way. I tried calling him twice on the same number from where he had called but it was a local phone booth number in Edinburgh. He was sly to never leave a trace of him in my life and vanish like a shooting star.

 

A story like this or multiple stories with various differences are being heard every day by us or one of our colleagues. What do we do after hearing them? Feel pity for them?? The root of the problem in anyway does not focus on the betrayal with girls specifically but it focuses on the “STRATEGY OF A RELATIONSHIP” – there could be a guy in this girl’s place too cursing the turmoil of the past. Previously, I have been going through various blogs where girls and guys write their heart out. They believe that writing can help them with the speedy recovery; well doubtlessly this is a good idea but there are certain remedies that can help heal the open wounds or instead help you be aware of the relationships before hand.

 

There are five BEWARES I will list under their respective headings to counter once you think that the relationship you desire should be serious:

FREEDOM GRANTED:

Once you are committed, the possessiveness should be under control. Let the other person breathe at least. Life and love is not about tying your loved ones instead the more you allow freedom the more trust is promoted within a relationship. Suspicion should be kept aside as this is one tool that should never be used throughout the life time.

 

SOCIAL CIRCLE IS NECESSARY:

There are majority of the love cases where they give up their healthy social life because the charm of each other’s arms is much more thrilling than partying out with friends on a beach party. This idea may not sound lame but once the relationship does not turn out to be long-termed, life is no less than a hell when you do not have friends around to support you. However, friends and a lover should have their respective places and the time should be accordingly divided.

ACADEMICS:

For students and teenagers who willingly involve themselves in love mantras during their studying years is not at all a good idea. There is an age and time period for everything. This love factor encourages you to compromise on the part of your academics which as a result affects your grades; hence even if a relationship is serious in your career years, make sure you have bound circle set around you or a time table to help you plan out everything requiring your immediate attention.

LOVE IS NOT LIFE:

People who can not recover over a relationship or goes in a certain painful trauma are usually the ones who are new to the world of “LOVE”. Either it may be the first time they have been serious regarding a relationship or it must have been their first long-termed relationship. Whatever the reason may be, make sure life and love are two separate key words. Love happens in LIFE. Therefore, life is a primary word and it should be lived and cherished with or without love from a lover. After all, love encounters are a part of the life time but life itself is a one-go blessing!

INVOLVE PARENTS:

Once you think that the relationship is pretty serious, involve your parents. If one side is reluctant to involve parents, make sure you get through the reason and if there is no reason then obviously there is a sour smell of your rotting relationship. Therefore, if both are willing to involve parents, this is a very good sign for a healthy relationship. The meeting of your loved one with your parents would help you take an advice from them who usually are more mature, practical and experienced regarding these matters.

REMEDIES IF YOU HAVE ALREADY BEEN DITCHED

A HEALING PEN:

Write your heart out on a piece of paper and burn the paper right in front of you or shred it into pieces. No need to keep a record of what you write and if you desire to keep a record or maintain a diary, it is ultimately as per on your own wishes. The key point is jotting down the wounds to let them heal. Once your heart is lightened from the burden of sorrow, you are good to go!

HANGING OUT:

After a break up, no one desires to expose themselves to the world of the embarrassment or rather they hate the sunshine as they believe the light of hope in their lives had vanished. In such a condition, compelling one’s self to go out and cherish nature helps in a million ways. Your mind wanders around the circumstances but nature engages your attention quite well. Even if friends are around they can be a pretty good treat too. Therefore, this compelling may sound like forcing one’s self but at the end of the day it helps you to heal fast.

THANKING THE ALMIGHTY:

In such circumstances when we are suffering of sorrow and misery, all we are capable of is cursing God. This lame act consequently reminds me of how we can stop thanking Him for ending the unpleasant trauma at an early stage and after all He is the Creator – He would never take a bad decision for us. The trust and faith in Him always is a positive vibe to continue with life cheerfully.

CRYING DOES HELP:

At times, all we would desire is to cry until our tears are dry. Do as per the desires of your heart. Cry as much as you want. It helps in reducing the burden off your heart. At the end either you would fall asleep or feel better than what you felt before. Crying your heart out is a simple yet a great remedy.

DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION:

Indulge yourself in various activities to pursue your personal interest so you are not left with the long hours thinking about the turmoil of the past. Enroll yourself to learn new interesting things, read books, paint on the canvas, make handicrafts, spend your time walking along the sea shore, doing work out and etc. In short, treat yourself with a tough routine which will help you to forget about the past readily and your attention will be diverted towards various other things of your interest.

YOGA & MEDITATION:

Yoga and mediation is a ready-made remedy. Once you know yoga, you have a good option to recover with the lightening speed and if not then enroll yourself for the yoga classes and the difference can be felt instantaneously. Yoga and meditation helps you to attain peace of mind by soothing your heart pulse and brain nerves. This automatically drives you out of the horrid trauma that is the unpleasant present of the destiny for an amusing life experiences.

LEARN THE LESSON:

Feeling betrayed by a loved one is painful. Feeling that your trust and relationship were not valued by the other person is difficult to bear but learn the lesson on your way. Betrayal teaches you not to idolize the external sources. Learn the lesson of forgiveness.  After all, life is the name of “Moving On”!

Escape (Part II)

A lovely new morning,
Strengthening life with another warning.

Cara woke up to the sound of the chirping birds and stretched in her bed with a gleaming smile as the unpleasant confrontation of the past night faded in the rooms of her brain. She climbed out of her bed wrapping the warm quilt around her and walked to the window where she removed the curtains to expose herself to the sunlight of the bright new day. Her Sunday morning was usually late but today was different. If one phase of her brain thought about Jon and their young romance leading to an official relationship in future then the other phase of her brain pondered over the survival of her dad after her. She agreed that he was unpredictable but she never blamed him for his behavior. She knew what it would feel to lose someone who is precious to the soul and heart but all this time she failed to analyze that why couldn’t her dad realize that it was not solely him who had lost a beloved wife but she had lost a MOTHER as well – a woman who contained her for nine months yet she knew nothing about her. Mr. Laurengram never felt any better discussing his late wife; he only preferred to drink and drink in grief – grief that Cara believed would never let go of him until the jaws of death would terminate the thread of his breath.

 

Cara’s silent thoughts were vanished in the air when her ringing cell phone scared her to death. She threw back the quilt wrapped around her in a jerk and dashed to her dressing to grab her cell phone and answered the call breathlessly.

“Cara, were you working out at 8 in the morning? I mean, are you okay?” Jon rushed himself with his words like an express on the station.

“Uh.. Well, why are you speaking as if you  are living the last minute of your life?” humorously remarked Cara

“When will you stop being naughty Cara?”

”Never! Do I complain when you are silly to heights?”

”My babe is making me blush eh?” giggled Jon to tease her over and over.

“How is mommy? Was she worried the last night?” Cara asked anxiously. She had met Jon’s mum more than thrice and she saw the reflection of her own mum in that beautiful lady’s embodiment.

“Mum is good, anyway, she was worried but she knew to every beat that I was with YOU”, Jon teases Cara again with his chuckles over the phone.

“Whatever! Are you coming over for the Spring Party at Gayle’s place in the evening?”

“Cara, lets skip it and go for the dinner sweetheart, what do you say?”

“Jon, I have taken enough of you for the morning. See you at the party, let me check dad for now” Cara explained simply for Jon to stop teasing her.

“Okay babe, it is my turn to serve mum so I got to go too but aren’t you forgetting SOMETHING?”

”I love you Jon”, Cara was blushing even though they were not confronting each other.

“I love you too darling”, Jon knew it came from the heart – the core of his heart.

 

They ended the call and busied themselves in their routine. Cara went downstairs and knew that her dad was fast asleep. She brewed coffee and boiled few eggs for the breakfast. She inserted two slices of bread in the toaster at a time and toasted few slices. She collected the news paper from the porch and went through the headlines while laying the table for breakfast. She preferred milky coffee while black coffee was a necessity for his dad to wipe away the recurring headache after the night which had been spent drinking. He avoided drinking on the week days but weekend served him exquisite timings to drink and mourn. Cara knocked her dad’s room few times but no response assured her of his unconsciousness and she opened the door gently and saw her dad lying on the sofa sleeping sound. The last night was invigorated in her brain and her eyes suddenly were filed with tears. She looked precisely like her dad. The same blue eyes her mother has fallen in love with were the secret to her beauty. These blue eyes were deeper in meaning – the legacy of her life. She sat across the sofa brushing her dad’s brunette hair through her slender fingers and sobbing over his body as if he was already dead. After few minutes, her dad moved and then within few seconds he was squinting to the flashing sunlight illuminating the room through the white curtains.

“Cara, umm.. You here? Baby, Is everything okay?” his hesitation was evident that he might not remember accurately what he did last night but the fragments to the incident were still stored in the hippocampus of his brain.

“Oh daddy, I thought you were too tired so just brought the black coffee couple of minutes ago”, Cara tried her best to sound normal.

There was a pin drop silence. Mr. Laurengram was too busy fighting with the annoying headache that he was unable to see the fresh tears drying out on the pink cheeks of his little doll. He had complimented Cara for the black coffee and was headed to the breakfast table by Cara.

“Oh my goodness, you did this all? When did you wake up or should I ask did you sleep?” he uttered with amazement. Cara smiled and chose to stay silent for that moment. Mr. Laurengram was hungry, he had skipped the meal last night but Cara’s appetite had died already, she played with the fork in her plate cutting the egg in to pieces until he realized her little doll’s lost figure and snapped his fingers before her focused eyes.

 

“Are you in the same world in which I am eating like a beggar hungry for days?” he remarked to lighten the atmosphere.

“Daddy, I am not feeling hungry. I had coffee when I woke up so not feeling like eating.”

“Do you have any plans for the evening?” he asked her politely.

“Oh yeah, a college mate has arranged a Spring Party for the evening. Anything up with you?”

“Yeah, I will drop you by and leave for my business deal. I have a meeting this evening.”

 

The silence again shut their conversation and Mr. Laurengram began leafing the newspaper while she moved upstairs to avoid the confrontation with her dad. He was persistently reminding her of the last night when she did not want to think about it. She heard her dad calling her and she ran downstairs to hear what he had to say.

 “I am sorry”, he said uncertainly.

“Umm.. It’s okay.” Cara tried to resist back her tears. Her dad was not looking at her; she knew he was embarrassed to look into her eyes. The physical pain meant nothing to this young girl but her smashed emotions feared her if she would start hating her dad one day.

 “I know I am wrong. I know I say SORRY always and I hurt you all the time but …” he was interrupted by Cara’s gentle voice.

“Daddy, I said Okay. You don’t have to worry” her tears pierced the white flesh surrounding her sea-blue eyes balls and they spilled drop by drop wetting her face.

“Don’t cry please, that makes me feel guilty”, his voice was stern as usual and though he had pinned his eyes in the newspaper and had not looked up for even a single second yet he knew Cara better than anybody else that he could tell that she was crying without even looking at her.

“I am not crying Dad” she tried to be stern and stiff as him but the outburst of her cry made her run upstairs and dump herself facedown in bed trying to suppress her voice by tugging a pillow underneath her mouth. She cried and cried until her eyes surrendered and had insufficient water to let it out, her mouth and eyes both were dried for it had been an hour since she was crying to shrug the burden off his shoulders.

 

Crying endlessly in bed,
Mourning over the blood-shed.

She got up when it was half past noon. She arranged her closet deciding what to wear for the party the following evening. She messaged Jon to which there was no reply which indicated her that he was busy with his mum and hence she laid in her bed falling for the sleep. She woke up after few hours and before going to bathe she planned on sneaking downstairs to check up on her dad. The hall was empty but the kitchen was clean, her father was doubtlessly the most organized man she knew on the planet. She peeked in his room which was already arranged and tidy. She ran all the way to the porch and there was no car in the driveway, she knew where her dad was. She regretted crying in front of him; she was certain that he must be in the golf club playing golf on his own – the only thing he thought he could do anytime. She rang her dad though she knew he would not receive her call; he felt guilty beyond explanation but she knew he would turn into same creature once again when the memories of her mother would haunt him – this made her hate her mother at times.

Cara was dressed in a multicolor short dress and the bright colors complemented her fair-toned body. Her simplicity was her utmost beauty; she applied mascara to define her long thick eye lashes and softened her lips by applying a cucumber lip balm further defining her thin lips with the Etude glittery gloss to give a party touch to her appearance. She awaited her dad but there were no signs of his arrival; she called him over and over again but he wasn’t responding to her calls and this was not a good signal by any means. Therefore, pushing all the pessimistic thoughts aside, she called Jon to pick her when he would be heading for the party. Within a couple of minutes Jon was on her doorstep with a bouquet of flowers and a present.

“Present! Is there anything special?” exclaimed Cara with amazement and excitement blended all together.

“Well, you can keep the bouquet but you are not opening the present until I say so”, Jon smiled softly to her gleaming blue eyes.

Cara placed the flowers in a vase kept on the table beside stair case and locked the door while messaged her dad that she had waited long and when he had not responded to any of her calls, she had proceeded to the party with Jon. Cara looked at the gentleman precisely in the driver seat and locked her eyes on his innocent face. Cara had always found Jon’s hazel eyes soothing and intoxicating concurrently. Jon was wearing a lime-yellow t-shirt along with white pants. He didn’t look funky which is what the party demanded but decent as always. Cara knew every guy would be dressed fancily at the party but she was proud to be Jon’s girl; after all his dressing code had a taste which was beyond comparison.

 

I love you,
Claims the air that blew.

“I know I am looking SEXY but what are you staring eh?” Jon harassed her with a wink while slipping a finger of his right hand which is enclosed around the hand-gear to touch hers and there she smiled – the smile that always cheered him up and brought pleasure to his heart and soul.

“Oh Mr. Smarty Pants, you may be genius and nerdy but SEXY?? You are nothing close to Hugh Jackman” Cara taunted him back with a playful note in her voice to annoy him.

“Cara! I am no Hugh Jackman because I am Jon, Jon Stanley!” exclaimed Jon.

“Look, now who is getting pissed off huh? Possessive!! Possessive!!” Cara continued teasing him while he played with her fingers and cuddled around her at times when the traffic signal blinked red. 

After half an hour drive, they both were at Gayle’s place hand in hand.

“Cara! Jon! Wow! Great to see you guys together here”, an excited voice made them turn their backs to the addresser.

“Gayle! What a party, bro”, cried Jon with excitement as they both hugged each other followed by a hi-five. Cara shook her hand with Gayle who often seemed brainless to her.

Gayle was a rich brat and a very good friend of Jon. Cara knew him through Jon; though three of them studied together in the first year of Stanford University yet Cara hardly knew anybody whereas Jon was as social as his witty brain allowed him to help every individual in the college. Gayle wore a printed hot-pink t-shirt and multicolor long shorts which made him look no less than a joker. After a brief conversation of Jon and Gayle; Cara was lead to a corner by Jon where they got seated and conversed for an eternity. Suddenly their conversation was interrupted by Cara’s ringing cell phone and she was not certain to attend the call or not as there was an unknown number flashing on the screen. She ignored the call thrice and ultimately when Jon convinced her to receive the call, she agreed reluctantly for the fourth time.

 

“This is Polly from Stanford Hospital. Can I have a word with Miss Cara Laurengram?” an adenoidal flat voice from the other end cracked through the earphone.

“Yeah, Cara speaking”, she hesitantly answered.

“Your father had a severe car accident. We want you in the hospital in an immediate hour to carry out the formalities”, the flat voice was penetrating at once or it might be Cara’s ears.

 

A misery over a heart-felt loss,
Praying with my hand tracing the cross.

The phone tripped from Cara’s sweaty hands with her bulging eyes forming tears that trickled down her cheeks within no time and she hadn’t even the faintest idea how Jon dumped her in the passenger seat and drove all the way to the heart of the city where Stanford hospital was situated.