Self Deception

She was broken. Her brokenness wasn’t terminal but she assumed the damage to be fatal.  She believed that she had no choice and she confided in the only option available to her: breathing. She gave up on her dreams and began fighting this brutal world for the mere sake of survival. Every day was a struggle and eventually she didn’t care if she won or lost. She was trying her best to figure a way to survive but she didn’t bother living her precious dreams. She didn’t blame anybody but herself because it was her choices that led her to live a life which was apparently just a lie.

There was not much left to her existence. She was a moving pile of bones obliged to put up a show for the world to ensure the spectators that she was not odd – that she was one of them. This was another of her many choices: to shake hands with her demise. It didn’t take her long to skilfully master the art of faking (i.e. living a lie) which was an essential requirement to be accepted in her new world. Her mind was constantly occupied with what people thought of her and she moulded herself into an object of desire. Not too long after, she became oblivious to the distinction between the truth (real) and a lie (fake) and her plan ‘to fool the world and survive’ backfired. She was caught fooling herself.

There was no hope left anymore. Although she was breathing but she had given up on life long time ago. Precisely when did she give up? She didn’t give up when she felt broken but she gave up when she fell victim to the trap of this world. Firstly, when she succumbed to the appalling torture of allowing herself to be judged and secondly when she lived to feed off the need for approval. She was not meant to live a life by merely blindly following the rules written in the book but instead she chose to not use the higher powers of her mind and spirit to evaluate and challenge those rules to better herself and the world.

While she could have been the change, she chose to refuse herself the opportunity of healing this world. She chose to refuse herself the right to dream and live for herself. She chose to give in to social pressure. However, she is not alone. There are many out there like her and these souls don’t even realize when they have stopped living for themselves for they fail to see the strength of their vision and the power in their action.

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Untamable

When you are emotionally exhausted,
When you have nowhere to go,
When you feel let down,
When you feel life is passing you by,
When you think the world is against you,
When you feel like you can’t go on,
Take a step back and turn around,
I will be standing there to hold your hand,
When you are at your lowest point,
I will embrace your flaws and let you be,
Tears will be an unknown mystery for your eyes,
Pain will eventually subside,
Estoy y siempre estaré aquí para ti,
You can always count on me,
But some day if you ever decide to feel my love,
Feel it in the air you breathe,
Let its magic fill your soul with hopes and dreams,
And if you ever decide to keep my love,
Keep it alive forever within your core,
Let it be your addiction to always come back for more,
And if you ever decide to choose my love,
Choose it only if it can be your home,
Let it be your safe haven to escape this world,
For this time if and when we do this,
We do this right from the start,
But this time I’ve got to see us through before we fall apart,
This time I’ve got to tame the beat of your untamable heart.

The Power of Now

There was a lot he could do,
With the time on his hands,
The clock was ticking away,
This life was passing him by,
Day after day and he never asked why,
He sinned every day hoping to be forgotten,
He sinned every day hoping to be forgiven,
He bullied the black girl in the class,
So he could have a good laugh,
He always looked down upon his fellows,
As if they were weak and inferior,
While he thought of himself as invincible and superior,
The allure of power, wealth and reputation enticed him,
So he lied, bribed, cheated and promoted,
The game of corruption he loved playing,
He had been lead to believe,
That the reality of the world was superficial,
No more did he desire the true happiness,
No more did he appreciate the beauty of truth,
Busy accomplishing the life in his hands,
He forgot to understand that death was inevitable,
Peace was nowhere to be found in his heart and soul,
He lost his way to home,
So he spent his life chasing after the desires of the flesh,
He forgot that his spirit also needed to be fed,
The time slipped away,
Each tomorrow was just another passing day,
He managed to accumulate everything to be supposedly wealthy,
But how come he never felt bliss,
“Because you fail to see the power of truth, peace, light and love”,
His inner voice revealed the reason,
He mocked and laughed at its foolishness,
And took pride in his choices,
After few years, when Death stood before him,
It asked him what had he done to better this world,
His mind didn’t know any answers,
So his inner voice spoke yet again,
“He failed to see the power of truth, peace, light and love”,
The riches that have been accumulated over the years,
They couldn’t accompany him in the other world,
And that is when he realized,
He wasted his lifetime chasing after the glitches of this life,
But nothing could be done no more,
He drifted too far from the shore,
And now time has closed its doors.

Hide and Seek

Beauty is not her face,
It is her thoughts,
The pain she hides behind her smile,
The tears she saves for the night,
Strength is not her physical capacity,
It is her willpower,
The battles she survived,
Those choices she made,
Wisdom is not her education,
It is her insight into life,
To allow herself the right to have an opinion,
To have the courage to be herself,
Success is not her wealth,
It is her happiness,
The motivation to achieve her goals,
The confidence to pursue her dreams,
Tears are not her weakness,
They are her language,
Whether sorrow or joy,
She takes refuge in them,
But did you ever see her bruised insides,
When she was hung over a lost lover,
And did you ever see the glow in her eyes,
When she had overcome her fears,
So she has been playing hide and seek,
For quite a while now,
You don’t always see what she feels,
Instead you have been looking at a world,
She created so it doesn’t reveal,
The mask she has been wearing to conceal,
Everything she truly is,
For she is scared that you will judge,
Her scarred soul and her intricate heart,
So don’t hate her,
Just let her be,
And set her free.

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All of you

Your love inspires me to paint all the different shades of my life on the canvas of your heart. I build the castles of my dreams in your arms. I carve my eternity within your existence. I see rainbows shining in your enchanting eyes. I taste hope when I kiss the rhythm off your musical lips. I feed on your laughter to see the dark night transform itself into bright morning light. I savor the passion with which you embrace me in your eloquent poetry. I breathe in your love to experience myself growing inside you. I gather that with your presence in my life, there will be no endings: either second chances or brand new beginnings. You and I are not the work of destiny; we are the power of choice.

I choose to consume you – all of me consuming all of you.

Monster

There lives a monster within me,
He doesn’t know that I can see,
He is ugly and beautiful,
He is foolish and wise,
He is a question and an answer,
He is dark and light,
Sometimes he leaves,
The other times he stays,
He is a truth and a lie,
He is loud and quiet,
He is a fact and fiction,
He is a loser and a winner,
Sometimes he is all the same,
The other times so different,
He is difficult and easy,
He is high and low,
He is safe and dangerous,
He is young and old,
Sometimes he stays calm,
The other times he is excited,
He is emotional and serious,
He is a part and whole,
He is depression and ecstasy,
He is bitter and sweet,
Sometimes he comes first,
Other times the last,
He is hungry for attention,
He yearns to be left alone,
He likes to play hide and seek,
He desires to be loved,
He cannot sleep in the night,
He cannot wake up at eight,
He is hungover a silly lover,
He is a pro at letting go,
He is an encyclopedia with all the answers,
He is an exam which cannot be passed,
He cries when he is happy,
He laughs at his own misery,
He is insecure and an egomaniac,
He is a thought,
He is a choice,
Sometimes he is called soul,
The other times inner-voice,
He is our reflection,
He is you and me.

I wish it was Chocolate Fudge Brownie but why not Cookies and Cream — Sunday is a Funday!

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Am I really Published?

Finally, I am published in ‘The Tab Leicester’!! I have mixed feelings about it but yeah, I think this is just the start of my journey. Thank you to ‘GlobalUnison’ and everyone who follows the blog and read it. You readers have provided me with a great deal of motivation, encouragement and the positive spirit to only look forward and keep writing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You could click on the link below to go to the article and read it. Any kind of feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Choosing to wait is not an embarrassment: I’m a virgin

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Filling In The Spaces -II-

N: How could I love you so much?
A: May be, our love is your ‘destiny’.
N: Do you believe in destiny?
A: Yes, I do.
N: What’s destiny?
A: Destiny describes your destination; however the path you choose (good or bad) to reach that destination is your power of ‘CHOICE’ — in this world, humans call it ‘Freedom of Choice’. Hence, we have to stop blaming destiny for everything because we always have the upper hand.
N: So, love is our destination; however the path we choose to reach the finish line is our choice, then apparently can the chosen path somehow affect the final decision (our destination – our love)?
A: I think, yes and no, but if the final decision (final destination) can be squashed then the concept of ‘Destiny’ will be as well (at least my definition of ‘destiny’).

Beyond Betrayal

I surrender to the voice of your heart;
Hold me tight till death do us part!

I am tired of pretending that everything is fine;
There are deep scars behind this smile of mine.
I am over-thinking and playing with insanity in my head;
I am wide awake but my body is sleeping instead.
“I want to talk it out”, you screamed;
I stayed quiet and guide you through my thoughts as it seemed.
You penetrate through the cells of my mind;
My body’s alert with its defense guarded in case you’re left behind.
As my system senses an intruder within;
It shuts down immediately before it could sin.
I hear your voice echoing in my brain;
As my body experiences shock and strain.
My immune system is ashamed and has no other choice;
My body is already losing its voice.
What about my heart; will it stop beating?
Will you be satisfied now that finally God and I will be meeting?
Now that I know my body betrayed me;
Destined to be dead, destined to be free.

Happy New Year!

So wait… Even before I forget what I am here for, let me say it loud! Happy New Year to my WordPress family. With law school, I feel like my life is in the fifth gear, where everything happens so fast and furious (Rest in Peace, Paul Walker). I can’t believe 2013 is already done and almost half of the month for 2014 gone as well. I wanted to do this post to shed light on what important happened in my life during 2013 despite of the fact that I have my exam tomorrow – I guess I needed a break from those thick books.

2013! I celebrated my last new year’s eve with my family back in my country unlike this year. After few days, I left for England and experienced the worst winters and snow of my life. Thanks to my immune system that I didn’t fall sick. 

I made a precious life-time friend, Syrics (Sisi) but I call her Gugu. She is one in a million. I can not go back and imagine my freshman year without her. She made sense out of my life and together we experienced and learnt a lot of stuff on our way. 

I and my family shifted to a new place back in my home country. My dad was working on that site for around 3 years and now that we have moved in there, I look forward to make as much memories as I can, when I go back during holidays.

I and Syrics no longer study together in the law school, she changed her course to Media Communication and I miss her plenty much during the lectures.

Moving out of student accommodation and living in a private accommodation is an ultimate joy. I feel like I own my place.It comes with more responsibilities but I find myself more independent and confident now. There is a tree outside my house, probably 100 to 150 years old and I call it Jade. We are best friends.

Plants vs Zombies (1 & 2) became my ultimate obsession and I can’t get over it. I am totally in love with my Zen Garden and for PvZ2, I want to hit million dollars and buy all the plants that are unlocked.

I wrote my very first legal assessed essay for Civil Justice System and in the very first shot, I secured Grade 1 that is 72%. Happiness on its peaks.

Tough luck embraced me closer to the end of the year and I had to make some tough decisions. Thank goodness everything ended well. I matured a lot during that period of time, I learn’t how crucial role the word ‘choice’ can play in one’s life.

Highlights of 2013:

Word of the year: Choice.
Strength of the year: Failure.
Color of the year: Purple/White.
Person of the year: Mom.
Love of the year: Dumbo.
Phrase of the year: For you, a thousand times over. – Khaled Hosseini.
Paragraph of the year (from a book): “She said, ‘I’m so afraid.’ And I said, ‘why?,’ and she said, ‘Because I’m so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.’ I asked her why and she said, ‘They only let you be this happy if they’re preparing to take something from you.” – The Kite Runner.
Book of the year: The Lone Wolf.
Song of the year: Shiny Happy People by REM.
Show of the year: Prison break.
Best day of the year: May 1, 2013.
Worse day of the year: October 10 & 11, 2013.
Lesson of the year: Motherhood & Forgiveness.
Blessing of the year: Dumbo.
Support of the year: My siblings!
Traits of the year: Love & Patience.
2013 in one word: Challenging.

Looking Forward…..

For year 2014, I have come up with few resolutions that I have to keep no matter what, at least try..

1) Reduce the consumption of coke.
2) Give a break to PvZ2!
3) Take time out to travel.
4) Whenever going back home, say ‘NO’ to Emirates and try different airlines.
5) Spare my hair some space and grow my bangs.
6) Brush my teeth in night (No excuses – I don’t want all my teeth to fall out at 40).
7) Avoid ignoring messages from people and try attending calls (have to stop running away).
8) Learn to play chess.
9) Forgive & Forget (Forgive part is easy, try to apply the forget part in real life as well).
10) Get closer to Almighty and continue the journey to discover my soul.
11) Eliminate working-at-the-eleventh-hour-rule from my life.