A Blast From The Past (The Taste of Unwanted Emotions)

“You are not perfect but you are what I want.”
I was told by the extra beings and the babbling mouths that not everything which is desired by the heart will become your destiny. I very politely had always begged to differ. Everything that I had ever wanted, I could achieve it be that due to my ‘go get it, girl’ attitude or the audacity (or foolishness as some would like to call it) to take everything that had been thrown my way as a challenge. Hence, I wind down the road with my hands in the air and the flaring fighting spirit planting green flags at various check-posts of my life but here I am now, clueless of the red flag in my hand. I must jab it straight through my heart and this time around, I am scared to death of the nerve-racking trail of reality that may follow. I am a pro at fixating minds and getting what I want but how do I turn a heart around? I can fool the brain but the domain of heart has never belonged to the box of my skill-set. I had always kept a safe distance from emotions and dramas involving the heart but I had no idea I would fall straight on my face with you, putting my heart at stake and my brain on standstill mode. I am a survivor to the bone but you have me doubt my survival instincts.

“You can’t stay, babe but neither can you leave. I wouldn’t be the same man without you.”
It is so convenient for you to bring me to a crossroad and make decisions for us in your favour. Have you ever thought how it feels like to un-want a soul that you had wanted since an eternity? Perhaps, highly unlikely. You have been playing the accusing and blaming game and I have been trying my best to cope with your tantrums but I am as helpless as you are. The other day you bawled your eyes out in my passenger seat and it killed me to watch those tears escape your eyes. However, have you ever thought that I was there to wipe them off your cheeks but who will do that for me when my heart will admit to its loss? How can someone who had come so far with you and believes to have fit you so perfectly, even better than your favourite sweater, would so ridiculously like to push his dream away? How can you not see what I see? The never-ending thunderstorms before the short-lived rainbows. How can you not feel what I feel? That our souls may have found their eternal homes in each other but they don’t belong together. How can you pretend to be ignorant to the hurricane of my emotions? How can you turn a blind eye to the heartache which will leave its trails permanently in the territory of my heart? Why do you ensure that everything is always about you? Perhaps, we would have been too perfect together; our flaws would have blended together only to strengthen our failings to the best of their capacity and we would have given birth to mere perfection. Therefore, pity us, perfection doesn’t exist in this world and so can’t we, babe.

“How did you get so lucky with me – what would you do without me?”
Things have never been simple between us. It was never a straight line or a black and white sheet for us. We accommodated the shades of grey and I am not the person to be acquainted with grey and put my sense of self in jeopardy. However, black and white or grey, the bond we shared was inexplicable and unfathomable in all its glory. It made me curious at times, the mystery behind it all, but then I wondered, nothing about us was clichéd anyway and this in turn, stripped my ego and rebellion bit by bit, ensuring that I made exceptions for you without you even asking for them. I found my soulmate in you and as much as I wanted to deny it for the longest period, deep down I had always believed it. I’d fall and you’d be there to catch me. We had our highs and lows, quarrels and passion, good and bad days, hatred and love, challenges and opportunities and essentially, it was us against the world: being an army of two. One will complete the spaces left by the other and not utter a word like it all came so organically to us. It didn’t take an ounce of effort to withhold the magic. However, now you want to deny us the magic of our might when all along I had believed you to be the kind of magic which had invigorated me to dream beyond infinite possibilities. You want to be a variable to my algebraic equation of life when all this time you had been a constant. This is your battle and as much as I want to hold you down, I can not. As tempting as it may seem to impose myself on you, I ought to allow you the space to set yourself free and tame the imprudence of your wild spirit. Perhaps, you must contribute to your own doom and I should patiently and heart-wrenchingly watch you do it because what I see now, you will only see it a lifetime later. Nevertheless, I know that in time you will see that we were all we ever needed.

“You are a bloody coward. I have never come this close to considering the institution of forever working for me nor have I considered my lifespan being laid out with a man without dreading it.”
Forever is, perhaps, a concept of idealism. If we are not in ourselves ideal for each other, how can an ideal concept in its entirety work for us? Life is brutal and desperate but you haven’t felt any despair, misery and melancholy to such an extent so as to know the savagery and atrocities that this world is capable of inducing on mankind every day. This is merely a matter of heart, babe; people suffer for something as basic as a human right to life. My life has revolved around you as much as yours have revolved around me. If you came close to considering your forever with me after a forever itself, then it will take you another forever to realize that you don’t spend a forever compromising on something that had been ingrained in you or something that defines your individuality. I can’t sacrifice the man I am for the heart that beats in my chest and I most definitely cannot in my right mind ever allow myself to let you be smothered for the heart that beats in my chest. There is a very thin line between courage and foolishness; one can easily be mistaken for the other. My sanity will curb your insanity. My rationality will serve to your irrationality. My balance will counteract your imbalance. My normalcy will protect your rebellion. What is coward for you is my attempt to save you.

“If I were you, I would never let me go.”
I am a difficult person but not a bad person. I am stubborn but not manipulative; egotistic but not selfish. I may be complex but not twisted; may be cold-blooded but not ruthless; may be bold but not reckless. I am not everything good but I am certainly not everything bad. Since, there is no way I can have your name written in the will of my destiny, I will live with it seared on my heart.

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Now or Never!

The time marked her flaws,
The scars marked her strengths,
She had crawled all the way up,
The walls nobody could climb,
They were painted the darkest shades of cold gray,
And while she had tried to run away from her demons,
She fell prey to the light from deep within her soul,
It was a slow motion embrace,
Watching the dark of the cold night fade into the bright crimson morning,
It felt like eternity embracing infinity,
It required no beginning nor ending,
This was her moment to escape from the thought of tomorrow,
Slow dancing with the present and her dreams followed,
This was her reminder to never stop climbing,
She was stronger than ever, it was now or never.

Affliction

Fill and consume, flutter and fly,
Hold your breath for you know it’s a goodbye;
Live and love, cut and heal,
The heart doesn’t know what it feels;
Forget and forgive, thrash and thrive,
Fulfill these dreams now that I feel alive;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
Ingrained in me is the pride and ego you loathe and self-doubt,
I am coming down like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Fuse and form, flow and feel,
Blend in the darkness for light is your deal;
Dos and don’ts, watch and listen,
Let the power of love in your eyes glisten;
Pray and plead, flip and turn,
Fairy tales and happy endings are not what I yearn;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
Ingrained in me is the beauty which is never going to burn out,
I am coming down like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Burns and bruises, plays and charades,
My fading youth as the time tears me apart;
Foolish and brave, fumes and faith,
The flash of your memory reduced to a wraith;
Blues and whites, loss and gain,
The sky above my head is pouring blood in vain;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
The thousands of kisses I stole from your mouth,
Beware for I shall come like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Self Deception

She was broken. Her brokenness wasn’t terminal but she assumed the damage to be fatal.  She believed that she had no choice and she confided in the only option available to her: breathing. She gave up on her dreams and began fighting this brutal world for the mere sake of survival. Every day was a struggle and eventually she didn’t care if she won or lost. She was trying her best to figure a way to survive but she didn’t bother living her precious dreams. She didn’t blame anybody but herself because it was her choices that led her to live a life which was apparently just a lie.

There was not much left to her existence. She was a moving pile of bones obliged to put up a show for the world to ensure the spectators that she was not odd – that she was one of them. This was another of her many choices: to shake hands with her demise. It didn’t take her long to skilfully master the art of faking (i.e. living a lie) which was an essential requirement to be accepted in her new world. Her mind was constantly occupied with what people thought of her and she moulded herself into an object of desire. Not too long after, she became oblivious to the distinction between the truth (real) and a lie (fake) and her plan ‘to fool the world and survive’ backfired. She was caught fooling herself.

There was no hope left anymore. Although she was breathing but she had given up on life long time ago. Precisely when did she give up? She didn’t give up when she felt broken but she gave up when she fell victim to the trap of this world. Firstly, when she succumbed to the appalling torture of allowing herself to be judged and secondly when she lived to feed off the need for approval. She was not meant to live a life by merely blindly following the rules written in the book but instead she chose to not use the higher powers of her mind and spirit to evaluate and challenge those rules to better herself and the world.

While she could have been the change, she chose to refuse herself the opportunity of healing this world. She chose to refuse herself the right to dream and live for herself. She chose to give in to social pressure. However, she is not alone. There are many out there like her and these souls don’t even realize when they have stopped living for themselves for they fail to see the strength of their vision and the power in their action.

SD


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TA..TA Exams (See You Next Year)

I didn't arrange them for the picture -- I am actually that organized *Patting-on-my-back*

I didn’t arrange them for the picture — I am actually that organized *Patting-on-my-shoulder*

Phew! Exams are over and so am I done living a nightmare. There are loads and bulks of things I have cramped in my head for the past month from provisions of legislation to the annoying case-law and trust me when I say I don’t remember slightest bit of anything and yes, I claim that shamelessly. This educational system is flawed (at least in my opinion): what is the point of memorizing when in reality; I would have books to assist me for relevant case-law and legislation in a law-firm. Okay, I am done complaining for now.

I can’t imagine that I am almost done with my higher education. It seems like just yesterday when I came to this foreign land for pursuing my dreams and here I am, this place have been my home for three straight years. This means I am ageing – oh well, how I wish I could go back to being a carefree child but anyway, I will let time work its magic on me.

And sometimes all you need are calories to cheer you up!

And sometimes all you need are calories to cheer up.

My last exam was on Saturday (May 30, 2015) and I celebrated my freedom with a choco-nilla delight because I was allowed as many calories as I wanted that day. I have been waiting for these exams to end for an eternity and now that they are over, I am too exhausted to do anything. I think sleeping counts as a chore too so I have been catching up on that for the last two days.

I know I have been missing out on reading all the good stuff by you lovely people but I am back in action so I will be getting back to reading and responding to every one of you real soon.

This post is a shout out to all the brave souls who have survived the exams hurricane. All the very best for the results and Happy Holidays!!

Sleep deprived nights have me looking like this.

Sleep deprived nights have me looking like a disaster. Law-school for sure can give you a serious makeover.


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The World of Labels

After a sickening eternity, rainbows lingered in her eyes. The violet emerged ever so charismatically in her cold grey eyes when she imagined a life beyond her cottage in the woods. The fireworks lightened her dark lonely heart with sparks of bright hope and vibrant dreams when she realized that she could finally fly in the indigo sky. She was unhappy to leave her nest and folks behind but at the same time exhilarated to step out of the shadows to embrace a new beginning. She was tempted by the world of unknowns and danger. Little did she know, life outside her cottage was a vicious trap but she wouldn’t understand unless she became a victim of its sweet pain.

The reality of her existence boomed with the blues of Sea-Holly as she was warmly welcomed by the place she had only dared to explore in her dreams. The buildings stood taller than the pine trees that surrounded her cottage in the woods. She noticed that the sun shone differently in this so-called flawless world as if it vacillated whether to share its precious light with the gloomy creatures. The stars didn’t sparkle with their usual pearly white light at night and she was taken aback by the unusual differences she had observed in such a short time span. Wasn’t Nature supposed to be same all across the planet? Pushing her thoughts aside, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to absorb all she could of her enthralling yet mysterious green surroundings.

Days passed by and her pale yellow aura projected that she was utterly excited and hopeful for the future since she had recently embarked on a spiritual journey. Although in reality, the palpable excitement she had once felt about her life had been diminishing slightly. It was not that she wanted to return to her nest but this thriving world didn’t appeal to her as much as before. As she began pondering over the matter, the stunning orange sky took over her senses. She gave up in the arms of an enchanting evening hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

Time taught her well. The land of her dreams was painted with red. They loved each other and fought with the same people they cared for. They plucked the blooming flowers and stole the delight of Nature to decorate their houses but at the same time preached to be environmental friendly. They complained about the cold weather in winters and about the heat in summers. They were capable of differentiating between right and wrong yet chose to favor and support the corrupt. They killed to enforce peace. They had labelled everything from the color of their skin to the blood in their veins. They treated their fellow beings differently based on their gender, profession, religion and race. They bullied the weak and hated to be reminded that they were in the same shoes not too long ago. They lived in the world of gadgets where they text-messaged often and rarely spoke. They shared everything on the social media in the name of ‘sharing is caring’ but in reality, the idea of sharing was almost unknown to them. They were never contented and always yearned for more. These creatures were not only different from her folks in the woods but also were complex. Their actions often contradicted their words as their minds did their hearts.

The rainbows in her eyes faded as this multicolored world of labels stomped over her dreams and awoke her to a harsh reality. The truth was bitter but the lies she had been living for the past few months had been sweet. How she wished to rewind time and be unknown to all the mysteries which had been unraveled. How she wished to be a child again.

Wait; was she one of them already?

Life -I-


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Hide and Seek

Beauty is not her face,
It is her thoughts,
The pain she hides behind her smile,
The tears she saves for the night,
Strength is not her physical capacity,
It is her willpower,
The battles she survived,
Those choices she made,
Wisdom is not her education,
It is her insight into life,
To allow herself the right to have an opinion,
To have the courage to be herself,
Success is not her wealth,
It is her happiness,
The motivation to achieve her goals,
The confidence to pursue her dreams,
Tears are not her weakness,
They are her language,
Whether sorrow or joy,
She takes refuge in them,
But did you ever see her bruised insides,
When she was hung over a lost lover,
And did you ever see the glow in her eyes,
When she had overcome her fears,
So she has been playing hide and seek,
For quite a while now,
You don’t always see what she feels,
Instead you have been looking at a world,
She created so it doesn’t reveal,
The mask she has been wearing to conceal,
Everything she truly is,
For she is scared that you will judge,
Her scarred soul and her intricate heart,
So don’t hate her,
Just let her be,
And set her free.

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A Love Trap

The rotten scent of your broken promises,
Lingered on my skin,
Smothered my soul,
Brutally marked me inch by inch,
With the thousand lies,
That stemmed from one another,
Truth was a pungent poison,
Love was a panel of misty dreams,
You had lit an inextinguishable fire within me,
To drown out the voice of my mind,
You fearlessly knocked at the door of my heart,
Failed to realize that love was a perilous art,
You laid out an ingenious plan,
Every move brought you only closer,
To reach the shore — the beginning of our dead-end,
A moment you had waited an eternity for,
Oblivious to the love that could have been your abode,
You cherished the lust cradling your soul,
Only to destroy one thing I loved the most,
Ever since my heart had found its way to you,
It ached me to love you more than myself,
But don’t you dare question it my ruthless lover,
Love within me can burn for a lifetime,
I can learn to build the world of my dreams again,
Pain can leave me scars over the years,
The suffering and sacrifices can never go in vain,
These scars are the badges I wear,
So proudly for conquering my fears,
As a proof that I have survived,
That I am breathing and healing,
Most of all that I have made it out alive,
I might never learn to love myself like before,
‘Cause I chose to love a man made only for war.

Free Falling

You continue to drag me down,
This path of deceit and lies,
You continue to hold me down,
Dominating my thoughts with your shuttered eyes,
You continue to hurt me,
Compelling me to live in the glory of our past,
You continue to surprise me,
The audacity to say ‘I love you’ when you couldn’t make it last,
So I’m free falling,
We can create our own destiny,
We can have a life in the garden of our dreams
You and I can be the perfect team,
So just take a chance,
Free fall along with me,
Breathe in the freedom of a fearless glance,
An escape to our paradise for an eternal romance.

Diary of Nobody -VI-

Goodbyes and I get along very well — to an extent that I believe we are synonymous.

Once you told me: “Their loss if they don’t want to do anything with you. You are one of your very own kind — I don’t expect them to understand you.”

Now that you’ve said your last good-bye, what should I believe? That it’s your loss? That you didn’t understand me either? I don’t think so.

I was always a “misfit”. The society didn’t accept me for who I was. They wanted to mould me into somebody they would be pleased to interact with. I was not convinced to give myself up and I became a rebel. Being rebellious taught me a life-long lesson that I love to preach now: question everything (even an answer). It taught me the difference between right and wrong (something people don’t seem to understand for they are so busy blindly following the so-called ‘world trend’). They complained that I looked at things differently. They tried to silence me by bullying me. God knows how they felt about their failure after failure for I came stronger every time they made an aggressive move against me. They wanted to get rid of me and I made it my mission to ensure that they should never achieve their goal.

However, then you came along. Apparently, I was told that you liked me for me. You liked me for having a “voice” this world desperately needed. You liked me for having “questions” to challenge life on every step of my journey. You liked me for having an “aura” that was ever too visible. You liked me for having a compassionate “soul” that instantly connected with you. You liked me for my “smile” which in your opinion was evergreen. You always told me what you liked about me but how come you never stated one darn thing that led you to eventually dislike me? Was my “voice” too ground-breaking for you? Were my “questions” unanswerable and frustrating? Did my “aura” became invisible with time? Did my soul connected too much with you? How did my “evergreen smile” faded like an autumn breeze?

You had your mind and heart set on me and all you wanted was for me to make you the center of my world sooner or later. Why did you have to leave when all you ever wanted was in the palm of your hand? Or is it that I was always the “unwanted”?

I am bound to stitch,
The wounds we gave birth to,
I am bound to revive,
The dreams we shattered,
I am bound to adore,
The memories we shared together,
I am bound to live you,
For the rest of my life.