Diary of Nobody -IV-

I have been dead busy for the past few days but there has not been a single day when you haven’t crossed my mind. I have had tutorials for every day of the past week which means a lot of reading for a law student like me. However, you distracted me a lot (I think it needs to be re-phrased)—our memories distracted me a lot. Our pictures together were even worse of a distraction. Every single time, I fell for the trap and ended up watching us in the ‘photo gallery’ of my phone. I know I should delete them already but I am not going to (not ever). I think it’s pretty clear that I am drunk on you and I rather have it that way – I don’t want to move on (oh yes, I said it!). We were so happy that it’s difficult to believe that it’s all over now. Are you ever coming back? (I’m waiting, okay babe?)

Can I tell you something? I really love you a lot – I have grown into loving you so very much that I don’t know how to not feel it anymore. I don’t know how to go back and just put a ‘full-stop’ to my feelings that I have been feeling for the past four years. It can’t be done over-night so it might be easy for you to tell me to ‘Get Over It’ but it is an absolute nightmare for me in reality. Do you even know how much it takes to get used to the idea of not having somebody you love around once you’ve already had the taste of their enchanting presence? Do you know how hollow I feel every morning when there is nobody to tease me and tell me that I am not a morning person? Do you realize that I am battling with myself every single day because I expect you to return? (Denial, yes it is! What else do you expect of me after an unexpected break-up?)

I can spare you my life; I know it’s a risk but a risk worth-taking – for our happiness. Let me be selfish for a split second: I will risk anything to achieve my happiness which belongs with you. Now that I have already been selfish, let me also be brutally honest for a split second: I experienced happiness in an unusual but possibly the best way when I was capable of living my life with you. You are great and exquisite but there is something about great things: they never come easy. May be, that’s why I have to keep ‘Trying’.

Trying to love you less,
Trying to fight this stress,
Trying to not miss your caress,
But I am high on the thought of you,
I try but my pain only knows to grow,
I shall trust time like I trusted you,
To be rewarded with broken promises,
And the dreams that would never come true.

I can try to love you less but there are no guarantees that I will succeed. Don’t blame me if I disappoint you — I apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause you.

I want you. Since you have left, the heartache has embraced me very willingly. Despite of the pain I have experienced after my so-called emotional meltdown, my heart still longs for you. May be it’s crazy and stupid and wild but I can’t help it if it wants you. My heart is strong enough to compromise with sorrow and grief at the moment but it’s not in the position to let go of my happiness residing in you.

Be Yourself!

Being Yourself is the best thing you can give to this world!

This life is playing with me, doesn’t it play with everybody? However, what is the gist for grief and joy to be a part of my life when I now wish that it should be neutrality to embrace me. My heart is fragile; it weeps when I am miserable and it doesn’t know how to confine the sorrow. It laughs when I am ecstatic not knowing how to cater for my bliss. Why is it that I am never contented? Is it just me or that’s normal for Earthlings?

I want a life where I can choose the outcome of my activities. I want to be a judge of my very own actions. Am I asking too much? Is it too much to ask for people to mind their own business and let me mind my own? Is it too much to ask of people to not watch me in a bizarre manner if my arms are linked with my best friend’s and my hair are dyed pink. I do not care what they think about me but when the ‘staring business’ happens frequently, it makes me curious of what beauty is confined in me that people are attracted to give more than a glimpse to an ordinary girl like me.

My mother once told me that I have to be ‘Myself’ no matter what other people think of me. Now, that I haven’t seen my mother in past six years; I wonder if her advice would be the same. Should I continue to be myself or should I start paying heed to the cold stares and judgmental looks around me? My mother watches down on me every night from the Heaven. I hope I make her proud.

I am fifteen years old. My life is shaking and I have passed the point of knowing what right to do in which right place in when right time. Regardless, I have learnt something: I am in a better condition than many people in this world. I have clothes to wear, food to eat and clean water to drink unlike people living in less privileged areas like parts of Africa. I will always complain about something not being right or as per my wish because that’s the part of my human nature but I can take the time to be grateful to Almighty for all that I have.

Before it’s too late, we have to stop this Human Hypocrisy. The truth is you may not be perfect but you are yourself. Be thankful for what you have and who you are.
Learn and Survive – life is all about learning and surviving.

You are mine!

Your presence may be a dream,
But I hear someone scream,
Is it you or my pulse swaying with a soft breeze?
Is it the distance or my insecurities pulling up as I seize?
I’ll give up in your arms,
I’ll let you chase me in the farms,
Your touch soothes my soul,
My heart bears a dark hole,
The more I lie, the darker the hole gets,
The more you sigh, the harder it is, I bet,
You told me, you wont ever let me go,
I paused and let the silence embrace us in snow,
You told me you were my guardian angel,
I smiled and caressed your lips with my fingers feverishly,
You held my finger and brushed it gently,
We listened to each other’s racing heartbeat intently,
The grip around my waist became firm,
“You are mine forever”, you reaffirmed,
Your lips were parched but the craving in your eyes,
You held my face and kissed me twice,
I hassled but you smiled in disguise,
I dug my face in your chest and hid the lies,
I couldn’t split my heart open,
I couldn’t grief your love,
I decided to bury the truth within my heart,
Where death is a reality but love is an …….
ART!

Random Scribbles

When I turned to you for the very last time,
You babbled and complained about my uncertain crimes.
You let go of my hand cause it was no more a prime,
You kissed her as if that’s how our story was supposed to rhyme.
I secured my heart with grief and tossed a dime,
Cause’ there was much more to our short climb.

———————————————————————-

Fridays are back again,
Cozy bed and no worries to go out in rain,
Loneliness ensures the revival of pain,
Pity me, I let the sunlight be my date on the window pane!

———————————————————————-

Tell them, I was not being biased,
I was just preparing to score the highest.
If you have ever seen the dark truth behind my bright eyes,
Only then can you see the beauty in disguise.

———————————————————————-

I miss those mischievous winks,
Those excuses of how it were your efforts to think.
I am thinking of you despite of the alcoholic drinks,
I am love in with you forever and always – the reality can’t sink.

———————————————————————-

For a moment, my heart stopped beating,
Going back to the time when we were cheating.
Cheating each other to conceal the reality,
But was it too easy to escape the morality?
Life introduced us to different phases,
However,you mastered to resist me but I failed to fill in the spaces.

———————————————————————-

You told me you will return,
I stood by the window since you left,
My belly churns and the anxiety yearns,
For your one glimpse which will be an attempted theft.
Thus, embrace me in your arms – don’t ever let me go,
We will be one and the world will see us glow.
It may be a ray of hope, a secret wish or a way to fool myself,
I pick flowers for your grave everyday but decorate them on my shelf.

Layman as a Philosopher!

There lives a philosopher in every being on this planet but it merely depends on your skills to scratch the surface of your heart to mingle with the brain nerves in order to attain that very stern expression on your face with millions of lines across your jawbones, forehead, cheekbones presenting you like a true Zombie; hence before you ever think of evolving yourself into a philosopher from inside, you need a complete MAKEOVER!!

 

The very renown scientists and Philosophers.

On the serious note, I usually wonder how numerous scientists have evolved themselves into philosophers in the later stages of their life when they were done with their part in the world of science. Not only scientists hit this very complicated list of wise men but lovers when get hysterical about their love-life and entwining emotions  evolve into philosophers too. Authors, poets, actors, writers and etc are running at the same pace to bind with a fore mentioned people; hence one who is legendary can continue to bang on with his reputation by giving space to the concealed philosopher buried somewhere deep down within his framed personality. Albert Einstein and Newton did a great job in influencing world partly as philosophers too.

 

The turning edge to the context is that layman is not far behind in this race of “WHO WILL BE AN ULTIMATE PHILOSPHER?” They have a panel of experiences to enrich their soul with the nourishment required to reciprocate the experiences into words that helps them to achieve admiration and honor within a matter of few seconds with the exposure to cyber world and numerous social circles throughout the internet web.

 

Let’s do an exercise. Ignore the literal meaning of “PHILOSOPHY” itself and don’t ask yourself WHAT IS PHILOSOPHY? instead ask yourself WHAT STRATEGY COMPOSES A PHILOSPHER IN EVERY HUMAN BEING? I want to make a mental note over here that we are not talking about Philosophy as a subject but as the rare side of human where he develops the instincts to draw a margin between his interests and responsibilities; hence the composure of a personality to understand and interpret the mechanism of life is the captivating chronicle of concealed philosopher in every human being.

 

Life is all about ups and downs; LEARN from it

Happiness and sorrow have an equal contribution in our life-time. Thus, neither a person can whine for the life span shedding tears and mourning over the account of his misfortune nor can he bloom like a flower for an eternity cradling bliss in his arms like his personal possession. Hence, life is a blend of colors where the darker tones demonstrates grief and sorrow and the brighter tones signifies happiness and delight. This JUST systematic approach of Almighty can be justified by an example involving Mother Nature.  I interpret day as the time when Nature initiates its journey seeking the highest point – the maximum level that is achieved (everyday) by illuminating the world partly (while rest of the world is immersed in darkness). When the maximum level is achieved, the Nature begins its journey to seek the lowest point – the minimum level when it can hide its one fire ball behind horizon and let the other white ball illuminate the sky with the acquaintanceship of sparkling stars. There is a theory behind it; if one tends to comprehend it. Almighty exhibits a rule of REALITY everyday that is Success(bliss) and Downfall(sorrow) are coherent. If success is your destiny today then expect the downfall as your next pre-destined step; hence nobody can claim their life to be “PERFECT”.

 

Life is challenging but NEVER GIVE UP

Happiness makes a man proud of his gestures and actions therefore when hardships hit his shore and thrashes him with the surprise of an examination from Almighty, the same bigheaded man regrets and complains for he never expects the era of happiness wounded by the incoming of his spiritual examination. The patient beings on this planet who centrally believe in HOPE always have a way out – the hope is another terminology for “PHILOSOPHY”. When a man encourages himself under the flag of HOPE mingling his wisdom with the temperament to counter the challenges and examine his will-power, self-determination and spiritual strength, it is the very exact time when he gives birth to the philosopher in himself. The wide range of experiences flavored with his innovations to bear with the given examination is a challenge in itself and his efforts to clear the examination magnificently helps him with his spiritual growth. When he shares the profound meaning of LIFE accompanied by the voice of his SOUL – the thoughts are transformed into a “LAYMAN’S PHILOSOPHY”.

18 Days Ago…..

Background: This is dedicated to my dearest buddy and uncle namely PG! He has always been a great teacher to me and his experiences have always been a ROLLER COASTER RIDE to guide me through different courses of life. His advices turn out to be SUNSHINE in the dark exigent world of grief, sorrow and chaos. His amiable ways enchant me under his spell and he has an ever lasting impression in just one glance that leaves me wondering if it was him on which this phrase came into existence that “FIRST IMRESSSION IS THE LAST IMPRESSION”! I miss you and I love you!! Hope you come back soon with more of your fascinating and motivating experiences in order for me to progress in every phase of my life!

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.

Once upon a time………

Like every other story, it’s also a “ONCE UPON A TIME” story. My life was driving smoothly to its destination but the smooth and straight paths never preach us the sole reason of our survival so a turning edge changes the present and leave you with a lesson for future.

This incident is very close to my heart and its not that ancient for which I have to use “ONCE UPON A TIME” but its due to my belief that when despair, pain and suffering turn their back to us, we have to await their return for an EXPERIENCE RIDE once again, and in this case the only way we can expect it again, is to forget the previous wounds and let others leave their scars.

The 18 days were agonizing as the river changed its course surging my fate and turning me in to all over a new leaf. The sun of 7th February was not the golden globe with its endless shimmering beams, but a dark sky where stars were scarcely visible. I could foresee the day when in the later afternoon, I was manacled and my possessions were confiscated. This overcast, doubtlessly, astounded me but as I was certain of my actions and accomplishments, and the fact that I was an immigrant there, made me swallow the occasion pretty well down my esophagus.They started their investigation according to their rules and regulations but I was least concerned of their attempts because I had my lucky charm “RUDRAKSHA” with me. Perhaps, this lucky charm was evenly an excuse to gratify my pulse but the sole reason why my breaths were still steady, my heart wasn’t racing and the depression, anxiety, despair and misery maintained the equal distance, was the faith in MYSELF which lead to more firm faith in GOD!

In these 18 days of investigation, they kept me in their custody. I had to bypass different kind of people, situations and circumstances. Everything was challenging and demanding but I let the things to create their own way without indulging myself in any of the complications and to my surprise, my strategy worked! If ever I used to feel forlorn and solitude encircled me, the presence of God enlightened my soul and I abandoned the heart ache, letting my body rest in the lap of joy, bliss and ecstasy. The days passed by with the slower pace than usual, strengthening my belief in myself and God’s munificence and benevolence.

Finally, I was out in the vivid dazzling afternoon of 24th February where sun glistened over my head, flashing the yellow light all over my body, decontaminating my soul and I felt like an infant! Breathing in fresh air, wandering on streets and the vibrant freedom flooded my body with glee and joy, and the patience with which I worked was proved a milestone.

The hardships in these 18 days are nevertheless of no good to mention here, because bad time can never be shared, it can only be experienced but the reason why I wrote this is, to covey a simple yet pivotal lesson that I learned in this short span of time that, anything can be achieved if we have faith in ourselves and trust in God, for whatever He is doing is for our benefit and to improve our lifestyle. He is Almighty and knows us better than anyone, because He is our Creator. Patience plays a great role in evading the hardships and misery, happiness can follow us anywhere if we allow it to chase us.  

“Failures and breakdowns preach us the path to success and the huddles in between, so called EXPERIENCES; motivate us to chase our goal to live in ecstasy, if not forever, then for the time being.”