Mind Traveling

 

Sometimes I feel I can time travel, or perhaps mind travel.

When I am standing in the shower, my body soaked in filth and wrath whilst my mind begins transitioning into a distant reality; I am unable to open my eyes.

I don’t know how to acknowledge my present: the monster which haunts me only in the dark. Its roars send ripples down my spine paving a path for doubts and fears which are almost unknown to me. My body is as shook as my soul, if not more. I have abused my flesh and tortured my physical existence in the past so as to be able to stop submitting to the emptiness inside my heart but now that my body and soul deteriorates at the same pace; how do I stop myself from hurting; bruising; scarring?
How do I stop a beating heart from decaying?

My eyes are still shut tight. No movement. The water is beginning to feel heavy on the bruises. Let me stay here for a little while longer. I wince. I smile. I submit to the incapability of being able to differentiate between the physical turmoil and emotional pain.
It will all go away’; the self-consolation takes over the lingering self-pity.

There are flashes, some vivid and some not so vivid. I was 8 just yesterday when both mum and dad used to clasp my hands so tight whilst crossing the road as if I’d slip through from between their fingers. I was 16 just yesterday and my dad didn’t believe that I needed to learn to tie my shoelaces with him around. I was 20 just yesterday when mom would stay awake late at night in a different time zone, waiting for me to return home.

Am I still soaked in wrath or is it guilt now? 

How can I take my raison d’être, who do everything in their power to protect me, for granted? The opportunities are washing off at my shore. The ticking clock only makes the stakes higher. I doubt my ability to make good decisions: for now, any decisions at all. How very convenient to excuse myself from a life brimming with why-nots instead of what-ifs. Checkmate.

My eyes are dry, and my heart is numb. I blink. My emotions are running high and my mind is playing games. I blink again adjusting to the yellow light in the bathroom. I bury my face in my wet palms and then gradually start moving my hands all the way to the back of my head until my arms are resting against my body. At this point, I need to insert a hypothetical full stop to my stubborn thoughts before I can shut the water off in the shower. This is how it ends, every single time. I silently moan as the present pulls and tugs at my flesh and bones.

I am alive on the outside, but I wonder if even an ounce of life is left in the smallest fragment of my existence.

Mother and Father even today protect me the same in whatever way they can, oblivious to my concurrent reality. Who is to tell them that it has been a while since the responsibility has been shifted and to tell the truth, I have done quite a shit job at it.

 

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Rising into a Fall

I sat here in the middle of nowhere, my feet jammed on the brake pedal, willing to let go off it any second to put my throbbing heart to rest. This cliff, which watches over 5000 feet of uncertainty can revaluate the certainty of the script of my fate and it wouldn’t hurt an inch of my being. I’d delve into the realm of dust and bask in the glory of nothingness and my so called free spirit shall really be set free. It often baffles me that we are led to blindly believe in the flair of every course of action being pre-destined while we fail to realize that it is in reality our choice which instructs the course of destiny. Destiny is merely a concept which unwinds the complexity of life for the very simplistic beings. However, the complexities cannot be negated by believing in something which is an open-ended aspect of controversy and have no reference to the context.

The reservoir of their time together flashed in front of her eyes like a kaleidoscope of memories and she knew that it was sufficient for her to take her final breaths with a smile – the cobblestone streets, their first kiss in the middle of the lush fields in Scotland, the scent of his musk overwhelming her senses, the adrenaline associated with his thoughts and emotions, the light reflected in his ocean blue eyes capable of illuminating the darkest of the imaginative fears and that crackling laughter to always take her breath away. Her eyes are tightly shut and jaws ferociously clenched with her arms pressed against the steering of her very first Porsche. It could not have been more perfect to let go of her only true belonging on her own terms surrounded by commodities which meant the most to her entirety. This car she sat in was the product of the proceedings left of her savings account she mounted while working as a bartender during her time at the university. The cliff was where Aaron, her high school sweetheart broke up with her, leading her to Frasier. Despite of all the heartache and trivialness attached with the unexpected breakup with Aaron, she knew it would have been impossible for her to call it quits if Aaron wouldn’t have been brave enough to address the concerns in their relationship, hence risking the existence of Frasier in her life. Frasier was her favourite memory of all, and the only risk ‘she ran by choosing her own terms and conditions was cracking his heart open. Perhaps, she was hopeful that he of all people would understand given he was the only person who understood her insides as if he co-existed within her.

I think Mother will be very unhappy with this choice in particular. My brain tells me that it may take Mother a lifetime to absolve my actions of sins she thinks only exist because of her faith in religious beliefs. It astounds me how she fails to understand that the Divine Force, commonly known as God if It even exists, and is the Provider for all of us then all It would wish for us is to choose happiness and therefore, my happiness is in letting go of the threads that deeply connect me with the circle of life. Father will be disappointed in me and I will no more be his champ. Finally, Uriel can seek the validation from Father that he believed was merely impossible because I stood as a rock-hard obstruction in his way. Father will appreciate for the very first time that Uriel didn’t turn out like me despite of him consistently breathing down Uriel’s neck to follow in my footsteps. I reckon all I will ever want to tell Father, if I ever could, is that I’d have a lifetime wasted if I choose to just suffocate my existence in the air which reeks of violence, hypocrisy and judgmental beliefs tainting the individuality, which is my human body over a vessel for something extremely sensitive and substantial: my soul. I believe it will pain my soul the most if Father even for a second will doubt his position of letting me be a free bird. If my decision to choose an eternity sooner than later will tarnish his belief that he should have listened to Mother and will admittedly give into her “I said so”, then every tear that moistens his cheek will be a stab tearing away at the base of my soul. These concerns have me second doubt my choices; if what I believe happens to dissect the core of not only the most important beings to me but also my soul even if it were to exist in its most natural state.

The most common of misconceptions to be construed with respect to her choice would be labelling her, some of which will stand out for self-explanatory reasons; the most pivotal one being selfish. A broken smile hatched at the curve of her mouth as she wondered if they really understood what it meant to be self-centred. Perhaps, they knew nothing about the philosophy of life, whose esse are in opposition to the biology of life; the latter of which they understand but the former of which their functional brains will find difficult to perceive. However, if she really believed in the surrender or abandonment as the ultimate salvation, she wouldn’t have waited all these years living on the edge given she was merely eight when it was past her head that the world will never be able to crack the intricacies of a human brain which for her was an utmost pleasure. It was her refuge from the brutality of humanity. She felt a stab of excitement and a pang of guilt concurrently.

“Follow your heart, Nora. It will lead you to your dreams. Trust your intuition, it facilitates self-discovery and inspires positive change. Be yourself; choose each day as an opportunity to better yourself and don’t forget to love yourself, love”, her father’s voice echoed in her head as tears rolled down her cheeks. The man did an exceptional job with her, preaching to her that being a misfit was as typical as the ways of a traditionalist. He was a protective father, like any other father, however he wouldn’t do injustice to the extraordinary his daughter brought to the world which filled him with sheer delight and pride. She pressed her propped arms against the steering wheel blaring the horns of the car to silence the doubts; she was struggling with the pendulum that swung at a pace faster than her heartbeat between her choice and their voices.

I have never seen Mother and Father have a similar opinion on a human before but Frasier was an exception. He won their hearts in their very first meeting with him. He was an absolute charmer. He helped Mother bake banana bread and blueberry muffins after lunch and set the table at the patio for the evening tea. He went to play golf with Father after the tea and returned swamped in advice on ways to improve his game. Father and Mother loved him so much in the matter of just an evening that Father had the hotel he was staying at cancel his stay with them and he ended up crashing in the guest room in our basement. What was there not to love about him?

When the home had snoozed that night, the night-owls they happened to be, they tip-toed their way into the patio to gaze at the starry sky. Frasier slipped his arm around her waist, gently pulling her closer and brushed the corner of her bottom lip with his thumb. He motioned for them to lay flat on their backs on the grass, his hand still clasping her waist ever so lightly. She inched closer and rested her head against his chest and the sound of his heartbeat felt like the wind chimes over the ripple of the ocean breeze calling her home. The silence in the air was golden. After a couple of minutes, he rolled over to lay on his belly slipping her head in the palm of his hand and the other arm snugged around her. He smiled his mischievous smile and the look in his eyes said it all. He moved closer and it felt like that the starlight had dimmed just for their moment. He pressed his lips against hers for not more than a few seconds when she managed to rid herself from his hold and dashed to the main entrance of the house. He chased after her and they crashed in the guestroom for the longest time, watching Netflix and sipping on the bottle of bubbly he got her parents just a day before. She brushed his knuckles while his fingers were laced with hers and he didn’t realize when he dozed off with his head perched on her shoulder. She pecked on his cheek, pulled the covers over him, tucked him in bed and sneaked out of the guest room, making the least amount of sound and motion. She laid in her bed wide awake staring at the blank canvas of her room ceiling, thinking to herself that what was it that she did to be fortunate enough to deserve someone like Frasier in her life, given humans usually weren’t her cup of tea. The thought of his chivalry put an insomniac to sleep that night and the very same thought shall today set the spirit of a wild caged soul free.

I don’t feel the need to leave a few words that perhaps will lurk in the lives of my people, serving as an excruciating reminder and the queer feelings that will be associated with it will only serve to defeat the purpose of slipping away as invisibly as possible in the realms of eternity. It will merely create a ripple effect of affliction, impacting the hearts I cherish the most to ache in grief of something symbolic of a celebratory cause. I believe my silence can speak volumes while my words may only serve to resurrect the essence of my being. This may commonly be misunderstood as selfish but I am rooting for the greater good here. However, sometimes, just sometimes silence is just as misinterpreted as words and I fear being misunderstood for making a bold choice yet again.

She wasn’t one of those who left their business half-done. She always has to have the last word.

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Author’s Note: With two very renowned names committing suicide this month, I felt it was very important for me to publish this piece of prose I have written a while ago. The background of this prose is a conversation I landed in with a bunch of peers  at a lunch a couple of months ago regarding what motivates suicide and how it is rightly ‘illegal’ on a social as well as religious account. It broke my heart that day to witness how ignorant we are even as an educated lot to not be able to acknowledge that each human mind paints and processes the taste of pain and this world uniquely and we cannot assemble any generalization when it comes to a human brain and heart. It failed me to know that they think that suicide is selfish and an attention seeking stunt; I was appalled by the audacity with which my peers so conveniently declared that suicide is usually an accident and a person never intends to take away their life but it is just a cry for help. It may be true in some cases but like I said before, we should refrain from making generalizations about such a serious issue and acknowledge that each human brain may have gone through ultimately a lot to even consider it to be a cry for help. 

It is my humble request to play your part in embracing and spreading this message that mental health is as important, if not more, as your physical health. I have worked with groups promoting mental health awareness and believe you me when I say that we all have heard and read sufficient life stories to gather something as simple as this: life is often unpredictable and pain seldom times unbearable. At the end of the day, we are only human. 

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Princess of Darkness

Stargazing, soul-searching and traveling,
Hammocks, polaroids and galaxies,
Experiences emanating magic and madness,
Losing track of time and reality,
Her new-found wings defying the laws of gravity,
While all along she had been surrendering to her mind,
The calls of her heart rings stranger chords,
New tattoos, gypsy guitars and intoxicated winds,
And her dreams pulling their own swords,
Battling the world with her poetic pen,
She fiercely coloured her own rewards,
Insanity raised peace but normality doubts,
Her demons imparted strength but angles chaos,
She was a dance of fire and ice,
Embracing the cold and craving the burns,
Oblivious to the fundamentals of life, she failed to see the joy in pain,
She had to rejoice the fallings of autumn to cherish the buzz of spring,
While she believed her days to be moonlit and nights starless,
She was rescued from the emptiness into wilderness,
In the superficiality of this passing world,
The angels of wisdom scarred her innocence,
The brutal sword of time portrayed her Satanic Highness,
Crush her bones but dare not crumble her spirit,
On the path to enlightenment, she was a princess of darkness,
Beyond the stars, even her shadows were skilfully guarded,
The dark within her soul burnt the colours of gold,
So if her magic, madness and wisdom be mistaken for darkness,
She hoped to never find light again.

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Within you is the light of a thousand suns.


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Diary of Nobody -XIV-

“Sup”, they ask.

You must be aware that youth nowadays like to shorten everything for the sake of some apparent swag or for some ridiculous cool-effect. I struggle to be a part of this age where appearances need to be dope and emotions stand no hope — where the soul is ruthlessly starved to feed the goddamn ego.

Is there any way we can return to our childhood? I don’t want to fit in this world without you. It might seem like an absurd thought at the very first instance but I feel like I have lost the soul I thought I could rock and jam with. My soul hasn’t been fed for a while and the sense of emotional numbness invades my sanity. Netflix keeps me company now, sometimes it is family but where exactly are you? Weren’t you supposed to be my guardian angel and protect me from the forces of evil? I was told love has no boundaries only to realize for myself that love is all about boundaries.

I am healing. I am trying. I am coping. I am surviving. I think, reviving too.

“Its difficult but not impossible.”, your voice echoes in my head and drives me insane. How do I tell you that impossibility is just a word for you while I have to live through the reality of circumstantial intricacy? I am disgusted with myself for not being able to find peace and solace within myself and for unknowingly creating a bubble-world around you. Why do I have to die a little every single day because you have ceased to be a part of my constantly-recurring struggle for existence?

I hurt every day but I cannot bring myself to the point of loathing you. I try to strike a conversation with you but I don’t know what else could I ask you except of your well-being and the gossip about weather since I have noticed that you are fond of posting pictures of snow, rain, spring, fall and what-not-weather-related on your social media. I try to converse heart-to-heart with you but you’ve given up. You had given up a long time ago since I was the reason for your frustrations, troubles and bruises. I disappointed you once and in turn you never trusted me with anything again, not even with a candid conversation. I wish you could see how I wait desperately for the times you would be around. However, I can never catch your eye like others do. Perhaps, you have stopped responding to any gestures which may indicate very subtly that I need you. One moment, I want to let you in and expose all my vulnerabilities and the other moment, I stop dead in my tracks for I fear that I will smash the wall which stands tall between us necessary for our survival and to maintain our individuality. I fear that I will burst your bubble with my unfortunate reality. The underlying fear of letting you down (yet again) and losing whatever little we have dictates my life at the very moment because seeing you torn apart is the last of the last things I could imagine indulging myself in.

So, I reside in silence while thunder roars within me. I hibernate to be able to hide my scars as best as I can. My world exists in a shell purposely so you can cherish life the way you do and make every second of it divine. I see you being yourself with others and exuberating just the right amount of confidence and charisma, and I am at peace. While you are doing just fine and dealt courageously with the unimaginable aftermath of our adversities; I, on the other hand, am still living through it.

You know what? You might think that after all this time, I should knock it off already and just be like you. But, you simply can’t see that normal has never been my forte, and it never will be.

Masterpiece

You were broken when you bumped into me,
With a heart so shattered it needed to heal,
As I breathe life into your soul trying to fix you,
I got diagnosed with love showing symptoms of you,
You preyed on the essence of my soul,
And fed on it to build yourself a world of eternal bliss,
I was left with nothing but emptiness,
It seemed like an abyss of darkness,
Where even light was shadowed with intense blackness,
My senses numbed and my mind so calm,
My heart in pain and my soul so damned,
I remember our first fight,­­­­
And the unforgivable and unforgettable first night,
I remember our first kiss,
And the mornings when I felt fragile, broken and pissed,
I remember the sound of your heartbeat,
And the warmth of your skin when it collided with mine,
So if I told you that you had me only for today,
Then would that be any reason to make you want to stay?
To not hurt me with those lies that make me feel unwanted,
Or will you still be vain and take me for granted?

You told me beautiful lies,
And you didn’t admit to your own disguise,
It’s like you were camouflaged by the truths of life,
I went through hell just to keep us grounded,
Those fears and insecurities weren’t entirely unfounded,
Since I am programmed to survive I let you go,
To push me in the arms of my own doom,
But now that you are gone and I am all alone,
My heart’s beating but I am alive no more,
My mind’s numb but still leads me to you heart,
My soul’s so weary but keeps me from falling apart,
The days have been tough and the nights so rough,
And when it comes to you, I am never good enough,
You were mine just yesterday,
And now you are gone because you just couldn’t see,
A love like ours is a masterpiece,
So while you drift away to free your soul,
I lay captivated within your sorrows and flaws,
So if I told you that you had me only for today,
Then would that be any reason to make you want to stay?
To not hurt me with those lies that make me feel unwanted,
Or will you still be vain and take me for granted?

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Sometimes..

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words,
Sometimes tears stain the stronger than the weak,
Sometimes the stars sparkle brighter than the sun,
Sometimes distance unites than divide,
Sometimes the lies are simpler than the truth,
Sometimes grief is much more contagious than a smile,
Sometimes living in the present is more difficult than planning a tomorrow,
Sometimes survival is much less destructive than surrender,
Sometimes just sometimes,
Love does not cause sorrow,
Hope is not a delight,
Pain is not a curse,
Time is not cruel,
Failure is not trying,
Happiness is not fatal,
Sometimes just sometimes,
One moment can last a forever.


Note: I am off for a vacation and I am not sure if I will have access to internet but I will try to catch up on your lovely blogs whenever I can. I don’t promise anything but I will try my best to write and share the little moments I enjoyed best during my trip. Love to you all. Until next time, live, love, Inspire & (don’t forget to) smile. Believe in yourself and you can conquer all your fears. Laters. 

Pariah

I am sick of all your lies,
I can’t ever see through your disguise,
But I try so hard to find the truth in your eyes,
That I am broken and bruised on the inside,
You say you are sorry,
And I tell you that it will be alright,
So we get back to living the good old days,
Until a fight break out,
And you want to leave again,
For you love playing this game,
‘Cause you know my love for you won’t change,
You say that you will leave this time for the good,
And I beg you to stay one last time if you could,
‘Cause I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you,
So you are the predator and my heart is your prey,
You are like a con-man who doesn’t need to stay,
And I beg you to give us one last chance,
You push me away so you could have it your way,
Keeping your heart cold, you fail to see,
I am fragile but it wont stop you from breaking me,
All along, I had mistaken you for the cure to my pain,
I was such a fool in love,
That I didn’t know you were just the same,
There were no exceptions to the rules of your game,
I was just another name you wanted to claim,
And it’s all my fault and I am to be blamed,
I should have never trusted you with my heart,
‘Cause now I just can’t let you go,
Yes, I just can’t stay apart,
But who knew I was doomed right from the start,
All I know now is that I am the pariah,
I belong nowhere and to no one.


I have not been active on WordPress lately because I have been super-busy. I will get back to reading and writing soon. Thank you for the patience and love. 

Affliction

Fill and consume, flutter and fly,
Hold your breath for you know it’s a goodbye;
Live and love, cut and heal,
The heart doesn’t know what it feels;
Forget and forgive, thrash and thrive,
Fulfill these dreams now that I feel alive;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
Ingrained in me is the pride and ego you loathe and self-doubt,
I am coming down like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Fuse and form, flow and feel,
Blend in the darkness for light is your deal;
Dos and don’ts, watch and listen,
Let the power of love in your eyes glisten;
Pray and plead, flip and turn,
Fairy tales and happy endings are not what I yearn;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
Ingrained in me is the beauty which is never going to burn out,
I am coming down like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Burns and bruises, plays and charades,
My fading youth as the time tears me apart;
Foolish and brave, fumes and faith,
The flash of your memory reduced to a wraith;
Blues and whites, loss and gain,
The sky above my head is pouring blood in vain;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
The thousands of kisses I stole from your mouth,
Beware for I shall come like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Virus

So what did I do?
And what was that I knew?
Did you think I was a virus that only grew?
Or was it that my heart had nothing for you?
For what I did and what was done,
For what I knew and what was known,
For what I saw and what was seen,
For what I heard and what was to be heard,
Things turned upside down and the pain was new,
Love became my foe and I was a stranger to you,
Helpless soul and my blurred view,
Lousy memories and the haziness in my thoughts grew,
Fueled up brain but I couldn’t feed my heart,
Love abandoned me and it no more was my mastered art,
Fulfilled with this heart break, I never yearned for a new start,
Beauty in my existence faded and it was all about your poisoned dart,
You killed me with love and the pieces scattered everywhere,
You envied the texture of my smile and the glow in my eyes pierced you,
My insides were bruised and there was nothing I could do,
Following the light, I forgot that I was struggling with the dark all through,
So what did I do?
And what was that I knew?
Did you think I was a virus that only grew?
Or was it that my heart had nothing for you?

Superman

He lay there,
With his arms wrapped around her,
Breathing in the scent of her soul,
Calming the raging storms that shook her insides,
Which was sometimes beyond his control,
The disappointments and the regrets,
That had taken their toll over her,
He hushed them one after the other,
While he squeezed her in his arms,
As though to drain out her aching sorrow,
She was scared of failure,
But there was nothing to fear,
When he was there by her side,
Trying his best to absorb all her pain and tears,
Which she couldn’t run away from or hide,
Whether it was a dream or reality,
He was her peace, madness and sanity,
And she knew he would be the one,
To put together the missing pieces of her life,
So as to heal her brokenness and fill the voids,
Whether it was a dream or reality,
She would never stop being his kryptonite,
And he would do all that he could,
To rescue her with or without a plan,
Because he was her Superman,
One who might not know how to fly,
But could put her to sleep every night,
Ensuring her that tomorrow would be alright,
Even after all the years that passed them by,
He never stopped being the Superman he was,
She never stopped being his kryptonite,
And that was how they survived,
Travelling beyond the speed of light,
To defeat the darkness around them.