Just because there wasn’t a forever with you – I feel there can never be one.
While our song plays on the radio tonight, I slip in and out of reality making emptiness and nothingness my peers along the way. I am numb to the emotions of life for now. Lately, I have been thinking about you a lot more than usual and it’s intriguing and confusing at the same time. Why can’t you just leave me alone?
I went for a stroll this morning. There were barely any cars out on the road at that hour and the sun was beginning to rise. I liked the city better at this time when it was quiet and peaceful. I inhaled the beauty of the serenity surrounding me and it was in a long while that I didn’t need music to accompany me. Usually, I disconnect myself to drown out the voice of the world with a pair of headphones and my music playlist but today I was trying my best to connect with the same world. I was cherishing the birds singing their songs in the distance. I hummed along with them but the morning was not the same after you had crossed my mind. Suddenly, I was taken back in time
(just like that). I wanted to tuck my hand in the pocket of your coat so our fingers could be entwined while we walked.
I was wandering in the valley of our memories, far from reality. She held my hand and brought me back to face the real world. I looked down at this little four-year-old girl pulling down on my sweater’s sleeve. Your name escaped my lips and you were not a secret anymore. I didn’t realize that I had been crying until she pointed it out and demanded a reason for my tears. I panicked and ignored her question and became anxious if she had been out at this hour all by herself. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard her call out ‘Daddy, Look I am here’ to a man standing not more than ten steps away with his back facing us looking around for her.
I smiled at her and assured her I was fine. She couldn’t help being the usual quick-witted kid and bombarded me with detective questions like what had I been doing there; if I had been out with my father as well; why would I cry in the middle of the street; if I was scared when she held my hand and who is ‘your name’. I was astonished when she mentioned you not because she heard your name and remembered it but because she considered you an important question-mark-to-be-answered to reveal my mysterious story.
I knelt down so that I was face to face with her. I held both her hands in my hands and told her that I didn’t have answers to her questions but I had something that she would like. I fished through the pockets of my sweater to find this toy I have had from few days ago when I went to McDonald’s. The happiness spread across her face and I witnessed a sunrise right then and there. Her father called out her name again and she responded back with ‘I am coming’.
Before I realized, she hugged me tightly. I knew this was a goodbye hug. Overtime, I have become an expert in knowing how these hugs feel.
“I really like you. Will you like to be my friend? I don’t have many friends”, she whispered in my ear while hugging me.
Before I could respond, she continued: “I can be better than ‘your name’ and then you wouldn’t miss him.”
The tears rolled down my cheeks again and I whispered back that I would love to be her friend. She kissed me on my cheek and ran in the direction of her father.
The man politely smiled at me while she climbed on the shoulders of her father and waved me goodbye with a smile that will stay with me for the rest of my years.
I made my way back to the apartment while I mourned over this short-lived friendship. For the first time since I have known you, I realized I had confided in somebody other than you.