For a second, I thought I lost you. Your fingers let go of my hand and your pulse plays hide and seek with me. Your eyes are shut and your face is calm as if angels have already arrived. Suddenly, I hear you mumbling..
‘Mitsy, please don’t leave me‘.
I don’t know what to do, I feel powerless, as if I am shackled in chains of self destruction. How can I let you go when you have asked me not to?
‘Darling, I am right here’, I whispered.
You hold my hand as tightly as you can but I feel nothing. Your eyes are teary but you wouldn’t say a word. Of course, you and your feminine strength! But I know, beneath this Iron Lady of mine, there is my little chunky bear who is crying and hurting and I cannot do anything about it.
‘You ate anything?’, you struggled to speak.
‘Shush, don’t you speak! You worry too much’, I smiled.
I vowed to you on our wedding day that I will be there by your side forever and will catch every one of your teardrop before it lands on your cheek. Now for the first time I have failed to fulfil my vow. As I see a teardrop moistening your cheek, I scoop it gently with my finger before it dissolves in your skin. I feel like a criminal in my own body. You are not supposed to break like this. One after the other, each day is draining you out and as much as I want to take you away from all this, I cannot. It’s difficult to believe that humans like us can become this vulnerable and incapable that we have to give up to nobody but ourselves – our very own body.
I feel sick to my stomach watching these doctors fiddle with your body like a mechanic would with an automobile. I am watching you while these doctors are trying to understand your body. Your body is complex and functions differently than mine. It is attacked by those microscopic things called germs. As a child, I always thought of these germs as a creation of the imagination of Science. Perhaps, now I stand corrected. Doctors tell me that the germs attacking you are not ordinary germs we might be affected by if we don’t take care of our hygiene. Instead they are pretty dangerous; deadly enough to change the will of your body. Now, as your body and germs fight as one, so must our spirits in this battle for life.
While these doctors are trying to do their job, you are peaceful like angels have taken you away from me. For a second I think I have lost you all over again but it’s the story of my life. Your disease is draining the life out of your system and watching you come and go is draining mine.