Princess of Darkness

Stargazing, soul-searching and traveling,
Hammocks, polaroids and galaxies,
Experiences emanating magic and madness,
Losing track of time and reality,
Her new-found wings defying the laws of gravity,
While all along she had been surrendering to her mind,
The calls of her heart rings stranger chords,
New tattoos, gypsy guitars and intoxicated winds,
And her dreams pulling their own swords,
Battling the world with her poetic pen,
She fiercely coloured her own rewards,
Insanity raised peace but normality doubts,
Her demons imparted strength but angles chaos,
She was a dance of fire and ice,
Embracing the cold and craving the burns,
Oblivious to the fundamentals of life, she failed to see the joy in pain,
She had to rejoice the fallings of autumn to cherish the buzz of spring,
While she believed her days to be moonlit and nights starless,
She was rescued from the emptiness into wilderness,
In the superficiality of this passing world,
The angels of wisdom scarred her innocence,
The brutal sword of time portrayed her Satanic Highness,
Crush her bones but dare not crumble her spirit,
On the path to enlightenment, she was a princess of darkness,
Beyond the stars, even her shadows were skilfully guarded,
The dark within her soul burnt the colours of gold,
So if her magic, madness and wisdom be mistaken for darkness,
She hoped to never find light again.

Within you is the light of a thousand suns.

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Masterpiece

You were broken when you bumped into me,
With a heart so shattered it needed to heal,
As I breathe life into your soul trying to fix you,
I got diagnosed with love showing symptoms of you,
You preyed on the essence of my soul,
And fed on it to build yourself a world of eternal bliss,
I was left with nothing but emptiness,
It seemed like an abyss of darkness,
Where even light was shadowed with intense blackness,
My senses numbed and my mind so calm,
My heart in pain and my soul so damned,
I remember our first fight,­­­­
And the unforgivable and unforgettable first night,
I remember our first kiss,
And the mornings when I felt fragile, broken and pissed,
I remember the sound of your heartbeat,
And the warmth of your skin when it collided with mine,
So if I told you that you had me only for today,
Then would that be any reason to make you want to stay?
To not hurt me with those lies that make me feel unwanted,
Or will you still be vain and take me for granted?

You told me beautiful lies,
And you didn’t admit to your own disguise,
It’s like you were camouflaged by the truths of life,
I went through hell just to keep us grounded,
Those fears and insecurities weren’t entirely unfounded,
Since I am programmed to survive I let you go,
To push me in the arms of my own doom,
But now that you are gone and I am all alone,
My heart’s beating but I am alive no more,
My mind’s numb but still leads me to you heart,
My soul’s so weary but keeps me from falling apart,
The days have been tough and the nights so rough,
And when it comes to you, I am never good enough,
You were mine just yesterday,
And now you are gone because you just couldn’t see,
A love like ours is a masterpiece,
So while you drift away to free your soul,
I lay captivated within your sorrows and flaws,
So if I told you that you had me only for today,
Then would that be any reason to make you want to stay?
To not hurt me with those lies that make me feel unwanted,
Or will you still be vain and take me for granted?

Self Deception

She was broken. Her brokenness wasn’t terminal but she assumed the damage to be fatal.  She believed that she had no choice and she confided in the only option available to her: breathing. She gave up on her dreams and began fighting this brutal world for the mere sake of survival. Every day was a struggle and eventually she didn’t care if she won or lost. She was trying her best to figure a way to survive but she didn’t bother living her precious dreams. She didn’t blame anybody but herself because it was her choices that led her to live a life which was apparently just a lie.

There was not much left to her existence. She was a moving pile of bones obliged to put up a show for the world to ensure the spectators that she was not odd – that she was one of them. This was another of her many choices: to shake hands with her demise. It didn’t take her long to skilfully master the art of faking (i.e. living a lie) which was an essential requirement to be accepted in her new world. Her mind was constantly occupied with what people thought of her and she moulded herself into an object of desire. Not too long after, she became oblivious to the distinction between the truth (real) and a lie (fake) and her plan ‘to fool the world and survive’ backfired. She was caught fooling herself.

There was no hope left anymore. Although she was breathing but she had given up on life long time ago. Precisely when did she give up? She didn’t give up when she felt broken but she gave up when she fell victim to the trap of this world. Firstly, when she succumbed to the appalling torture of allowing herself to be judged and secondly when she lived to feed off the need for approval. She was not meant to live a life by merely blindly following the rules written in the book but instead she chose to not use the higher powers of her mind and spirit to evaluate and challenge those rules to better herself and the world.

While she could have been the change, she chose to refuse herself the opportunity of healing this world. She chose to refuse herself the right to dream and live for herself. She chose to give in to social pressure. However, she is not alone. There are many out there like her and these souls don’t even realize when they have stopped living for themselves for they fail to see the strength of their vision and the power in their action.

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The Power of Now

There was a lot he could do,
With the time on his hands,
The clock was ticking away,
This life was passing him by,
Day after day and he never asked why,
He sinned every day hoping to be forgotten,
He sinned every day hoping to be forgiven,
He bullied the black girl in the class,
So he could have a good laugh,
He always looked down upon his fellows,
As if they were weak and inferior,
While he thought of himself as invincible and superior,
The allure of power, wealth and reputation enticed him,
So he lied, bribed, cheated and promoted,
The game of corruption he loved playing,
He had been lead to believe,
That the reality of the world was superficial,
No more did he desire the true happiness,
No more did he appreciate the beauty of truth,
Busy accomplishing the life in his hands,
He forgot to understand that death was inevitable,
Peace was nowhere to be found in his heart and soul,
He lost his way to home,
So he spent his life chasing after the desires of the flesh,
He forgot that his spirit also needed to be fed,
The time slipped away,
Each tomorrow was just another passing day,
He managed to accumulate everything to be supposedly wealthy,
But how come he never felt bliss,
“Because you fail to see the power of truth, peace, light and love”,
His inner voice revealed the reason,
He mocked and laughed at its foolishness,
And took pride in his choices,
After few years, when Death stood before him,
It asked him what had he done to better this world,
His mind didn’t know any answers,
So his inner voice spoke yet again,
“He failed to see the power of truth, peace, light and love”,
The riches that have been accumulated over the years,
They couldn’t accompany him in the other world,
And that is when he realized,
He wasted his lifetime chasing after the glitches of this life,
But nothing could be done no more,
He drifted too far from the shore,
And now time has closed its doors.

Don’t Stop Believing

When you think the whole world has turned against you,
Take a step back and don’t stop believing,
Let them say what they think is true,
Imagine the unimaginable and don’t stop breathing,
For there are mysteries waiting to be unravelled,
Make the impossible possible and don’t stop dreaming,
Life will knock you down every now and then,
It is okay to make mistakes,
Failure is the only way to ensure,
That you learn and succeed,
So that indescribable feeling you feel,
When madness embraces you,
To breathe magic into emptiness,
With which you can conquer anything,
Walking on the path towards your destination,
And every time you stumble and fall,
You know you can rise like a phoenix from the ashes,
‘Cause that is how it is supposed to be,
So when you think the whole world has turned against you,
Take a step back and don’t stop believing,
Believe in the miracles and believe in yourself,
Believe that your dreams are worth living,
So while you stand at the edge of the earth waiting to jump,
Your dreams somehow keep you from falling,
Now that you have lived the dark and experienced the light,
Don’t give it all up because you’re tired of trying,
Remember, it’s always worth a try,
Remember, you don’t need wings to fly.

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Behind the Disguise

Can you slip under my skin?
Pretend to be me for a day,
To see this brutal world passing by,
Living through yet another nightmare,
Don’t you stop, you will make it out alive,
To feel the wrath in my pain,
Crawling through the ice in your veins,
Don’t you worry, my love will keep you warm,
To taste the agony in my bittersweet tears,
Dripping through your fiery eyes,
Don’t you forget, you’re wearing a disguise,
To smell the pungent vengeance in my blood,
Pumping violently through your fierce heart,
Don’t you quit, it’s just the beginning of falling apart,
To hear the noise of silence in my mind,
Embracing your demons through the night,
Don’t you fear, wait for the morning sun to shine bright,
So if you live each day like it is your last,
Aching in love and numbing the pain,
Will you dare to be me again?

Magic of Love

He comes closer,
Gently embracing her with the melody,
Of his soft soothing voice and the words,
That paint her the most exquisite pictures,
Tempting her to stay a little longer,
Every time she is about to leave,
So she savours the pleasure of his company,
Absorbing the beauty of their moment,
For this is the only place,
Where she is not afraid to fall,
‘Cause she believes in him,
Far more than she had ever believed in herself,
He relishes her silence and the smiles,
Her deep throaty laugh fills his mind,
Resonating from time to time to uplift and inspire him,
So he can scribble his heart away,
The simplicity of her soul and the patience of her heart,
Rejuvenate him in the times of strife,
For the rest of the world,
She is an unknown,
And he is content,
For he wants her for himself alone,
They fuse together so magnificently,
Like hydrogen unites with oxygen,
To give birth to water,
Together they blend into each other,
To give life to perfection,
And they would never know,
It’s not science but the magic of love,
Which is undeniably simple and stable.

She is the wonder woman who have me believing (up until now) that love is magical by loving me unconditionally ❤

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Diary of Nobody -XI-

Just because there wasn’t a forever with you – I feel there can never be one.

While our song plays on the radio tonight, I slip in and out of reality making emptiness and nothingness my peers along the way. I am numb to the emotions of life for now. Lately, I have been thinking about you a lot more than usual and it’s intriguing and confusing at the same time. Why can’t you just leave me alone?

I went for a stroll this morning. There were barely any cars out on the road at that hour and the sun was beginning to rise. I liked the city better at this time when it was quiet and peaceful. I inhaled the beauty of the serenity surrounding me and it was in a long while that I didn’t need music to accompany me. Usually, I disconnect myself to drown out the voice of the world with a pair of headphones and my music playlist but today I was trying my best to connect with the same world. I was cherishing the birds singing their songs in the distance. I hummed along with them but the morning was not the same after you had crossed my mind. Suddenly, I was taken back in time (just like that). I wanted to tuck my hand in the pocket of your coat so our fingers could be entwined while we walked.

I was wandering in the valley of our memories, far from reality. She held my hand and brought me back to face the real world. I looked down at this little four-year-old girl pulling down on my sweater’s sleeve. Your name escaped my lips and you were not a secret anymore. I didn’t realize that I had been crying until she pointed it out and demanded a reason for my tears. I panicked and ignored her question and became anxious if she had been out at this hour all by herself.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard her call out ‘Daddy, Look I am here’ to a man standing not more than ten steps away with his back facing us looking around for her.

I smiled at her and assured her I was fine. She couldn’t help being the usual quick-witted kid and bombarded me with detective questions like what had I been doing there; if I had been out with my father as well; why would I cry in the middle of the street; if I was scared when she held my hand and who is ‘your name’. I was astonished when she mentioned you not because she heard your name and remembered it but because she considered you an important question-mark-to-be-answered to reveal my mysterious story.

I knelt down so that I was face to face with her. I held both her hands in my hands and told her that I didn’t have answers to her questions but I had something that she would like. I fished through the pockets of my sweater to find this toy I have had from few days ago when I went to McDonald’s. The happiness spread across her face and I witnessed a sunrise right then and there. Her father called out her name again and she responded back with ‘I am coming’.

Before I realized, she hugged me tightly. I knew this was a goodbye hug. Overtime, I have become an expert in knowing how these hugs feel.

“I really like you. Will you like to be my friend? I don’t have many friends”, she whispered in my ear while hugging me.

Before I could respond, she continued: “I can be better than ‘your name’ and then you wouldn’t miss him.”

The tears rolled down my cheeks again and I whispered back that I would love to be her friend. She kissed me on my cheek and ran in the direction of her father.

The man politely smiled at me while she climbed on the shoulders of her father and waved me goodbye with a smile that will stay with me for the rest of my years.

I made my way back to the apartment while I mourned over this short-lived friendship. For the first time since I have known you, I realized I had confided in somebody other than you.

Drowning

When I saw you,
All I saw was guilt,
My past and all the mistakes,
Regrets and doubts that lay awake,
You are drowning,
The weight of lies on your shoulders,
Forbidding you to float,
For you have erred countless times,
Now is when you admit to your crimes,
You are drowning,
In the depth of the ocean,
You are on your own,
In the darkness of isolation,
Finding your way back,
To the world of devastation,
Your humble abode and where you belong,
You are drowning,
You are inhaling water,
You watch death approaching you,
Your thoughts seem to scatter,
You are screaming but your voice so muffled,
You want help but your spirit so unruffled,
You are drowning,
Your eyes began to close,
Your body began to froze,
The little I know about how it goes,
The window of hope barely visible,
The noise of silence only grows,
You are drowning,
With a fear of no tomorrow to be seen,
With a fear of turning off your life machine,
Dreading that there might be no light at the end of the tunnel,
Dreading that there might be no peace but only uninvited trouble,
You are drowning,
So will you ask for a second chance?
Will you ever want to live again?
Will you want to give in to this world’s trance?
Will you want for yourself the pleasure of pain?
You are drowning,
Don’t be scared of death for it’s merely a trailer,
Life has been killing you bit by bit every single day,
Don’t be scared of the ultimate failure,
There are times when it is inevitable to escape.

Diary of Nobody -VI-

Goodbyes and I get along very well — to an extent that I believe we are synonymous.

Once you told me: “Their loss if they don’t want to do anything with you. You are one of your very own kind — I don’t expect them to understand you.”

Now that you’ve said your last good-bye, what should I believe? That it’s your loss? That you didn’t understand me either? I don’t think so.

I was always a “misfit”. The society didn’t accept me for who I was. They wanted to mould me into somebody they would be pleased to interact with. I was not convinced to give myself up and I became a rebel. Being rebellious taught me a life-long lesson that I love to preach now: question everything (even an answer). It taught me the difference between right and wrong (something people don’t seem to understand for they are so busy blindly following the so-called ‘world trend’). They complained that I looked at things differently. They tried to silence me by bullying me. God knows how they felt about their failure after failure for I came stronger every time they made an aggressive move against me. They wanted to get rid of me and I made it my mission to ensure that they should never achieve their goal.

However, then you came along. Apparently, I was told that you liked me for me. You liked me for having a “voice” this world desperately needed. You liked me for having “questions” to challenge life on every step of my journey. You liked me for having an “aura” that was ever too visible. You liked me for having a compassionate “soul” that instantly connected with you. You liked me for my “smile” which in your opinion was evergreen. You always told me what you liked about me but how come you never stated one darn thing that led you to eventually dislike me? Was my “voice” too ground-breaking for you? Were my “questions” unanswerable and frustrating? Did my “aura” became invisible with time? Did my soul connected too much with you? How did my “evergreen smile” faded like an autumn breeze?

You had your mind and heart set on me and all you wanted was for me to make you the center of my world sooner or later. Why did you have to leave when all you ever wanted was in the palm of your hand? Or is it that I was always the “unwanted”?

I am bound to stitch,
The wounds we gave birth to,
I am bound to revive,
The dreams we shattered,
I am bound to adore,
The memories we shared together,
I am bound to live you,
For the rest of my life.