Mind Traveling

 

Sometimes I feel I can time travel, or perhaps mind travel.

When I am standing in the shower, my body soaked in filth and wrath whilst my mind begins transitioning into a distant reality; I am unable to open my eyes.

I don’t know how to acknowledge my present: the monster which haunts me only in the dark. Its roars send ripples down my spine paving a path for doubts and fears which are almost unknown to me. My body is as shook as my soul, if not more. I have abused my flesh and tortured my physical existence in the past so as to be able to stop submitting to the emptiness inside my heart but now that my body and soul deteriorates at the same pace; how do I stop myself from hurting; bruising; scarring?
How do I stop a beating heart from decaying?

My eyes are still shut tight. No movement. The water is beginning to feel heavy on the bruises. Let me stay here for a little while longer. I wince. I smile. I submit to the incapability of being able to differentiate between the physical turmoil and emotional pain.
‘It will all go away’; the self-consolation takes over the lingering self-pity.

There are flashes, some vivid and some not so vivid. I was 8 just yesterday when both mum and dad used to clasp my hands so tight whilst crossing the road as if I’d slip through from between their fingers. I was 16 just yesterday and my dad didn’t believe that I needed to learn to tie my shoelaces with him around. I was 20 just yesterday when mom would stay awake late at night in a different time zone, waiting for me to return home.

Am I still soaked in wrath or is it guilt now? 

How can I take my raison d’être, who do everything in their power to protect me, for granted? The opportunities are washing off at my shore. The ticking clock only makes the stakes higher. I doubt my ability to make good decisions: for now, any decisions at all. How very convenient to excuse myself from a life brimming with why-nots instead of what-ifs. Checkmate.

My eyes are dry, and my heart is numb. I blink. My emotions are running high and my mind is playing games. I blink again adjusting to the yellow light in the bathroom. I bury my face in my wet palms and then gradually start moving my hands all the way to the back of my head until my arms are resting against my body. At this point, I need to insert a hypothetical full stop to my stubborn thoughts before I can shut the water off in the shower. This is how it ends, every single time. I silently moan as the present pulls and tugs at my flesh and bones.

I am alive on the outside, but I wonder if even an ounce of life is left in the smallest fragment of my existence.

Mother and Father even today protect me the same in whatever way they can, oblivious to my concurrent reality. Who is to tell them that it has been a while since the responsibility has been shifted and to tell the truth, I have done quite a shit job at it.

 

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Autumn and Spring

She paused. He resumed. She was speechless. He offered explanations. She expected the best. He prepared for the worst. She was ignorant. He reciprocated kindness. She was the aura of Autumn. He believed her to be the glory of Spring. In this delusional world of calamity and hypocrisy, she knew he’d bow down to her altar every single day with faith in his heart, desire in his soul, light in his eyes and a prayer on his lips. She knew him to be an absolute non-believer before he began worshipping her inevitably invincible flaws. While he was merely a sculpture made from clay and sent to Earth, it was her that breathed life into his soulless existence. She was his religion, his temple and the dawn of hope serving as an anchor for his bruised soul drenched in sin and sorrow.

She thought to herself if the Lord would detest her for letting His creation believe in the apparent mightiness of another flawed being. However, her demons roared louder than the voice of her conscience, “Didn’t the Lord Himself proclaim that those who worship others do so albeit in an improper way?”

He had unknowingly found the will of his heart while she had found yet another prey.

The taste of love, I tell you, is lethal.

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A Blast From The Past (The Taste of Unwanted Emotions)

“You are not perfect but you are what I want.”
I was told by the extra beings and the babbling mouths that not everything which is desired by the heart will become your destiny. I very politely had always begged to differ. Everything that I had ever wanted, I could achieve it be that due to my ‘go get it, girl’ attitude or the audacity (or foolishness as some would like to call it) to take everything that had been thrown my way as a challenge. Hence, I wind down the road with my hands in the air and the flaring fighting spirit planting green flags at various check-posts of my life but here I am now, clueless of the red flag in my hand. I must jab it straight through my heart and this time around, I am scared to death of the nerve-racking trail of reality that may follow. I am a pro at fixating minds and getting what I want but how do I turn a heart around? I can fool the brain but the domain of heart has never belonged to the box of my skill-set. I had always kept a safe distance from emotions and dramas involving the heart but I had no idea I would fall straight on my face with you, putting my heart at stake and my brain on standstill mode. I am a survivor to the bone but you have me doubt my survival instincts.

“You can’t stay, babe but neither can you leave. I wouldn’t be the same man without you.”

It is so convenient for you to bring me to a crossroad and make decisions for us in your favour. Have you ever thought how it feels like to un-want a soul that you had wanted since an eternity? Perhaps, highly unlikely. You have been playing the accusing and blaming game and I have been trying my best to cope with your tantrums but I am as helpless as you are. The other day you bawled your eyes out in my passenger seat and it killed me to watch those tears escape your eyes. However, have you ever thought that I was there to wipe them off your cheeks but who will do that for me when my heart will admit to its loss? How can someone who had come so far with you and believes to have fit you so perfectly, even better than your favourite sweater, would so ridiculously like to push his dream away? How can you not see what I see? The never-ending thunderstorms before the short-lived rainbows. How can you not feel what I feel? That our souls may have found their eternal homes in each other but they don’t belong together. How can you pretend to be ignorant to the hurricane of my emotions? How can you turn a blind eye to the heartache which will leave its trails permanently in the territory of my heart? Why do you ensure that everything is always about you? Perhaps, we would have been too perfect together; our flaws would have blended together only to strengthen our failings to the best of their capacity and we would have given birth to mere perfection. Therefore, pity us, perfection doesn’t exist in this world and so can’t we, babe.

“How did you get so lucky with me – what would you do without me?”

Things have never been simple between us. It was never a straight line or a black and white sheet for us. We accommodated the shades of grey and I am not the person to be acquainted with grey and put my sense of self in jeopardy. However, black and white or grey, the bond we shared was inexplicable and unfathomable in all its glory. It made me curious at times, the mystery behind it all, but then I wondered, nothing about us was clichéd anyway and this in turn, stripped my ego and rebellion bit by bit, ensuring that I made exceptions for you without you even asking for them. I found my soulmate in you and as much as I wanted to deny it for the longest period, deep down I had always believed it. I’d fall and you’d be there to catch me. We had our highs and lows, quarrels and passion, good and bad days, hatred and love, challenges and opportunities and essentially, it was us against the world: being an army of two. One will complete the spaces left by the other and not utter a word like it all came so organically to us. It didn’t take an ounce of effort to withhold the magic. However, now you want to deny us the magic of our might when all along I had believed you to be the kind of magic which had invigorated me to dream beyond infinite possibilities. You want to be a variable to my algebraic equation of life when all this time you had been a constant. This is your battle and as much as I want to hold you down, I can not. As tempting as it may seem to impose myself on you, I ought to allow you the space to set yourself free and tame the imprudence of your wild spirit. Perhaps, you must contribute to your own doom and I should patiently and heart-wrenchingly watch you do it because what I see now, you will only see it a lifetime later. Nevertheless, I know that in time you will see that we were all we ever needed.

“You are a bloody coward. I have never come this close to considering the institution of forever working for me nor have I considered my lifespan being laid out with a man without dreading it.”

Forever is, perhaps, a concept of idealism. If we are not in ourselves ideal for each other, how can an ideal concept in its entirety work for us? Life is brutal and desperate but you haven’t felt any despair, misery and melancholy to such an extent so as to know the savagery and atrocities that this world is capable of inducing on mankind every day. This is merely a matter of heart, babe; people suffer for something as basic as a human right to life. My life has revolved around you as much as yours have revolved around me. If you came close to considering your forever with me after a forever itself, then it will take you another forever to realize that you don’t spend a forever compromising on something that had been ingrained in you or something that defines your individuality. I can’t sacrifice the man I am for the heart that beats in my chest and I most definitely cannot in my right mind ever allow myself to let you be smothered for the heart that beats in my chest. There is a very thin line between courage and foolishness; one can easily be mistaken for the other. My sanity will curb your insanity. My rationality will serve to your irrationality. My balance will counteract your imbalance. My normalcy will protect your rebellion. What is coward for you is my attempt to save you.

“If I were you, I would never let me go.”

I am a difficult person but not a bad person. I am stubborn but not manipulative; egotistic but not selfish. I may be complex but not twisted; may be cold-blooded but not ruthless; may be bold but not reckless. I am not everything good but I am certainly not everything bad. Since, there is no way I can have your name written in the will of my destiny, I will live with it seared on my heart.

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Masterpiece

You were broken when you bumped into me,
With a heart so shattered it needed to heal,
As I breathe life into your soul trying to fix you,
I got diagnosed with love showing symptoms of you,
You preyed on the essence of my soul,
And fed on it to build yourself a world of eternal bliss,
I was left with nothing but emptiness,
It seemed like an abyss of darkness,
Where even light was shadowed with intense blackness,
My senses numbed and my mind so calm,
My heart in pain and my soul so damned,
I remember our first fight,­­­­
And the unforgivable and unforgettable first night,
I remember our first kiss,
And the mornings when I felt fragile, broken and pissed,
I remember the sound of your heartbeat,
And the warmth of your skin when it collided with mine,
So if I told you that you had me only for today,
Then would that be any reason to make you want to stay?
To not hurt me with those lies that make me feel unwanted,
Or will you still be vain and take me for granted?

You told me beautiful lies,
And you didn’t admit to your own disguise,
It’s like you were camouflaged by the truths of life,
I went through hell just to keep us grounded,
Those fears and insecurities weren’t entirely unfounded,
Since I am programmed to survive I let you go,
To push me in the arms of my own doom,
But now that you are gone and I am all alone,
My heart’s beating but I am alive no more,
My mind’s numb but still leads me to you heart,
My soul’s so weary but keeps me from falling apart,
The days have been tough and the nights so rough,
And when it comes to you, I am never good enough,
You were mine just yesterday,
And now you are gone because you just couldn’t see,
A love like ours is a masterpiece,
So while you drift away to free your soul,
I lay captivated within your sorrows and flaws,
So if I told you that you had me only for today,
Then would that be any reason to make you want to stay?
To not hurt me with those lies that make me feel unwanted,
Or will you still be vain and take me for granted?

Pariah

I am sick of all your lies,
I can’t ever see through your disguise,
But I try so hard to find the truth in your eyes,
That I am broken and bruised on the inside,
You say you are sorry,
And I tell you that it will be alright,
So we get back to living the good old days,
Until a fight break out,
And you want to leave again,
For you love playing this game,
‘Cause you know my love for you won’t change,
You say that you will leave this time for the good,
And I beg you to stay one last time if you could,
‘Cause I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you,
So you are the predator and my heart is your prey,
You are like a con-man who doesn’t need to stay,
And I beg you to give us one last chance,
You push me away so you could have it your way,
Keeping your heart cold, you fail to see,
I am fragile but it wont stop you from breaking me,
All along, I had mistaken you for the cure to my pain,
I was such a fool in love,
That I didn’t know you were just the same,
There were no exceptions to the rules of your game,
I was just another name you wanted to claim,
And it’s all my fault and I am to be blamed,
I should have never trusted you with my heart,
‘Cause now I just can’t let you go,
Yes, I just can’t stay apart,
But who knew I was doomed right from the start,
All I know now is that I am the pariah,
I belong nowhere and to no one.

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I have not been active on WordPress lately because I have been super-busy. I will get back to reading and writing soon. Thank you for the patience and love. 

Affliction

Fill and consume, flutter and fly,
Hold your breath for you know it’s a goodbye;
Live and love, cut and heal,
The heart doesn’t know what it feels;
Forget and forgive, thrash and thrive,
Fulfill these dreams now that I feel alive;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
Ingrained in me is the pride and ego you loathe and self-doubt,
I am coming down like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Fuse and form, flow and feel,
Blend in the darkness for light is your deal;
Dos and don’ts, watch and listen,
Let the power of love in your eyes glisten;
Pray and plead, flip and turn,
Fairy tales and happy endings are not what I yearn;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
Ingrained in me is the beauty which is never going to burn out,
I am coming down like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Burns and bruises, plays and charades,
My fading youth as the time tears me apart;
Foolish and brave, fumes and faith,
The flash of your memory reduced to a wraith;
Blues and whites, loss and gain,
The sky above my head is pouring blood in vain;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
The thousands of kisses I stole from your mouth,
Beware for I shall come like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Damaged Beauty

He was terrified of loving her,
Not her flawless smooth skin,
Or her bright crimson eyes,
The silken texture of her luscious lips,
He was afraid of the storms inside her,
The disasters which made her a breathtaking mystery,
The irresistible and impossible work of art she was,
And if he was to shed all her skin down,
So he could try to peek inside her soul,
As though to admire the perfection he would see,
The light beyond the shadows of her physical appearance,
He feared to admit to himself,
That she was beautifully damaged,
But like the rest, he was scared to unravel,
The mysteries that were woven into the basis of her existence,
He was tempted to experience love in its best form,
Nonetheless he was afraid to tame the storms roaring inside of her,
He was scared to let go of his desires and transform,
His fear into a superpower to be able to see through her,
And hopelessly fall in love with her beautifully scarred heart.

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Virus

So what did I do?
And what was that I knew?
Did you think I was a virus that only grew?
Or was it that my heart had nothing for you?
For what I did and what was done,
For what I knew and what was known,
For what I saw and what was seen,
For what I heard and what was to be heard,
Things turned upside down and the pain was new,
Love became my foe and I was a stranger to you,
Helpless soul and my blurred view,
Lousy memories and the haziness in my thoughts grew,
Fueled up brain but I couldn’t feed my heart,
Love abandoned me and it no more was my mastered art,
Fulfilled with this heart break, I never yearned for a new start,
Beauty in my existence faded and it was all about your poisoned dart,
You killed me with love and the pieces scattered everywhere,
You envied the texture of my smile and the glow in my eyes pierced you,
My insides were bruised and there was nothing I could do,
Following the light, I forgot that I was struggling with the dark all through,
So what did I do?
And what was that I knew?
Did you think I was a virus that only grew?
Or was it that my heart had nothing for you?

Untamable

When you are emotionally exhausted,
When you have nowhere to go,
When you feel let down,
When you feel life is passing you by,
When you think the world is against you,
When you feel like you can’t go on,
Take a step back and turn around,
I will be standing there to hold your hand,
When you are at your lowest point,
I will embrace your flaws and let you be,
Tears will be an unknown mystery for your eyes,
Pain will eventually subside,
Estoy y siempre estaré aquí para ti,
You can always count on me,
But some day if you ever decide to feel my love,
Feel it in the air you breathe,
Let its magic fill your soul with hopes and dreams,
And if you ever decide to keep my love,
Keep it alive forever within your core,
Let it be your addiction to always come back for more,
And if you ever decide to choose my love,
Choose it only if it can be your home,
Let it be your safe haven to escape this world,
For this time if and when we do this,
We do this right from the start,
But this time I’ve got to see us through before we fall apart,
This time I’ve got to tame the beat of your untamable heart.

The Power of Now

There was a lot he could do,
With the time on his hands,
The clock was ticking away,
This life was passing him by,
Day after day and he never asked why,
He sinned every day hoping to be forgotten,
He sinned every day hoping to be forgiven,
He bullied the black girl in the class,
So he could have a good laugh,
He always looked down upon his fellows,
As if they were weak and inferior,
While he thought of himself as invincible and superior,
The allure of power, wealth and reputation enticed him,
So he lied, bribed, cheated and promoted,
The game of corruption he loved playing,
He had been lead to believe,
That the reality of the world was superficial,
No more did he desire the true happiness,
No more did he appreciate the beauty of truth,
Busy accomplishing the life in his hands,
He forgot to understand that death was inevitable,
Peace was nowhere to be found in his heart and soul,
He lost his way to home,
So he spent his life chasing after the desires of the flesh,
He forgot that his spirit also needed to be fed,
The time slipped away,
Each tomorrow was just another passing day,
He managed to accumulate everything to be supposedly wealthy,
But how come he never felt bliss,
“Because you fail to see the power of truth, peace, light and love”,
His inner voice revealed the reason,
He mocked and laughed at its foolishness,
And took pride in his choices,
After few years, when Death stood before him,
It asked him what had he done to better this world,
His mind didn’t know any answers,
So his inner voice spoke yet again,
“He failed to see the power of truth, peace, light and love”,
The riches that have been accumulated over the years,
They couldn’t accompany him in the other world,
And that is when he realized,
He wasted his lifetime chasing after the glitches of this life,
But nothing could be done no more,
He drifted too far from the shore,
And now time has closed its doors.