Autumn and Spring

She paused. He resumed. She was speechless. He offered explanations. She expected the best. He prepared for the worst. She was ignorant. He reciprocated kindness. She was the aura of Autumn. He believed her to be the glory of Spring. In this delusional world of calamity and hypocrisy, she knew he’d bow down to her altar every single day with faith in his heart, desire in his soul, light in his eyes and a prayer on his lips. She knew him to be an absolute non-believer before he began worshipping her inevitably invincible flaws. While he was merely a sculpture made from clay and sent to Earth, it was her that breathed life into his soulless existence. She was his religion, his temple and the dawn of hope serving as an anchor for his bruised soul drenched in sin and sorrow.

She thought to herself if the Lord would detest her for letting His creation believe in the apparent mightiness of another flawed being. However, her demons roared louder than the voice of her conscience, “Didn’t the Lord Himself proclaim that those who worship others do so albeit in an improper way?”

He had unknowingly found the will of his heart while she had found yet another prey.

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The taste of love, I tell you, is lethal.


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Superman

He lay there,
With his arms wrapped around her,
Breathing in the scent of her soul,
Calming the raging storms that shook her insides,
Which was sometimes beyond his control,
The disappointments and the regrets,
That had taken their toll over her,
He hushed them one after the other,
While he squeezed her in his arms,
As though to drain out her aching sorrow,
She was scared of failure,
But there was nothing to fear,
When he was there by her side,
Trying his best to absorb all her pain and tears,
Which she couldn’t run away from or hide,
Whether it was a dream or reality,
He was her peace, madness and sanity,
And she knew he would be the one,
To put together the missing pieces of her life,
So as to heal her brokenness and fill the voids,
Whether it was a dream or reality,
She would never stop being his kryptonite,
And he would do all that he could,
To rescue her with or without a plan,
Because he was her Superman,
One who might not know how to fly,
But could put her to sleep every night,
Ensuring her that tomorrow would be alright,
Even after all the years that passed them by,
He never stopped being the Superman he was,
She never stopped being his kryptonite,
And that was how they survived,
Travelling beyond the speed of light,
To defeat the darkness around them.

Stench of Sorrow

The solitude embraced her,
For the longest time,
She concealed her pain with a plastic smile,
A bottle of wine and sleepless nights,
Holding onto the fragments of false hope,
And the shattering memories came flooding back,
Tearing up her heart all over again,
This night which she thought would last forever,
Surprised her with bright morning light,
Invading her mind and all her weaknesses,
So she could undo the damage that numbed her senses,
The smell of alcohol faded with the tick-tock of the clock,
But would they not be stifled by the fumes of sorrow,
The stinging wounds that could smell bitter,
Than the alcohol on her breath,
She would give them the benefit of the doubt,
And let alcohol fool them all,
For oftentimes her heart could soundlessly shout,
For oftentimes she could motionlessly fall.

One Day..

One day you will feel my pain,
Burning underneath your skin,
One day you will feel my desires,
Aching within the core of your heart,
One day you will feel my energy,
Growing inside you,
One day you will feel my perseverance,
Easing your burdens,
One day you will feel my tears,
Wiping away the oceans of your sorrow,
One day you will feel my angels,
Conquering your demons,
One day you will feel my love,
Silencing your doubts,
One day you will feel what I have felt all along,
But until then, I will hope you know the way back home.

Diary of Nobody -IV-

I have been dead busy for the past few days but there has not been a single day when you haven’t crossed my mind. I have had tutorials for every day of the past week which means a lot of reading for a law student like me. However, you distracted me a lot (I think it needs to be re-phrased)—our memories distracted me a lot. Our pictures together were even worse of a distraction. Every single time, I fell for the trap and ended up watching us in the ‘photo gallery’ of my phone. I know I should delete them already but I am not going to (not ever). I think it’s pretty clear that I am drunk on you and I rather have it that way – I don’t want to move on (oh yes, I said it!). We were so happy that it’s difficult to believe that it’s all over now. Are you ever coming back? (I’m waiting, okay babe?)

Can I tell you something? I really love you a lot – I have grown into loving you so very much that I don’t know how to not feel it anymore. I don’t know how to go back and just put a ‘full-stop’ to my feelings that I have been feeling for the past four years. It can’t be done over-night so it might be easy for you to tell me to ‘Get Over It’ but it is an absolute nightmare for me in reality. Do you even know how much it takes to get used to the idea of not having somebody you love around once you’ve already had the taste of their enchanting presence? Do you know how hollow I feel every morning when there is nobody to tease me and tell me that I am not a morning person? Do you realize that I am battling with myself every single day because I expect you to return? (Denial, yes it is! What else do you expect of me after an unexpected break-up?)

I can spare you my life; I know it’s a risk but a risk worth-taking – for our happiness. Let me be selfish for a split second: I will risk anything to achieve my happiness which belongs with you. Now that I have already been selfish, let me also be brutally honest for a split second: I experienced happiness in an unusual but possibly the best way when I was capable of living my life with you. You are great and exquisite but there is something about great things: they never come easy. May be, that’s why I have to keep ‘Trying’.

Trying to love you less,
Trying to fight this stress,
Trying to not miss your caress,
But I am high on the thought of you,
I try but my pain only knows to grow,
I shall trust time like I trusted you,
To be rewarded with broken promises,
And the dreams that would never come true.

I can try to love you less but there are no guarantees that I will succeed. Don’t blame me if I disappoint you — I apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause you.

I want you. Since you have left, the heartache has embraced me very willingly. Despite of the pain I have experienced after my so-called emotional meltdown, my heart still longs for you. May be it’s crazy and stupid and wild but I can’t help it if it wants you. My heart is strong enough to compromise with sorrow and grief at the moment but it’s not in the position to let go of my happiness residing in you.

Be Yourself!

Being Yourself is the best thing you can give to this world!

Being Yourself is the best thing you can give to this world!

This life is playing with me, doesn’t it play with everybody? However, what is the gist for grief and joy to be a part of my life when I now wish that it should be neutrality to embrace me. My heart is fragile; it weeps when I am miserable and it doesn’t know how to confine the sorrow. It laughs when I am ecstatic not knowing how to cater for my bliss. Why is it that I am never contented? Is it just me or that’s normal for Earthlings?

I want a life where I can choose the outcome of my activities. I want to be a judge of my very own actions. Am I asking too much? Is it too much to ask for people to mind their own business and let me mind my own? Is it too much to ask of people to not watch me in a bizarre manner if my arms are linked with my best friend’s and my hair are dyed pink. I do not care what they think about me but when the ‘staring business’ happens frequently, it makes me curious of what beauty is confined in me that people are attracted to give more than a glimpse to an ordinary girl like me.

My mother once told me that I have to be ‘Myself’ no matter what other people think of me. Now, that I haven’t seen my mother in past six years; I wonder if her advice would be the same. Should I continue to be myself or should I start paying heed to the cold stares and judgmental looks around me? My mother watches down on me every night from the Heaven. I hope I make her proud.

I am fifteen years old. My life is shaking and I have passed the point of knowing what right to do in which right place in when right time. Regardless, I have learnt something: I am in a better condition than many people in this world. I have clothes to wear, food to eat and clean water to drink unlike people living in less privileged areas like parts of Africa. I will always complain about something not being right or as per my wish because that’s the part of my human nature but I can take the time to be grateful to Almighty for all that I have.

Before it’s too late, we have to stop this Human Hypocrisy. The truth is you may not be perfect but you are yourself. Be thankful for what you have and who you are.
Learn and Survive – life is all about learning and surviving.

The Connection of My Soul with Evil

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Across the shore, behind the rocks,
My wounded heart strangled in sinful locks.

I stretch my arms wide to embrace the globe,
The grief of denial – the soft whisper fondles my ear lobe.

The significance of my subsistence is fairly explained,
I wandered bare foot; my liberated soul detained.

The hustle bustle to seize the life’s train overwhelms me;
The horizon caresses my sight compelling me to flee.

Sorrow and distress soothes my soul;
Longing for agony performs a mighty role.

Blissfulness is neither my aim nor my consent;
Desires dwelling in my heart are slaughtered – twistedly bent.

The intoxicating air bruises my free will;
However leaving the world behind; my fingers feel the top-most hill.

Confessing my sins sanctifies me with a new life;
My soul is naked – transgressions excited to slash me with a knife.

The evil is tempted by the nobility of nakedness;
Thus wrapping the new-born soul in the garb of wickedness.

Several births in this world may not feed the soul with goodness;
Hence this world is the abode of evil upholding darkness and blindness.

 

Relationship Trauma!

NOTE: Thank you so much for keeping a track to my site even when I was not posting, the stats are evident. Thank you for the shower of those beautiful mails who wanted to inquire about my NO-POSTING season, your care and love for me moved me to the core and that is how I planned on updating the blog today in spite of the busy schedule – your over-whelming love can break the barriers of the cold working schedule. I am blessed to have a bunch of sincere readers who seek my work and look up to me. Thank you once again for all the mails, they are worth million gems and I will surely be getting back to each one of them. I hope that my readers can compromise on my delayed posting though I will try to post at least once a day and if not possible then at least once in three days. The posting may be affected but I ensure that the reading hours won’t be reduced – all the blogs I follow will be read and fed with likes and comments where necessary. Thank you for the cooperation.

 

It has been three years, two months, twenty-seven days, seven hours, five minutes and thirty-seven seconds (to the date) when I met him for the first time. I was always pretty precise about our timings as it was always a treat to make him feel special with such remarkable moves that helped me look at him gaping with surprise at how perfect I was at times especially when it was concerned with him. I never intended to sound over-efficient or behave over-smartly but my target was to feed him with pleasure and happiness all at once. The stories of his past haunted him every now and then and I believed that it was my responsibility to ensure him that he was cherished and his present was much better than what he had expected of his future in the past. My efforts always wanted to pursue the desires of his heart so that he could feel the warmth and passion of love burning within me for him – his appearance may not be the factor for why was I attracted towards him but certainly his soul was primarily a key reason for my helpless condition. Despite of all my efforts, I believe I lack immensely from time to time. This feeling first bothered me when I realized that his way of expression and the incredible charm was fading – it was not my sight which has to be blamed but he really was changing. I did not have the nerve to ask him if he was not interested in continuing what we had between us – a blend of friendship that was transforming into love on my part and I was unaware of how his heart would respond to my feelings. The change in attitude is always evident and with time I saw his attitude rusting. I feared to let go of him – how would I ever feel if he would someday introduce me to the love of his life unaware of how my heart raced for him incredibly. How could he ever deny that when he called me beautiful, I blushed because there is really something happening deep down within me when he praises me. How could he not know that when we linked arms and walked together at the Christmas party of the school for the first time, I felt like a fairy-tale princess and I wanted to pause the life at that very moment to glance at him for eternity. Was he really unaware of my feelings unless I expressed myself in those three letter essential yet worthless words? How could I ever forget that moment when he said: “Darling, I was waiting for an eternity to hear it. Oh my goodness, I love you so much too”. He embraced me and I felt secured in his arms – first time ever after my daddy was gone and never held on to my finger because of his lousy second wife and her sons that comparatively seemed better to him than me and my mum. I can never compare him to my dad as I never found him a moral person but this guy; he was beyond morality for me.  Unfortunately, we always are immature and perceptive when the mind stops functioning and it is the chords of heart that tunes in to write the lyrics of our love song. He repeatedly betrayed me whenever he said that he loved me and I was such a fool that I actually believed him every time his cold gray eyes deceived me with the floral words he uttered. I have no idea what was my ranking on his list but he was the first one for me and the last one too (This thought was shaken when he left me all on my own at the eleventh hour)
 
Doubtlessly, he treated me exceptionally. He lived in the hostel of the campus as his home was situated in some other city but he would always walk me to my home which was a 15 minutes walk from the school campus. He would often slip his arm around my waist to hold me against him firmly or would hold my hand tracing my fingers gently on our way to home. Everything he did was charismatic or may be I was new to flirting even at the age of 19. We went to the cinema a couple of times together and all he did was look at me; I would punch his well-built chest muscles as I was shy but he used to sit there looking at me the entire time and laugh out loud when I used to sob gently (on an emotional scene) with my tears fluttering on my cheeks and then he would gently press his pinky finger against my cheeks to wipe away the tears. When we used to head out of the cinema, he always babbled about my red rosy cheeks – rosy was the word he used for my cheeks. He knew that if I would laugh or cry I will turn red like a tomato within a second and this was one reason he used to call me “Rose” so that he can tease me with his enthralling smile and lure me with his appealing flirtiest voice. He always encouraged my natural looks – he thought ”NO-MAKEUP”  made me stand above all the girls in our school and he repetitively mentioned how he loved me for my simplicity. His gentle kisses on my forehead when he would cup my face in his hands always enhanced my confidence and strengthened my love for him. The first time he ever kissed me on my lips was stupendous – for a moment I thought life was at a standstill as if I was drawn away from this world to the Heavens and I enjoyed a flight with angels. It was quick but this was the first time I could smell his Tony & Guy gel cream, his strong after shave and the strawberry cologne that enchanted me to remain like this forever. He was a gentleman – I realized it when he plunged his gray eyes into my chocolate brown and uttered the three magical words for the last time. Are you wondering where did he go? I don’t know myself. After our graduation, he ensured me that we would marry and he would do all he can to make me meet his parents. One day after two months he called on my landline – I ripped open my heart and started screaming at him over the receiver. I cursed him for being out of contact, for switching off his cell phone and simultaneously I cursed myself for not taking his home address, if that could have been one way to be in contact through postal cards and letters! After listening to me calmly, he uttered in the cold voice (an anonymous voice I was unaware of), “We can not work out. I think we should part our ways”. The receiver dropped from my hand and I was shaken from head to toe. I didn’t have the strength to uplift myself and I fell onto the ground when my toe hit the corner of the table and my toe-nail was scraped from the corner oozing the red liquid that was none of my concern anymore – my heart was bleeding much more than what drenched the bottom of my trousers and spilled on the floor. I got up and dug myself in bed – not just for one day but for many days that continued for several months but my mum’s patience always fed me with the stamina to bear the hardships coming my way. I tried calling him twice on the same number from where he had called but it was a local phone booth number in Edinburgh. He was sly to never leave a trace of him in my life and vanish like a shooting star.

 

A story like this or multiple stories with various differences are being heard every day by us or one of our colleagues. What do we do after hearing them? Feel pity for them?? The root of the problem in anyway does not focus on the betrayal with girls specifically but it focuses on the “STRATEGY OF A RELATIONSHIP” – there could be a guy in this girl’s place too cursing the turmoil of the past. Previously, I have been going through various blogs where girls and guys write their heart out. They believe that writing can help them with the speedy recovery; well doubtlessly this is a good idea but there are certain remedies that can help heal the open wounds or instead help you be aware of the relationships before hand.

 

There are five BEWARES I will list under their respective headings to counter once you think that the relationship you desire should be serious:

FREEDOM GRANTED:

Once you are committed, the possessiveness should be under control. Let the other person breathe at least. Life and love is not about tying your loved ones instead the more you allow freedom the more trust is promoted within a relationship. Suspicion should be kept aside as this is one tool that should never be used throughout the life time.

 

SOCIAL CIRCLE IS NECESSARY:

There are majority of the love cases where they give up their healthy social life because the charm of each other’s arms is much more thrilling than partying out with friends on a beach party. This idea may not sound lame but once the relationship does not turn out to be long-termed, life is no less than a hell when you do not have friends around to support you. However, friends and a lover should have their respective places and the time should be accordingly divided.

ACADEMICS:

For students and teenagers who willingly involve themselves in love mantras during their studying years is not at all a good idea. There is an age and time period for everything. This love factor encourages you to compromise on the part of your academics which as a result affects your grades; hence even if a relationship is serious in your career years, make sure you have bound circle set around you or a time table to help you plan out everything requiring your immediate attention.

LOVE IS NOT LIFE:

People who can not recover over a relationship or goes in a certain painful trauma are usually the ones who are new to the world of “LOVE”. Either it may be the first time they have been serious regarding a relationship or it must have been their first long-termed relationship. Whatever the reason may be, make sure life and love are two separate key words. Love happens in LIFE. Therefore, life is a primary word and it should be lived and cherished with or without love from a lover. After all, love encounters are a part of the life time but life itself is a one-go blessing!

INVOLVE PARENTS:

Once you think that the relationship is pretty serious, involve your parents. If one side is reluctant to involve parents, make sure you get through the reason and if there is no reason then obviously there is a sour smell of your rotting relationship. Therefore, if both are willing to involve parents, this is a very good sign for a healthy relationship. The meeting of your loved one with your parents would help you take an advice from them who usually are more mature, practical and experienced regarding these matters.

REMEDIES IF YOU HAVE ALREADY BEEN DITCHED

A HEALING PEN:

Write your heart out on a piece of paper and burn the paper right in front of you or shred it into pieces. No need to keep a record of what you write and if you desire to keep a record or maintain a diary, it is ultimately as per on your own wishes. The key point is jotting down the wounds to let them heal. Once your heart is lightened from the burden of sorrow, you are good to go!

HANGING OUT:

After a break up, no one desires to expose themselves to the world of the embarrassment or rather they hate the sunshine as they believe the light of hope in their lives had vanished. In such a condition, compelling one’s self to go out and cherish nature helps in a million ways. Your mind wanders around the circumstances but nature engages your attention quite well. Even if friends are around they can be a pretty good treat too. Therefore, this compelling may sound like forcing one’s self but at the end of the day it helps you to heal fast.

THANKING THE ALMIGHTY:

In such circumstances when we are suffering of sorrow and misery, all we are capable of is cursing God. This lame act consequently reminds me of how we can stop thanking Him for ending the unpleasant trauma at an early stage and after all He is the Creator – He would never take a bad decision for us. The trust and faith in Him always is a positive vibe to continue with life cheerfully.

CRYING DOES HELP:

At times, all we would desire is to cry until our tears are dry. Do as per the desires of your heart. Cry as much as you want. It helps in reducing the burden off your heart. At the end either you would fall asleep or feel better than what you felt before. Crying your heart out is a simple yet a great remedy.

DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION:

Indulge yourself in various activities to pursue your personal interest so you are not left with the long hours thinking about the turmoil of the past. Enroll yourself to learn new interesting things, read books, paint on the canvas, make handicrafts, spend your time walking along the sea shore, doing work out and etc. In short, treat yourself with a tough routine which will help you to forget about the past readily and your attention will be diverted towards various other things of your interest.

YOGA & MEDITATION:

Yoga and mediation is a ready-made remedy. Once you know yoga, you have a good option to recover with the lightening speed and if not then enroll yourself for the yoga classes and the difference can be felt instantaneously. Yoga and meditation helps you to attain peace of mind by soothing your heart pulse and brain nerves. This automatically drives you out of the horrid trauma that is the unpleasant present of the destiny for an amusing life experiences.

LEARN THE LESSON:

Feeling betrayed by a loved one is painful. Feeling that your trust and relationship were not valued by the other person is difficult to bear but learn the lesson on your way. Betrayal teaches you not to idolize the external sources. Learn the lesson of forgiveness.  After all, life is the name of “Moving On”!

Passion

Passion – a dominating force.

The sole path escorting through Eternity

Sorrow or bliss credits the global Fraternity

Life’s a cheese cake; yet intricate to enjoy

Beating eggs, whisking flour and freaking sounds annoy

Love cradles my soul; suffering cuddles me

Is there any way out- any pending fee?

I swallow my breath collapsing in the soil

Inviting death after the long-termed toil

My soul enthralls my presence on this transitory abode

Passwords encrypted yet the accomplishments to decode

Passion to survive binds me training for the perilous flight

I crossed the stony beds, thorny deserts and mighty oceans; alas! My bare sight!

Blood implies the ending of my expedition

I lay back saddling my soul with the fire of ambition

Tear Drops

Cry until happiness embraces the swollen eyes

The reflection unseen,
Craving a cup of caffeine. 

Red swollen face and the rolling tears,
To tug the outburst within revealing fears. 

The dark starry night thus so long,
Rumbling words tuning into a rhymed song.

The alcohol defy to tempt insanity,
The roller coaster of life betrays humanity.

My body’s numb and strength fatal,
Love rescues my conscience unstable.

Panic strangles the mystery,
Tear drops narrate their history.

The hasty breaths release the firm grip,
The grievous setback attempts to make a flip.

The calmness pleads the hustle bustle to take control,
Happiness forgives sorrow for its vicious role.

Endurance of tear drops uphold a smile,
The enchanting air heals the wounds in a while.