Rising into a Fall

I sat here in the middle of nowhere, my feet jammed on the brake pedal, willing to let go off it any second to put my throbbing heart to rest. This cliff, which watches over 5000 feet of uncertainty can revaluate the certainty of the script of my fate and it wouldn’t hurt an inch of my being. I’d delve into the realm of dust and bask in the glory of nothingness and my so called free spirit shall really be set free. It often baffles me that we are led to blindly believe in the flair of every course of action being pre-destined while we fail to realize that it is in reality our choice which instructs the course of destiny. Destiny is merely a concept which unwinds the complexity of life for the very simplistic beings. However, the complexities cannot be negated by believing in something which is an open-ended aspect of controversy and have no reference to the context.

The reservoir of their time together flashed in front of her eyes like a kaleidoscope of memories and she knew that it was sufficient for her to take her final breaths with a smile – the cobblestone streets, their first kiss in the middle of the lush fields in Scotland, the scent of his musk overwhelming her senses, the adrenaline associated with his thoughts and emotions, the light reflected in his ocean blue eyes capable of illuminating the darkest of the imaginative fears and that crackling laughter to always take her breath away. Her eyes are tightly shut and jaws ferociously clenched with her arms pressed against the steering of her very first Porsche. It could not have been more perfect to let go of her only true belonging on her own terms surrounded by commodities which meant the most to her entirety. This car she sat in was the product of the proceedings left of her savings account she mounted while working as a bartender during her time at the university. The cliff was where Aaron, her high school sweetheart broke up with her, leading her to Frasier. Despite of all the heartache and trivialness attached with the unexpected breakup with Aaron, she knew it would have been impossible for her to call it quits if Aaron wouldn’t have been brave enough to address the concerns in their relationship, hence risking the existence of Frasier in her life. Frasier was her favourite memory of all, and the only risk ‘she ran by choosing her own terms and conditions was cracking his heart open. Perhaps, she was hopeful that he of all people would understand given he was the only person who understood her insides as if he co-existed within her.

I think Mother will be very unhappy with this choice in particular. My brain tells me that it may take Mother a lifetime to absolve my actions of sins she thinks only exist because of her faith in religious beliefs. It astounds me how she fails to understand that the Divine Force, commonly known as God if It even exists, and is the Provider for all of us then all It would wish for us is to choose happiness and therefore, my happiness is in letting go of the threads that deeply connect me with the circle of life. Father will be disappointed in me and I will no more be his champ. Finally, Uriel can seek the validation from Father that he believed was merely impossible because I stood as a rock-hard obstruction in his way. Father will appreciate for the very first time that Uriel didn’t turn out like me despite of him consistently breathing down Uriel’s neck to follow in my footsteps. I reckon all I will ever want to tell Father, if I ever could, is that I’d have a lifetime wasted if I choose to just suffocate my existence in the air which reeks of violence, hypocrisy and judgmental beliefs tainting the individuality, which is my human body over a vessel for something extremely sensitive and substantial: my soul. I believe it will pain my soul the most if Father even for a second will doubt his position of letting me be a free bird. If my decision to choose an eternity sooner than later will tarnish his belief that he should have listened to Mother and will admittedly give into her “I said so”, then every tear that moistens his cheek will be a stab tearing away at the base of my soul. These concerns have me second doubt my choices; if what I believe happens to dissect the core of not only the most important beings to me but also my soul even if it were to exist in its most natural state.

The most common of misconceptions to be construed with respect to her choice would be labelling her, some of which will stand out for self-explanatory reasons; the most pivotal one being selfish. A broken smile hatched at the curve of her mouth as she wondered if they really understood what it meant to be self-centred. Perhaps, they knew nothing about the philosophy of life, whose esse are in opposition to the biology of life; the latter of which they understand but the former of which their functional brains will find difficult to perceive. However, if she really believed in the surrender or abandonment as the ultimate salvation, she wouldn’t have waited all these years living on the edge given she was merely eight when it was past her head that the world will never be able to crack the intricacies of a human brain which for her was an utmost pleasure. It was her refuge from the brutality of humanity. She felt a stab of excitement and a pang of guilt concurrently.

“Follow your heart, Nora. It will lead you to your dreams. Trust your intuition, it facilitates self-discovery and inspires positive change. Be yourself; choose each day as an opportunity to better yourself and don’t forget to love yourself, love”, her father’s voice echoed in her head as tears rolled down her cheeks. The man did an exceptional job with her, preaching to her that being a misfit was as typical as the ways of a traditionalist. He was a protective father, like any other father, however he wouldn’t do injustice to the extraordinary his daughter brought to the world which filled him with sheer delight and pride. She pressed her propped arms against the steering wheel blaring the horns of the car to silence the doubts; she was struggling with the pendulum that swung at a pace faster than her heartbeat between her choice and their voices.

I have never seen Mother and Father have a similar opinion on a human before but Frasier was an exception. He won their hearts in their very first meeting with him. He was an absolute charmer. He helped Mother bake banana bread and blueberry muffins after lunch and set the table at the patio for the evening tea. He went to play golf with Father after the tea and returned swamped in advice on ways to improve his game. Father and Mother loved him so much in the matter of just an evening that Father had the hotel he was staying at cancel his stay with them and he ended up crashing in the guest room in our basement. What was there not to love about him?

When the home had snoozed that night, the night-owls they happened to be, they tip-toed their way into the patio to gaze at the starry sky. Frasier slipped his arm around her waist, gently pulling her closer and brushed the corner of her bottom lip with his thumb. He motioned for them to lay flat on their backs on the grass, his hand still clasping her waist ever so lightly. She inched closer and rested her head against his chest and the sound of his heartbeat felt like the wind chimes over the ripple of the ocean breeze calling her home. The silence in the air was golden. After a couple of minutes, he rolled over to lay on his belly slipping her head in the palm of his hand and the other arm snugged around her. He smiled his mischievous smile and the look in his eyes said it all. He moved closer and it felt like that the starlight had dimmed just for their moment. He pressed his lips against hers for not more than a few seconds when she managed to rid herself from his hold and dashed to the main entrance of the house. He chased after her and they crashed in the guestroom for the longest time, watching Netflix and sipping on the bottle of bubbly he got her parents just a day before. She brushed his knuckles while his fingers were laced with hers and he didn’t realize when he dozed off with his head perched on her shoulder. She pecked on his cheek, pulled the covers over him, tucked him in bed and sneaked out of the guest room, making the least amount of sound and motion. She laid in her bed wide awake staring at the blank canvas of her room ceiling, thinking to herself that what was it that she did to be fortunate enough to deserve someone like Frasier in her life, given humans usually weren’t her cup of tea. The thought of his chivalry put an insomniac to sleep that night and the very same thought shall today set the spirit of a wild caged soul free.

I don’t feel the need to leave a few words that perhaps will lurk in the lives of my people, serving as an excruciating reminder and the queer feelings that will be associated with it will only serve to defeat the purpose of slipping away as invisibly as possible in the realms of eternity. It will merely create a ripple effect of affliction, impacting the hearts I cherish the most to ache in grief of something symbolic of a celebratory cause. I believe my silence can speak volumes while my words may only serve to resurrect the essence of my being. This may commonly be misunderstood as selfish but I am rooting for the greater good here. However, sometimes, just sometimes silence is just as misinterpreted as words and I fear being misunderstood for making a bold choice yet again.

She wasn’t one of those who left their business half-done. She always has to have the last word.

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Author’s Note: With two very renowned names committing suicide this month, I felt it was very important for me to publish this piece of prose I have written a while ago. The background of this prose is a conversation I landed in with a bunch of peers  at a lunch a couple of months ago regarding what motivates suicide and how it is rightly ‘illegal’ on a social as well as religious account. It broke my heart that day to witness how ignorant we are even as an educated lot to not be able to acknowledge that each human mind paints and processes the taste of pain and this world uniquely and we cannot assemble any generalization when it comes to a human brain and heart. It failed me to know that they think that suicide is selfish and an attention seeking stunt; I was appalled by the audacity with which my peers so conveniently declared that suicide is usually an accident and a person never intends to take away their life but it is just a cry for help. It may be true in some cases but like I said before, we should refrain from making generalizations about such a serious issue and acknowledge that each human brain may have gone through ultimately a lot to even consider it to be a cry for help. 

It is my humble request to play your part in embracing and spreading this message that mental health is as important, if not more, as your physical health. I have worked with groups promoting mental health awareness and believe you me when I say that we all have heard and read sufficient life stories to gather something as simple as this: life is often unpredictable and pain seldom times unbearable. At the end of the day, we are only human. 

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A Blast From The Past (The Taste of Unwanted Emotions)

“You are not perfect but you are what I want.”
I was told by the extra beings and the babbling mouths that not everything which is desired by the heart will become your destiny. I very politely had always begged to differ. Everything that I had ever wanted, I could achieve it be that due to my ‘go get it, girl’ attitude or the audacity (or foolishness as some would like to call it) to take everything that had been thrown my way as a challenge. Hence, I wind down the road with my hands in the air and the flaring fighting spirit planting green flags at various check-posts of my life but here I am now, clueless of the red flag in my hand. I must jab it straight through my heart and this time around, I am scared to death of the nerve-racking trail of reality that may follow. I am a pro at fixating minds and getting what I want but how do I turn a heart around? I can fool the brain but the domain of heart has never belonged to the box of my skill-set. I had always kept a safe distance from emotions and dramas involving the heart but I had no idea I would fall straight on my face with you, putting my heart at stake and my brain on standstill mode. I am a survivor to the bone but you have me doubt my survival instincts.

“You can’t stay, babe but neither can you leave. I wouldn’t be the same man without you.”
It is so convenient for you to bring me to a crossroad and make decisions for us in your favour. Have you ever thought how it feels like to un-want a soul that you had wanted since an eternity? Perhaps, highly unlikely. You have been playing the accusing and blaming game and I have been trying my best to cope with your tantrums but I am as helpless as you are. The other day you bawled your eyes out in my passenger seat and it killed me to watch those tears escape your eyes. However, have you ever thought that I was there to wipe them off your cheeks but who will do that for me when my heart will admit to its loss? How can someone who had come so far with you and believes to have fit you so perfectly, even better than your favourite sweater, would so ridiculously like to push his dream away? How can you not see what I see? The never-ending thunderstorms before the short-lived rainbows. How can you not feel what I feel? That our souls may have found their eternal homes in each other but they don’t belong together. How can you pretend to be ignorant to the hurricane of my emotions? How can you turn a blind eye to the heartache which will leave its trails permanently in the territory of my heart? Why do you ensure that everything is always about you? Perhaps, we would have been too perfect together; our flaws would have blended together only to strengthen our failings to the best of their capacity and we would have given birth to mere perfection. Therefore, pity us, perfection doesn’t exist in this world and so can’t we, babe.

“How did you get so lucky with me – what would you do without me?”
Things have never been simple between us. It was never a straight line or a black and white sheet for us. We accommodated the shades of grey and I am not the person to be acquainted with grey and put my sense of self in jeopardy. However, black and white or grey, the bond we shared was inexplicable and unfathomable in all its glory. It made me curious at times, the mystery behind it all, but then I wondered, nothing about us was clichéd anyway and this in turn, stripped my ego and rebellion bit by bit, ensuring that I made exceptions for you without you even asking for them. I found my soulmate in you and as much as I wanted to deny it for the longest period, deep down I had always believed it. I’d fall and you’d be there to catch me. We had our highs and lows, quarrels and passion, good and bad days, hatred and love, challenges and opportunities and essentially, it was us against the world: being an army of two. One will complete the spaces left by the other and not utter a word like it all came so organically to us. It didn’t take an ounce of effort to withhold the magic. However, now you want to deny us the magic of our might when all along I had believed you to be the kind of magic which had invigorated me to dream beyond infinite possibilities. You want to be a variable to my algebraic equation of life when all this time you had been a constant. This is your battle and as much as I want to hold you down, I can not. As tempting as it may seem to impose myself on you, I ought to allow you the space to set yourself free and tame the imprudence of your wild spirit. Perhaps, you must contribute to your own doom and I should patiently and heart-wrenchingly watch you do it because what I see now, you will only see it a lifetime later. Nevertheless, I know that in time you will see that we were all we ever needed.

“You are a bloody coward. I have never come this close to considering the institution of forever working for me nor have I considered my lifespan being laid out with a man without dreading it.”
Forever is, perhaps, a concept of idealism. If we are not in ourselves ideal for each other, how can an ideal concept in its entirety work for us? Life is brutal and desperate but you haven’t felt any despair, misery and melancholy to such an extent so as to know the savagery and atrocities that this world is capable of inducing on mankind every day. This is merely a matter of heart, babe; people suffer for something as basic as a human right to life. My life has revolved around you as much as yours have revolved around me. If you came close to considering your forever with me after a forever itself, then it will take you another forever to realize that you don’t spend a forever compromising on something that had been ingrained in you or something that defines your individuality. I can’t sacrifice the man I am for the heart that beats in my chest and I most definitely cannot in my right mind ever allow myself to let you be smothered for the heart that beats in my chest. There is a very thin line between courage and foolishness; one can easily be mistaken for the other. My sanity will curb your insanity. My rationality will serve to your irrationality. My balance will counteract your imbalance. My normalcy will protect your rebellion. What is coward for you is my attempt to save you.

“If I were you, I would never let me go.”
I am a difficult person but not a bad person. I am stubborn but not manipulative; egotistic but not selfish. I may be complex but not twisted; may be cold-blooded but not ruthless; may be bold but not reckless. I am not everything good but I am certainly not everything bad. Since, there is no way I can have your name written in the will of my destiny, I will live with it seared on my heart.

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Diary of Nobody -XIV-

“Sup”, they ask.

You must be aware that youth nowadays like to shorten everything for the sake of some apparent swag or for some ridiculous cool-effect. I struggle to be a part of this age where appearances need to be dope and emotions stand no hope — where the soul is ruthlessly starved to feed the goddamn ego.

Is there any way we can return to our childhood? I don’t want to fit in this world without you. It might seem like an absurd thought at the very first instance but I feel like I have lost the soul I thought I could rock and jam with. My soul hasn’t been fed for a while and the sense of emotional numbness invades my sanity. Netflix keeps me company now, sometimes it is family but where exactly are you? Weren’t you supposed to be my guardian angel and protect me from the forces of evil? I was told love has no boundaries only to realize for myself that love is all about boundaries.

I am healing. I am trying. I am coping. I am surviving. I think, reviving too.

“Its difficult but not impossible.”, your voice echoes in my head and drives me insane. How do I tell you that impossibility is just a word for you while I have to live through the reality of circumstantial intricacy? I am disgusted with myself for not being able to find peace and solace within myself and for unknowingly creating a bubble-world around you. Why do I have to die a little every single day because you have ceased to be a part of my constantly-recurring struggle for existence?

I hurt every day but I cannot bring myself to the point of loathing you. I try to strike a conversation with you but I don’t know what else could I ask you except of your well-being and the gossip about weather since I have noticed that you are fond of posting pictures of snow, rain, spring, fall and what-not-weather-related on your social media. I try to converse heart-to-heart with you but you’ve given up. You had given up a long time ago since I was the reason for your frustrations, troubles and bruises. I disappointed you once and in turn you never trusted me with anything again, not even with a candid conversation. I wish you could see how I wait desperately for the times you would be around. However, I can never catch your eye like others do. Perhaps, you have stopped responding to any gestures which may indicate very subtly that I need you. One moment, I want to let you in and expose all my vulnerabilities and the other moment, I stop dead in my tracks for I fear that I will smash the wall which stands tall between us necessary for our survival and to maintain our individuality. I fear that I will burst your bubble with my unfortunate reality. The underlying fear of letting you down (yet again) and losing whatever little we have dictates my life at the very moment because seeing you torn apart is the last of the last things I could imagine indulging myself in.

So, I reside in silence while thunder roars within me. I hibernate to be able to hide my scars as best as I can. My world exists in a shell purposely so you can cherish life the way you do and make every second of it divine. I see you being yourself with others and exuberating just the right amount of confidence and charisma, and I am at peace. While you are doing just fine and dealt courageously with the unimaginable aftermath of our adversities; I, on the other hand, am still living through it.

You know what? You might think that after all this time, I should knock it off already and just be like you. But, you simply can’t see that normal has never been my forte, and it never will be.

Masterpiece

You were broken when you bumped into me,
With a heart so shattered it needed to heal,
As I breathe life into your soul trying to fix you,
I got diagnosed with love showing symptoms of you,
You preyed on the essence of my soul,
And fed on it to build yourself a world of eternal bliss,
I was left with nothing but emptiness,
It seemed like an abyss of darkness,
Where even light was shadowed with intense blackness,
My senses numbed and my mind so calm,
My heart in pain and my soul so damned,
I remember our first fight,­­­­
And the unforgivable and unforgettable first night,
I remember our first kiss,
And the mornings when I felt fragile, broken and pissed,
I remember the sound of your heartbeat,
And the warmth of your skin when it collided with mine,
So if I told you that you had me only for today,
Then would that be any reason to make you want to stay?
To not hurt me with those lies that make me feel unwanted,
Or will you still be vain and take me for granted?

You told me beautiful lies,
And you didn’t admit to your own disguise,
It’s like you were camouflaged by the truths of life,
I went through hell just to keep us grounded,
Those fears and insecurities weren’t entirely unfounded,
Since I am programmed to survive I let you go,
To push me in the arms of my own doom,
But now that you are gone and I am all alone,
My heart’s beating but I am alive no more,
My mind’s numb but still leads me to you heart,
My soul’s so weary but keeps me from falling apart,
The days have been tough and the nights so rough,
And when it comes to you, I am never good enough,
You were mine just yesterday,
And now you are gone because you just couldn’t see,
A love like ours is a masterpiece,
So while you drift away to free your soul,
I lay captivated within your sorrows and flaws,
So if I told you that you had me only for today,
Then would that be any reason to make you want to stay?
To not hurt me with those lies that make me feel unwanted,
Or will you still be vain and take me for granted?

Q1

Sometimes..

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words,
Sometimes tears stain the stronger than the weak,
Sometimes the stars sparkle brighter than the sun,
Sometimes distance unites than divide,
Sometimes the lies are simpler than the truth,
Sometimes grief is much more contagious than a smile,
Sometimes living in the present is more difficult than planning a tomorrow,
Sometimes survival is much less destructive than surrender,
Sometimes just sometimes,
Love does not cause sorrow,
Hope is not a delight,
Pain is not a curse,
Time is not cruel,
Failure is not trying,
Happiness is not fatal,
Sometimes just sometimes,
One moment can last a forever.


Note: I am off for a vacation and I am not sure if I will have access to internet but I will try to catch up on your lovely blogs whenever I can. I don’t promise anything but I will try my best to write and share the little moments I enjoyed best during my trip. Love to you all. Until next time, live, love, Inspire & (don’t forget to) smile. Believe in yourself and you can conquer all your fears. Laters. 

Home

He breathed magic in her soul,
And she was scarred no more,
He was confused and bruised,
She took him by the hand,
And showed him the light,
To bring his lost soul home,
The hardships were woven into their life,
Struggling each day to help each other survive,
But they wouldn’t give up just yet,
Even if they didn’t know what it was all worth,
They’d hold on to the feeling of love,
For nothing could pull them apart,
As they were eternal,
And their love was a short-lived eternity,
She was the very epitome of perfection,
He lived by the golden divine light of her eyes,
And he experienced heaven on Earth,
Whenever she wrapped him in her embrace,
He melted in her arms and blended into her existence,
She was what he called home.

Pariah

I am sick of all your lies,
I can’t ever see through your disguise,
But I try so hard to find the truth in your eyes,
That I am broken and bruised on the inside,
You say you are sorry,
And I tell you that it will be alright,
So we get back to living the good old days,
Until a fight break out,
And you want to leave again,
For you love playing this game,
‘Cause you know my love for you won’t change,
You say that you will leave this time for the good,
And I beg you to stay one last time if you could,
‘Cause I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you,
So you are the predator and my heart is your prey,
You are like a con-man who doesn’t need to stay,
And I beg you to give us one last chance,
You push me away so you could have it your way,
Keeping your heart cold, you fail to see,
I am fragile but it wont stop you from breaking me,
All along, I had mistaken you for the cure to my pain,
I was such a fool in love,
That I didn’t know you were just the same,
There were no exceptions to the rules of your game,
I was just another name you wanted to claim,
And it’s all my fault and I am to be blamed,
I should have never trusted you with my heart,
‘Cause now I just can’t let you go,
Yes, I just can’t stay apart,
But who knew I was doomed right from the start,
All I know now is that I am the pariah,
I belong nowhere and to no one.


I have not been active on WordPress lately because I have been super-busy. I will get back to reading and writing soon. Thank you for the patience and love. 

Affliction

Fill and consume, flutter and fly,
Hold your breath for you know it’s a goodbye;
Live and love, cut and heal,
The heart doesn’t know what it feels;
Forget and forgive, thrash and thrive,
Fulfill these dreams now that I feel alive;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
Ingrained in me is the pride and ego you loathe and self-doubt,
I am coming down like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Fuse and form, flow and feel,
Blend in the darkness for light is your deal;
Dos and don’ts, watch and listen,
Let the power of love in your eyes glisten;
Pray and plead, flip and turn,
Fairy tales and happy endings are not what I yearn;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
Ingrained in me is the beauty which is never going to burn out,
I am coming down like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Burns and bruises, plays and charades,
My fading youth as the time tears me apart;
Foolish and brave, fumes and faith,
The flash of your memory reduced to a wraith;
Blues and whites, loss and gain,
The sky above my head is pouring blood in vain;
Chaos is my middle name and sometimes I freak out,
Pain gives me pleasure and scars are what it’s all about,
The thousands of kisses I stole from your mouth,
Beware for I shall come like a sea storm in your days of drought.

Damaged Beauty

He was terrified of loving her,
Not her flawless smooth skin,
Or her bright crimson eyes,
The silken texture of her luscious lips,
He was afraid of the storms inside her,
The disasters which made her a breathtaking mystery,
The irresistible and impossible work of art she was,
And if he was to shed all her skin down,
So he could try to peek inside her soul,
As though to admire the perfection he would see,
The light beyond the shadows of her physical appearance,
He feared to admit to himself,
That she was beautifully damaged,
But like the rest, he was scared to unravel,
The mysteries that were woven into the basis of her existence,
He was tempted to experience love in its best form,
Nonetheless he was afraid to tame the storms roaring inside of her,
He was scared to let go of his desires and transform,
His fear into a superpower to be able to see through her,
And hopelessly fall in love with her beautifully scarred heart.

damaged beauty


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Virus

So what did I do?
And what was that I knew?
Did you think I was a virus that only grew?
Or was it that my heart had nothing for you?
For what I did and what was done,
For what I knew and what was known,
For what I saw and what was seen,
For what I heard and what was to be heard,
Things turned upside down and the pain was new,
Love became my foe and I was a stranger to you,
Helpless soul and my blurred view,
Lousy memories and the haziness in my thoughts grew,
Fueled up brain but I couldn’t feed my heart,
Love abandoned me and it no more was my mastered art,
Fulfilled with this heart break, I never yearned for a new start,
Beauty in my existence faded and it was all about your poisoned dart,
You killed me with love and the pieces scattered everywhere,
You envied the texture of my smile and the glow in my eyes pierced you,
My insides were bruised and there was nothing I could do,
Following the light, I forgot that I was struggling with the dark all through,
So what did I do?
And what was that I knew?
Did you think I was a virus that only grew?
Or was it that my heart had nothing for you?