Them Versus Us

The knots in my stomach,
The lump in my throat,
Their false-promises,
The cruel way they gloat,
So I wonder how can they not feel stress and anxiety?
So I wonder how can they let themselves be another causality of the society?
So I wonder how can they sleep at night knowing that people are dying of starvation?
So I wonder how can they ignore the ongoing conflicts and brutality?

As I pace back and forth,
Searching for an answer,
As I continue to live like this,
The suppression of free speech,
Eating me away like cancer,
So I wonder how can they not want peace in reality?
So I wonder how can they not try to eradicate poverty and inequality?
So I wonder how can they be socially blind?
So I wonder how can they ignore the suffering of mankind?

I follow through the dark,
Searching for the glimpse of light,
The hunger for change,
Holding onto hope,
For the pitch-black night to shine so bright,
We don’t have to listen to their lies anymore,
We have the power to set a vision,
Ultimately leading us to our mission,
So I wonder why do we blame them when we can be stronger on our own?
So I wonder why do we not unite and fight our battles as one?
So I wonder why do we hesitate to take action when we know we should?
So I wonder why do we not rescue humanity by moulding bad into good?

Free Falling

You continue to drag me down,
This path of deceit and lies,
You continue to hold me down,
Dominating my thoughts with your shuttered eyes,
You continue to hurt me,
Compelling me to live in the glory of our past,
You continue to surprise me,
The audacity to say ‘I love you’ when you couldn’t make it last,
So I’m free falling,
We can create our own destiny,
We can have a life in the garden of our dreams
You and I can be the perfect team,
So just take a chance,
Free fall along with me,
Breathe in the freedom of a fearless glance,
An escape to our paradise for an eternal romance.

Numb

The drunken nights,
My red swollen eyes,
Crying and sobbing,
So I can finally sleep,
So I can finally dream,
The life which cannot be my reality,
The love which cannot belong to me,
The freedom to escape the sufferings of mortality,
The quest for my long-lost stability,
Ever since we’ve been apart,
You always seem to bring my heart,
The torment and torture of false-hope,
An everyday struggle with which I cannot cope,
So I am going to get high tonight,
It’s no longer required to put up a fight,
Lately I have been so numb to the pain,
It’s exciting to be alive again.

You build me up to break me down,
You tear me apart from the inside,
Left me in the raging flames of vengeance to drown,
You knew in your heart that you never tried,
To look beyond the horizon of self-pride,
How can you fail to see?
You cannot turn me into somebody you want me to be,
How can you not know?
I’m hurt but it is never going to show,
I’m too strong to be defeated,
Now that it’s all said and done,
I’ve never felt more completed,
So I am going to get high tonight,
It’s no longer required to put up a fight,
Lately I have been so numb to the pain,
It’s exciting to be alive again.

Diary of Nobody -VI-

Goodbyes and I get along very well — to an extent that I believe we are synonymous.

Once you told me: “Their loss if they don’t want to do anything with you. You are one of your very own kind — I don’t expect them to understand you.”

Now that you’ve said your last good-bye, what should I believe? That it’s your loss? That you didn’t understand me either? I don’t think so.

I was always a “misfit”. The society didn’t accept me for who I was. They wanted to mould me into somebody they would be pleased to interact with. I was not convinced to give myself up and I became a rebel. Being rebellious taught me a life-long lesson that I love to preach now: question everything (even an answer). It taught me the difference between right and wrong (something people don’t seem to understand for they are so busy blindly following the so-called ‘world trend’). They complained that I looked at things differently. They tried to silence me by bullying me. God knows how they felt about their failure after failure for I came stronger every time they made an aggressive move against me. They wanted to get rid of me and I made it my mission to ensure that they should never achieve their goal.

However, then you came along. Apparently, I was told that you liked me for me. You liked me for having a “voice” this world desperately needed. You liked me for having “questions” to challenge life on every step of my journey. You liked me for having an “aura” that was ever too visible. You liked me for having a compassionate “soul” that instantly connected with you. You liked me for my “smile” which in your opinion was evergreen. You always told me what you liked about me but how come you never stated one darn thing that led you to eventually dislike me? Was my “voice” too ground-breaking for you? Were my “questions” unanswerable and frustrating? Did my “aura” became invisible with time? Did my soul connected too much with you? How did my “evergreen smile” faded like an autumn breeze?

You had your mind and heart set on me and all you wanted was for me to make you the center of my world sooner or later. Why did you have to leave when all you ever wanted was in the palm of your hand? Or is it that I was always the “unwanted”?

I am bound to stitch,
The wounds we gave birth to,
I am bound to revive,
The dreams we shattered,
I am bound to adore,
The memories we shared together,
I am bound to live you,
For the rest of my life.

The Night

The night is the time,
When I can crawl out of bed,
Shut off the voices inside my head,
Escape the pain, grief and blinding lightness,
Seek refuge in the shade of darkness,
I feel the fire burning deep within,
Helping me be pure of sin,
I watch myself in the mirror,
Struggling to look beyond the apparent flaws,
Can my imperfections magically disappear?
The silence keeps me company,
I slowly drift off to sleep,
Before the dawn is beginning to peep,
So I can wake up again the following night,
Treat myself off the starry dark delight.

Diary of Nobody -V-

Sometimes when I go back in time, it amazes me how very convinced you were with the thought of abandoning me and giving up on our relationship when we had been through so much to make ‘us’ possible. You didn’t care a darn about giving us up but you were not ready to give up on your bad habits. How can you prioritize everything in this world over me when I on the other hand always kept you and your happiness as my very first priority?

You know what’s the worst part? I am not angry with you (Yes, absurd but true). I am hurt and offended and disappointed but I am not angry. Instead, I still love you.

“It was your fault to always try to make us work. You should have not been the one picking up the broken pieces every single time. You should have kicked me out of our house.”

You said that trusting you entirely and blindly was my only flaw and that I  should have been more alert. I apologize babe because I was too busy making you happy that I forgot that I had to play a psychotic-spy-wife role where I had to tap your phone and check your emails.  I might have taken it too far with respecting your privacy and personal space but what did you mean when you said that I should have been more ‘alert’? What in the world did you wanted me to do? I will tell you something about trust that you have never been told before: You trust somebody completely or you don’t trust them at all, period.

They tell me to forget you – how does one erase memories? Make new memories. It hurts me to know that eventually I will have to watch you fade away in my subconscious world. But then if I have the courage to watch you leave my reality then the fading-away-business shouldn’t be so painful (just a thought, I can be wrong too).

It will take me some time to accept that my future will not have you in it – That you will live in my past.

Flawless as I may seem,
Perfection is an imperfection itself,
I may be just a sweet dream,
A living nightmare and the unheard screams.

Wonderland

He held her hand,
Invited her to his wonderland,
She didn’t know how,
If after all these years he could allow,
A stranger in the creation of his mind,
Now that they shared one path to freedom,
They were lost for a reason,
They walked in silence,
Their eyes spoke volumes,
She didn’t let go of his hand,
The creator of their Wonderland.

They paved their way to Paradise,
Their endless journey of sacrifice,
He pushed away all his dreams,
She embraced his pain with her self-esteem,
Now that they shared one path to freedom,
Their worlds collided for a reason,
They walked for miles and miles,
Not a word uttered but their beautiful smiles,
She didn’t let go of his hand,
The creator of their Wonderland.

Their love grew with time,
Their desire to live together never died,
Differences was a part of their climb,
They had their reasons to question life,
They shared one path to freedom,
Love built them up for a reason,
They are old and fragile now but they keep walking,
They listen to the sound of silence in bliss but no talking,
They didn’t let go of each other’s hand,
The sustainers of the Wonderland.

Never Want to Let Go

Fire burning inside my core,
The emptiness inside of me is your abode,
Your heart has caught a cold,
Your lies cannot fool me anymore,
Pretending like it’s not your fault,
Preparing yourself for a revolutionary war,
You knew I was around the corner,
You watched me tore myself apart,
You heard me sob the silent tears,
You set fire to my heart,
Now that I have seen it through,
I fail to see anything beyond you,
So love me like I do,
Kiss me like I do,
Touch me like I do,
Give me at least what is mine,
Open your arms and let me in,
Burn me under your skin,
Take me by the hand,
Write me in your blood,
I just want you to know,
I never want to let go.

I can’t wait for these bare trees to be green again — Spring Time (yay) ❤

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Filling In The Spaces -VI-

A: I want you in my arms for the rest of my life.
N: My arms are wide open and will always be.
A: I will never let you down again and will take care of you just the way you always wanted me to. I will listen to you talk for hours without dozing off on you. I want to be there for you to support you. I want one last chance to make this right for ‘us’. I love you with every fiber of my being. 
N: I love you also.
A: I know now that a gem of your kind is rare — may be one of its very own kind. I don’t want to lose you. You are everything I long for.
N: (Sigh) And you are everything I waited so long for.

Diary of Nobody -IV-

I have been dead busy for the past few days but there has not been a single day when you haven’t crossed my mind. I have had tutorials for every day of the past week which means a lot of reading for a law student like me. However, you distracted me a lot (I think it needs to be re-phrased)—our memories distracted me a lot. Our pictures together were even worse of a distraction. Every single time, I fell for the trap and ended up watching us in the ‘photo gallery’ of my phone. I know I should delete them already but I am not going to (not ever). I think it’s pretty clear that I am drunk on you and I rather have it that way – I don’t want to move on (oh yes, I said it!). We were so happy that it’s difficult to believe that it’s all over now. Are you ever coming back? (I’m waiting, okay babe?)

Can I tell you something? I really love you a lot – I have grown into loving you so very much that I don’t know how to not feel it anymore. I don’t know how to go back and just put a ‘full-stop’ to my feelings that I have been feeling for the past four years. It can’t be done over-night so it might be easy for you to tell me to ‘Get Over It’ but it is an absolute nightmare for me in reality. Do you even know how much it takes to get used to the idea of not having somebody you love around once you’ve already had the taste of their enchanting presence? Do you know how hollow I feel every morning when there is nobody to tease me and tell me that I am not a morning person? Do you realize that I am battling with myself every single day because I expect you to return? (Denial, yes it is! What else do you expect of me after an unexpected break-up?)

I can spare you my life; I know it’s a risk but a risk worth-taking – for our happiness. Let me be selfish for a split second: I will risk anything to achieve my happiness which belongs with you. Now that I have already been selfish, let me also be brutally honest for a split second: I experienced happiness in an unusual but possibly the best way when I was capable of living my life with you. You are great and exquisite but there is something about great things: they never come easy. May be, that’s why I have to keep ‘Trying’.

Trying to love you less,
Trying to fight this stress,
Trying to not miss your caress,
But I am high on the thought of you,
I try but my pain only knows to grow,
I shall trust time like I trusted you,
To be rewarded with broken promises,
And the dreams that would never come true.

I can try to love you less but there are no guarantees that I will succeed. Don’t blame me if I disappoint you — I apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause you.

I want you. Since you have left, the heartache has embraced me very willingly. Despite of the pain I have experienced after my so-called emotional meltdown, my heart still longs for you. May be it’s crazy and stupid and wild but I can’t help it if it wants you. My heart is strong enough to compromise with sorrow and grief at the moment but it’s not in the position to let go of my happiness residing in you.